Yeah...No.

I'm not in a good spot. I haven't been in a good spot all week, although I have been trying really hard to muddle through. I feel like I am slogging though mud to do ANYTHING.

The list of what's "wrong" is the usual vague crap. My weight has been pretty high lately. It seems that everyone around me is losing weight while I can't motivate myself to do the laundry, let alone work out. I feel horribly fat and bloated and my back and wrist add to the discomfort. The worst part is my clothes aren't being comfortable, which says that it's not *just* in my head.

Beloved has been awesome about staying on top of the general pick-up with the kids. A lot of other chores have slid off the radar, though. I spent several hours this morning doing yardwork...there's three full waste bags and materials for another two easy. I *should* feel good about getting that done, and I don't. There's no sense of satisfaction.

I have been staring at my room for over a week, trying to figure out how to re-arrange it. Instead of inspiration, the laundry catches my attention, which fires the guilty accusations that I don't do enough around the house and I can't handle that right now so instead of doing anything I pick up a book because I am trying to avoid my computer...

blech.

What *happened*??? I thought I was doing well. I thought I was breaking through and having incredible, life-changing self-discoveries. I though at least I was managing my moods. Why did everything fall apart?

I think it started last week...I took Boy and Girl up to the family cabin Thursday night. The drive as fine, I got everyone situated and the car unpacked, but then I could not get to sleep. I was up until 4am, and the kids were super-excited and got up at 6:30. I was in a surly mood a good part of the weekend and I haven't shaken it since getting home. Even the nearly 10 hours of sleep a night hasn't been much help.

My moontime started with a slight pink-ish show Monday that was actual blood by Wednesday. Three months later, ablation has definitely improved the blood-loss. While that should be a relief, there is the nagging irritation that I have a moon at all.

I have had very little down-time with the kids. Boy is done with camp, and being true siblings, they have been needling each other constantly until it seem I am screaming all the time. Even Beloved has lost his patience with them a few times in the evenings, and HE is the most even-keeled person I know! Of course today at my counseling session, they were absolute angels during the appointment and my therapist points and says I must be doing something right. Fills my heart with hope, only to have to pull the car over on the 15-minute ride home to scold them about hitting each other. ARRRRGH!

The icing is Beloved talking about GenCon next week. I do not harbor bitter feelings about his vacation time as much as I simply dread being without his steadying nature. I had loose plans, but I haven't tried to confirm them and in my current mood I am not likely to. Double-edged blade...if I haven't heard from them, possibly-probably the invitation was more politeness than truly meant. Gotta love that internal dialogue.

So...I guess that's what happened. A couple of my triggers met up and decided to have a field day. I'm tired. I hurt, physically and mentally. More than anything, I want to escape from myself. Unfortunately, whereever you go, there you are.

Time slippage

I injured my wrist a while back. I was hoping it would heal up on it's own, but life with a small child includes lifting 40 lbs regularly through the day. I broke down and bought a good brace which makes typing a challenge, thus there is some time slippage. Maybe this weekend I'll get a thoughtful post in?

Core Value: INDEPENDENCE

Last night, Beloved pulled out a letter that I wrote August 19th, 2011, a letter roiling in depression and dependency. I wasn't accomplishing anything and only barely getting through the day. I was miserable, Beloved was miserable. I was in a major depression. I had lost/given up on several things that I genuinely take pride and pleasure in. I was mired my stay-at-home life, struggling and suffocating in the dependence the last five years produced, feeling like I was unable to break out.

Nothing lasts forever, though. I did break the cycle. I lost some weight. It took nearly a year, but I found a counselor that I am comfortable working with. I have been digging in deep, cutting ties, and making changes.

After reading last year's letter aloud, Beloved and I talked a little about it and about changes I've been working on. Beloved commented, In some ways, I think I was more comfortable a year ago..."Comfortable" doesn't mean "healthy", but I think I was more comfortable. That stings. Oh lordy does that sting!

