Honestly? Yes, a little. I have two choices...quit, or pick it up where I left off. So, the prompt on Day 4 is:
Write about a specific experience in your life that made you feel unhappy, frustrated or helpless. Describe it in great detail: what did you feel, see, hear, smell, think, touch?
Wednesday, July 11th. It started out all right...The children and I went to the planetarium for the day. We actually looked at some of the exhibits before watching one of the sky shows, grabbed some food, and then played in the kids' section for about an hour. At 3 o'clock, we climbed back in the car to head to a park near my counselor's office...we were meeting Beloved so he could take over with the kids, I was going to an appointment, and then I was going to go to the RUAH center to volunteer for a few hours. It sounded like a great plan...
Traffic was awful, and the kids just kept picking at each other. I had to pull over to stop a fight, and I was getting a little hoarse from yelling over them. By the time I made it to the park, I was in tears and utterly exhausted. I had time to give Beloved a hug before rushing to my appointment. I washed my face before walking in, but there was just nothing good to say.
It started off badly...while still looking at her phone, the counselor asked, "How's it going?" Thirty minutes later, I'm still weepy and she's threatening to call an ambulance. I walked out, and I don't plan to EVER go back.
Those three hours...3pm-6pm...were absolute hell.
I hated the kids, I hated myself for hating the kids, I hated the counselor, I hated cell phones and text messages (oh, wow has that become a hot-button for me lately, not just in this instance!). I couldn't get past the moment and think of ANYTHING positive in my whole life. I most certainly wasn't about to go to a meditation center and try to volunteer! I got in my car and called and cancelled, feeling like a horrible person for the last minute thing. I sat for a moment, mentally running though where I might possibly run away to...
Instead I went home, got dinner on the table, and took a shower before Beloved arrived with the kids. I thought I had recovered pretty well and joined in for supper and bedtime routines. Unfortunately, Beloved chose to pick the afternoon apart and I quickly came unraveled. We went around for a few hours, each being very critical of the other.
Mostly, he hadn't realized that I already had sought out, followed up on, and gotten an appointment with someone new. I had that appointment on Friday, and it was radically different. He hadn't realized I had rescheduled my volunteer time instead of blowing it off. He expressed his frustration that I might have a "bad hour" that utterly destroys my entire life perspective. I accused him of always expecting me to fail...of wanting me to fail so he could rescue me. There was a lot I didn't feel he was giving me credit for.
Everything was still very tender when we finally went to sleep.
