The Risk of Living

It takes so much to be a full human being
that there are very few who have
the enlightenment or courage to pay the price...
One has to abandon altogether
the search for security
and reach out to the risk of living with both arms.

One has to accept pain as a condition of existence.
One has to court doubt and darkness
as the cost of knowing.
One needs a will stubborn in conflict,
but opt always to total acceptance
of every consequence of living and dying.
-Morris West

Entering my thirty-sixth year, I find myself hoping that THIS year...*smiles* It's been rough, there is no denying that. Sometimes I long for security, or I cling to the little bit that I have. Sometimes I am surprised by the consequences. Sometimes I think I will drown in doubt.

My father likes to tell about a time when I was sixteen years old. I had earned an invitation to spend two weeks in China. A trip that involved 17 other kids, and not one of them a buddy I hung out, with to a country on the other side of the planet, where I didn't know the language, where I would be a complete foreigner. I was so very excited by the adventure! However, part of the paperwork required a vaccine update. I don't remember which one it was, but DAMN if I waffled because of that one needle. I *hate* needles. I *hate* medical procedures in general. It was awful, being a teen and sitting in my baby sister's pediatric office where everything was three sizes too small. The doctor used a tiny little butterfly-wing needle and managed to get through the injection without my kicking or decking her. When it was over, my dad asked if skipping the shot was really worth giving up China, but the truth is I very nearly gave up a life experience for the scrap of pain avoidance. Embarrassment still shows in my wry smile when I think about it.

Two decades later, how often do I do that very thing...pass up the opportunity to LIVE? More often than I care to admit. "I feel like it took me a long time to recognize it is possible to merge something that something that you love with something that's important to you," says Mary Chapin Carpenter. I think it is possible, but I'm not quite sure how to DO IT yet. I am afraid to limit myself to loving one thing. I'm still clinging to familiar security or imagined safety. For me, being a stay-at-home mom is about as much fun as Chuck E. Cheese on a Saturday afternoon; it is noisy, chaotic, messy. Yet, I hesitate and even balk when Beloved suggests I take real steps...that I stop daydreaming and begin LIVING again. At least my present is known. Limited.

The thing that catches me about Mister West's thought is the bit about "total acceptance." It makes an interesting addition to my thoughts about submission. We have free will to make our own way. We choose a path...deliberately or by default... and then we must face the consequences of the choice until the next one comes along. How many times a day do we have a choice to smile at a stranger...not a wan shy thing, but the real McCoy? That small gesture is one many people lack the courage to do. What amazing people will we miss out on meeting today because it is too risky to be friendly? Really? How sad.

Living IS a risk. No matter how small and quiet your life, some day you are going to die. If you take the risk of living, there are worse things than death that await you. There are no guarantees that anything you do will be rewarded...or punished. We all face the same option, now, today. Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. It's a long enough life to be living...why walk when you can fly?