I've been meaning to get back to the values work, but I haven't had much time to really delve into the concepts. I'm not sure I understand what I am looking at...for...

Core values are traits or qualities that you consider not just worthwhile, they represent an individual's or organization's highest priorities, deeply held beliefs, and core, fundamental driving forces...Core values are made accessible by translating them into value statements. Value statements are grounded in values and define how people want to behave...

Peering back at my "happiness" statements and considering my letter a year ago, the one value that jumps at me is independence. I am happiest working in my garden or working behind the scenes. I crave the quiet solitude of natural settings. I long to be independent, both accomplishing things for myself and unfettered by demands from others. To be able to finish a single thought without being interrupted.

I don't think that this is an absolute by any stretch of the imagination. I like bringing people together and I need intimate relationships as well, but even within those situations, *I* prefer to function independently of others.

Exploring this concept, I also see shivers of panic when people around me aren't being independent. In the last six months, I have been rather exacting of such relationships. Curbing my relationship with Shado, ending my relationship with Sir. I have even talked about leaving Beloved; his constant offer to "manage" or "rescue" me ultimately cost self-esteem and confidence. Bring Boy and Girl into the picture, and there is a perfect storm developing, because babes-in-arms are the ultimate in dependence. All I want to do is shed my skin and fly away.

But in most cases, I can't. So, I am doing this work here. BleuAme said "the true work is to know yourself", and it is slow, hard, painful work. Sometimes, I want to DO scream at the interruptions. Sometimes, time gets away from me...I have been working on these thoughts for three weeks! Sometimes, I withdraw, and well-meaning friends ask over and over if I'm okay and I falter, questioning if I *really* need to do this if so many people are uncomfortable.

At the same time, there is little doubt that *in my head*, things are getting better. I feel more emotionally balanced, although that is perhaps lower or quieter than people are used to. I am demanding that the boundaries I set be respected. I am trying to manage my own affairs while being true to my mission and accountable to my family and friends. It is a balance that is tenuous at times.

On the outside, both Boy and Girl are growing up and discovering their own independence (it's wonderful, and I am cheering at every milestone we reach). I am working on communications with Beloved, how express our core values without smothering or shutting each other out. I have an assignment with the forest preserve that has potential for proprietary responsibilities. I am sorting through classes for the fall. I am striving for my Lioness, my cougar, my independence.

Busy...

Boy is out of summer camp, so I don't have much downtime. I have "values, 2" started, but...*half smile* We are skipping state again this weekend, so who knows when I'll get it posted, but I am working on it. :P

Values, part one

I got around to listening to the second half of the first audio session from the Joy Equation today. It's taken two weeks to work through, but I'm doing it! The main discussion was about identifying core values.

Interestingly enough, this was something that Beloved started working on with *his* counseling. I didn't put a whole lot of thought into it because Beloved started digging into deeper stuff than I could manage at the time. It isn't "I value my family." It's something else...what is it about your family that you value? See? The headache is already starting in my temples.

If you recall the first half of the session, it was to consider how other people view you, and what is *expected* of you. Over the years, I have often ended up trying to fulfill other people’s expectations instead of my own. There is a double-edged blade, as Beloved has scolded me for just how high *my* expectations are...but, where do those come from? Why are they so high? What concepts, visions, expectations have I swallowed from society and tried to adapt to?

Every time you internalize someone else's description of you, you build a wall between you and your authentic self. That wall has bricks from who've been told to be, who you've been told you are, who you think you should be, and the different personas you have developed to handle certain situations and people.

Ouch. Let's cut close to the bone, shall we? My overly critical voice constantly begins with "I should..."

* I should be a super mom with a clean house, fresh cookies, and clever projects for the kids.
* I should love being a stay-at-home mom.
* I should be more involved with my family, friends, community.
* I should be thinner, eat healthier, and spend hours at the gym.
* I should be more generous with my time, money, energy.
* I should be more submissive or more masochistic to fit into the kink community.
* I should be less jealous, more trusting, more compassionate within my poly relationships.
* I should be thicker-skinned to criticism.
* I should spend more time on chores than blogging.

