Enough

Today is Girl's birthday! She's three years old. We have a big to-do planned. Naturally, I can't sleep. I worry that it isn't enough...that I haven't done enough.

I made the cake, stuffed the pinata, have bags by the door, ready to be hauled to the car...I did some laundry, answered some e-mail, read some, took a bath. I'm tired...but when I close my eyes, *something* pops into my head that absolutely HAS to be done NOW, and then the cycle starts over...

Beloved is out with Sunshine, so no one is here to keep me in bed or off the computer. *sigh* A blessing and a curse, I suppose.

I finally *started* the first audio assignment for The Joy Equation. *wry smile* Note I say started. Oh well, I knew at the start there would be some bubbling from working on this, right?

One of the things that Molly asks is that you reflect on how others see you, and then asks, "Are they right?"

The categories she includes for this exercise are:

Parents and Siblings	Childhood Friends
Bosses	Teachers
Close Friends	Significant Other

I got stuck pretty immediately on the parents and siblings. *sigh* I just...I don't know. Or maybe I don't want to accept, which is more likely. The selfish, fragile, arrogant, and immoral woman they see isn't who I thought they saw...last summer was brutal, and I have shied away from most of my blood relatives, which probably fuels their opinions more.

Childhood friends? In grammar school, I was the teacher's pet, the loner, the quiet one. I delved into my own imagination, and I sought adult company rather than playing with kids my own age. I developed a few friends in junior high and high school. I was the one who managed to hang out with the nerds, the geeks, AND the grunge without ever quite fitting in myself because I was always too much of the other groups. I had a few confessions from boys about their desires for me, but I was conveniently dating someone steady. I haven't maintained any of those friendships since graduating high school, though. My twentieth reunion is 2014, and I don't think I'll bother going.

Bosses and teachers generally report well of me...that I am responsible, timely, and dedicated to the tasks at hand. I suspect a few of my graduate teachers were a little challenged by my out-of-the-box ideas, but I was asked to teach a class a scant three months after graduating. Occasionally, I manage to knock their socks off, but mostly I present a competent and reliable resource with a can-do attitude.

Close friends...*curls toes* What DO you see? You continue to put up with me, so there must be something redeeming, but... But I am painfully aware of the faults my family has found with me, and I am just waiting for you to wise up and disown me. I feel like I'm always a step behind or I'm always needing help. Help with childcare, help with the house, help with my head. On OKC, I brag that "I'm a great con-artist! If you dare to friend me...or worse, date me!...I will drag you into projects you never in a million years thought you'd be helping with!" Maybe there is an element of hilarity, but in moments of doubt...like this one...I wonder what it is that keeps you coming back?

Beloved. Oh my love. From time to time throughout the last seventeen years I have tried to give you an out, and you insist and persist! You have slogged through my depressions and you have soared with me in successes. You have turned my life upside-down and would deliver my heart's desire in an instant, if only I would name it. We have had bitter fights over my half-empty outlook, but you talk about a talented resourceful person, an amazing lover, a loving, giving soul.

Somewhere beneath the depression and confusion, that is the person I want to be...the one Beloved talks about. I want to rediscover the magic and the joy. I remember playing on swings in parks late at night, or dressing up and going to local diners for matzah ball soup. I remember being braver...less self-conscious. When did I lose that? Was it when I stepped into motherhood? Was that when I "decided" I had to grow up and be miserable? I ache with loss and confusion.

On Friday, I met with my counselor-therapist, and we delved into what I wanted out of the work we were doing. Her focus is to work through childhood traumas and release things I buried long ago. My hope is that in doing so, I will silence...or at least quiet...the awful negative voice inside me that is always whispering, "...but..."

Back to the Joy Equation...Molly asked that I write down a commitment to myself. What is it that I am seeking out of the next 30 days of work (well, more, since I don't get to the project every day).

Write down what your commitment is for this course. What do you dedicate yourself to take away from this month? Why have you started this journey? What are you hoping to gain? Start your writing with "I commit to..."

*wry smile* I feel silly, frightened, and nihilistic. What I want seems so out of reach and so basic.

I commit to reclaiming what was mine. I started this because I am not happy where I am, and I am turning inside to change what I can. I dedicate myself to finding myself again, to finding my joy, my peace, my confidence, and my name. I want to be enough.