The list of what I should be and do goes on and on. The voice inside me whispers these doubts, and so I tune outside myself for reassurances. Yesterday's sexy post clearly demonstrates that I have lovers who enjoy my physical attributes. I get compliments on how the house is so welcoming. I have friends of all different lifestyles...vanilla, poly, kink, etc...who admire my personal conduct. I am grateful to all of these external voices, because they help me combat the negativity inside.

Where did that awful critic come from? I am not sure where it began, but my mom clearly saw *something* wrong when she had me go to a counselor in 4th grade. Of course, by the time I was 10 years old, there was already a lot going on in my life...a lot of circumstances and social pressures that aren't "normal".

I was the "healthy one" in my family (circumstance) and I did a lot of the care-taking (social pressure). I was teased (social pressure) for liking school and preferring books. I was raped (circumstance) and raised Catholic (social pressure galore!) so a lot of terrible twisted crap grew from that.

I suppose I could continue to self-analyze, but I think the point is there. I also wonder how much of my childhood was a case of "batten down the hatches and survive." It sounds ridiculous to me...in some ways, I am incredibly privileged...but at the same time, when I think back, life is what happened inbetween hospital visits for everyone else in my family, and nothing was entirely untainted from dire health issues.

This led to the development of my personas. I *had* to set aside my own desires because my childish disappointments simply didn't compare to the life-death issues at hand. I *had* to take on adult responsibilities because Mom was dying and Dad wasn't coping. I got very used to burying my feelings and being the nurse or parent or even god that was needed. I used to joke that I was the most successful multiple personality person you'd ever met because I even knew all of my names. Most people talk about wearing different hats, and maybe that's all it is. Still, I am not sure who my authentic self is anymore, and digging into all of this is very hard stuff.

Simply ask yourself what’s truly important to you. Think about those moments in your life when you felt completely whole and fulfilled. Think about the times when you’ve been the happiest. If nothing comes to you at first, don’t worry. Just keep thinking.

To be honest, my head is throbbing at this point. I don't WANT to keep thinking. Completely whole? Fulfilled? Happiest?

* Showing off my garden in the spring, when the new plants are coming up and everything is green and fresh and so utterly ALIVE, knowing that I created the garden from scratch with my bare hands.
* Finishing all of the prep-work for some event...a birthday party, a board meeting, a holiday celebration...and watching people partake without ever realizing how much work went into it because they simply don't have to think about it...every possible contingency has already been provided for.
* Losing hours wandering the nature, collecting plants, shells, fossils, stones, catching sight of a hawk or eagle or deer or the splash of a fish.
* Surprising someone by remembering a dropped comment about a preference or a wishful thought and then presenting them with the very solution to their desire, be it tea, towels, books.

*deep breaths* I am having all kinds of hesitations about blogging this...this is HARD. I'm tired, and I'm barely halfway through the exercises. I find myself wondering if I SHOULD share all of this. Naturally, it all can be used against me. I don't know who lurks here, who might use arrows poisoned with information I offer up. Maybe I should delete this, run away? But then I wonder if I would keep writing in a private notebook. Writing here...*shrug* I have a sense of motivation and obligation here. The occasional anonymous poke or encouraging comment keeps me at this...

So...I will post and come back to the work...and thank you. Reading this, you are helping me keep on this journey.

storms

My libido has been on the low side. Between heat and children, I simply haven't been in much of a mood for sex. Beloved has been on the other side of that, and there have been challenges there. I don't like saying NO so much...but NO, I just am not there. *sigh*

Thus, yesterday kind of took me by surprise. There was a violent storm that swept through in the morning, sucking out the humidity and dropping the temperature by about 20 degrees. I put in time for a workout and managed the afternoon's disappointments at the college...end result, I am NOT going to be starting a horticulture degree this fall. I am taking classes at the local college and we'll see where that leads. Beloved made plans for Shado to babysit so we could go out and see Dark Knight. All in all, it was a good day and my libido was creeping into fantasies I haven't been interested in for a loooooong time...

By 6 o'clock...trying to make dinner and having Girl whine and tantrum at me, I felt thwarted and frustrated. I teased Beloved about missing me by a mere hour, and he expressed wry humor. He excused me from dinner to bedtime, and I stole a shower and got ready for our movie date. We read books to the children and had them tucked into bed before Shado walked in. I felt a little flustered, but we left pretty much immediately.

I liked the movie. I had a hard time playing through the Colorado massacre, and I was not expecting the symapthetic surge for the traumatic victim of Bane. I loved Anne Hathaway's CatWoman! There was, perhaps, too much stuffed into the story, and there were points that made it very disjointed, but I'd recommend the movie.

It was midnight when we pulled into the back lot. Beloved asked if he should invite Shado to stick around. I was immediately flustered again. I answered negatively, but the nervous putzing gave me away. I sputtered through my afternoon thoughts, and Shado took my face in his hands and kissed me...

They led me upstairs and suggested a "simple" rub-out...I could plead off if I wanted to, no hard feelings...except that I *knew* there would a some very HARD feelings... I lay naked, face-down on the bed in a room flooded with candlelight. My lovers, still clothed, put their hands to work on my shoulders, my back, my ass, my legs, my feet. I was moaning and soft and tears welled up in my eyes.

I've been trying so hard to keep a distance, with both of them for different reasons. Bathed in their passion and love for me was overwhelming. I kept offering an apology, but I don't know if either of them understood. *half smile* I don't know that *I* understand wholly...but I'm aware of just how cut-off I've been. I was finally turned over and kissed by both, each taking a nipple and running their hands over my skin. Beloved squeezed between my legs and was tonguing my pussy while Shado was tonguing my mouth. I clung to both of them, whimpering and gasping where they grinned and chuckled. Soon, they shed their clothes, and my fingers stroked Shado into a full hard, his breath in shortened gasps.

I was feeling shy, unsure, and not able to choose between them. Beloved solved my problem by asking to watch, and soon Shado was settled on his back and I crawled between his legs, lightly running my tongue over his balls and cock. After so many months, I was surprised that I had no difficulty swallowing him, even keeping the pressure light and teasing. Beloved reached behind me and began fingering my pussy, making me groan and building a rhythm. Shado lasted long enough that I was sopping wet when he came deep in my mouth.

There was a quiet moment, and he kissed me. I lay back and my eyes sought Beloved's. He smiled and kissed me, surprising me. I stroked his softened cock a little and found him soon rampant. Rolling over, I took him in my mouth and almost immediately Shado was there, pounding my pussy with his fingers. Rougher, yes, but Beloved responded to the moans and cries I gave around his cock. I felt a new wetness between my legs, for once without the overwhelming guilt and horror that I associate with orgasm. Shado only relaxed his pace a moment, and I had Beloved deep in my throat, my nose buried in his trimmed hair. I gasped and suckled and moaned with his cock in my mouth, and the rhythm built up again. At once, it hurt and was incredible and felt more wetness... Somewhere in a corner of my mind, I wondered that the bedclothes weren't sodden. Beloved came as I did, and I greedily drew his essence before releasing him and collapsing beside him. Shado moved up beside me, and the three of us lay there, panting.

We might have stayed there longer if it weren't for the prickles on my skin. I begged up, and sat on the edge of the bed. My lovers were lavishing me with compliments and making me shy and blush. I retaliated by tickling them, and there was a minor wrestling match before I was pinned between them and threatened that maybe I wasn't done...but it was mostly tease...I think...

Although Shado dressed and I got into jammies, the men snickered about Shado being over again tonight...

Enough

Today is Girl's birthday! She's three years old. We have a big to-do planned. Naturally, I can't sleep. I worry that it isn't enough...that I haven't done enough.

I made the cake, stuffed the pinata, have bags by the door, ready to be hauled to the car...I did some laundry, answered some e-mail, read some, took a bath. I'm tired...but when I close my eyes, *something* pops into my head that absolutely HAS to be done NOW, and then the cycle starts over...

Beloved is out with Sunshine, so no one is here to keep me in bed or off the computer. *sigh* A blessing and a curse, I suppose.

I finally *started* the first audio assignment for The Joy Equation. *wry smile* Note I say started. Oh well, I knew at the start there would be some bubbling from working on this, right?

One of the things that Molly asks is that you reflect on how others see you, and then asks, "Are they right?"

The categories she includes for this exercise are:

Parents and Siblings	Childhood Friends
Bosses	Teachers
Close Friends	Significant Other

I got stuck pretty immediately on the parents and siblings. *sigh* I just...I don't know. Or maybe I don't want to accept, which is more likely. The selfish, fragile, arrogant, and immoral woman they see isn't who I thought they saw...last summer was brutal, and I have shied away from most of my blood relatives, which probably fuels their opinions more.

Childhood friends? In grammar school, I was the teacher's pet, the loner, the quiet one. I delved into my own imagination, and I sought adult company rather than playing with kids my own age. I developed a few friends in junior high and high school. I was the one who managed to hang out with the nerds, the geeks, AND the grunge without ever quite fitting in myself because I was always too much of the other groups. I had a few confessions from boys about their desires for me, but I was conveniently dating someone steady. I haven't maintained any of those friendships since graduating high school, though. My twentieth reunion is 2014, and I don't think I'll bother going.

Bosses and teachers generally report well of me...that I am responsible, timely, and dedicated to the tasks at hand. I suspect a few of my graduate teachers were a little challenged by my out-of-the-box ideas, but I was asked to teach a class a scant three months after graduating. Occasionally, I manage to knock their socks off, but mostly I present a competent and reliable resource with a can-do attitude.

Close friends...*curls toes* What DO you see? You continue to put up with me, so there must be something redeeming, but... But I am painfully aware of the faults my family has found with me, and I am just waiting for you to wise up and disown me. I feel like I'm always a step behind or I'm always needing help. Help with childcare, help with the house, help with my head. On OKC, I brag that "I'm a great con-artist! If you dare to friend me...or worse, date me!...I will drag you into projects you never in a million years thought you'd be helping with!" Maybe there is an element of hilarity, but in moments of doubt...like this one...I wonder what it is that keeps you coming back?

Beloved. Oh my love. From time to time throughout the last seventeen years I have tried to give you an out, and you insist and persist! You have slogged through my depressions and you have soared with me in successes. You have turned my life upside-down and would deliver my heart's desire in an instant, if only I would name it. We have had bitter fights over my half-empty outlook, but you talk about a talented resourceful person, an amazing lover, a loving, giving soul.

Somewhere beneath the depression and confusion, that is the person I want to be...the one Beloved talks about. I want to rediscover the magic and the joy. I remember playing on swings in parks late at night, or dressing up and going to local diners for matzah ball soup. I remember being braver...less self-conscious. When did I lose that? Was it when I stepped into motherhood? Was that when I "decided" I had to grow up and be miserable? I ache with loss and confusion.

On Friday, I met with my counselor-therapist, and we delved into what I wanted out of the work we were doing. Her focus is to work through childhood traumas and release things I buried long ago. My hope is that in doing so, I will silence...or at least quiet...the awful negative voice inside me that is always whispering, "...but..."

Back to the Joy Equation...Molly asked that I write down a commitment to myself. What is it that I am seeking out of the next 30 days of work (well, more, since I don't get to the project every day).

Write down what your commitment is for this course. What do you dedicate yourself to take away from this month? Why have you started this journey? What are you hoping to gain? Start your writing with "I commit to..."

*wry smile* I feel silly, frightened, and nihilistic. What I want seems so out of reach and so basic.

I commit to reclaiming what was mine. I started this because I am not happy where I am, and I am turning inside to change what I can. I dedicate myself to finding myself again, to finding my joy, my peace, my confidence, and my name. I want to be enough.