Growls and snarls

I'm very glad Beloved took the kids away today...I'm grouchy. *sigh* Just little unpleasant tasks that seem to be piling up. An animal got into the trash can. Girl peed the bed. I found a cashe of moldy apple cores hidden by Boy. ugh.

Just not the way I'd hoped to start, ya know?

A breath

There are two pots of soup sitting on the stove, four loaves of whole wheat bread and a basket of yeast-rolls sitting on the counter, twelve quarts of pumpkin soup and chili await on the breakfast bar, and a veggie tray is in the fridge. Food is ready for the soup swap! A little bit of pick-up, a few light bulbs to change, and I desperately need a shower... two hours before people arrive. I think this is going to be a great evening!

Daylight savings ends tomorrow. I don't know if this is a good thing or not. Sure, it will mean the sun will be rising when we are, but I dread the dark afternoons. Weather aside, the dark heralds the arrival of winter.

I am still wishing that the two hours Girl was at school stretched more, but compared to the last two weeks, the coming week promises to be a little slower. I have a number of little projects that I am looking forward to working on. Some painting, a book I'd like from the library, posting some items on CL for sale. Naturally, there's more yardwork that needs attention.

At the moment, I am tired but very content. I wish I could stay here...

Christian Rock

I don't consider myself religious or even particularly Christian. I was raised Roman Catholic, but too many scolding by nuns and priests tarnished my faith in the Church. I have struck my own beliefs and agreements with God-The Universe-Someone Upstairs, and we are good with that.

Every once in a while, though, I get the urge to turn on the Christian Rock station. Part of me just likes the songs because I can actually HEAR the lyrics...they have a message and they are very careful to make sure it isn't dimmed by the music. Part of me just likes the message. Not the "Oh God, I love You so" stuff as much as the ones that speak of grace and submission and strength.

Tonight, two songs caught my ear, each for different reasons.




Earlier in the day, he messaged me in response to a comment I'd left on Fet.

I wish I wish I wish
I don't understand depression. I wish I knew how to help. Help you, help our friends, etc
It's really hard...
anyhow, I love you

Through the years that we have been together, he as stayed...and fought!...to stay with me. The dark depressions, the daily battles with dysthymia, the insane highs and the spectacular crashes...he has stayed through it all. There isn't a day that I am not grateful! Even in the worst moments, I trust him.

I liked this song, but at the same time, I am frustrated by it. It isn't Beloved's job to LEAD me. We tried the D/s, and it just wasn't a good fit. I consider my feelings about God and it is very similar. I am not one to be LED.

I do, however, need support, encouragement, and occasionally a brace. Like a pole in a tipi, we lean against each other and are strong. Together, we can weather the storms and find shelter.

There are plenty of days that I do lean heavily on him, though. I played this for Beloved, and we both had tears in our eyes. I know that I have responsibility for my own life, my own happiness...and yet...I need him. I have faith because he has taught me to believe. Always and forever.


The second song I found looking for the first one.



"Those damaged goods you see in your reflection, Love sees them differently; Love sees perfection...You're not the worthless they made you feel...And you don't have to stay the broken girl."

I know this...have known it for years and years. A few years ago I wrote a story titled The Journey Down. It's a brutal whipping scene that ends with

I know this exchange will not end here, that the strips on my back will last for the next week, the scars for longer. It is the map of my journey, of my acceptance, of my release. I am free at last.

*sigh* How many tears does it take? Am I choosing to stay broken? Am I broken for reasons other than...deeper than? It's very confusing to me, just want do I need to forgive, and whom.

Just keep at it...every step, every day. Breathe and trust. Have faith.

Never stop running...

It's been a crazy busy week-and-a-half...and I'm still not done!

• Boy's birthday was October 25th. My dad and his wife came out for dinner, and then we had the village join us for cupcakes and a round of "Happy Birthday". Sunshine and her mom and HBY-n-SSQ all brought really neat, thoughtful gifts. The Boy has been enamoured with the Hex Bugs and Beloved has been puzzling over the Perplexus. It was a really nice evening.
• Friday night was spent at school for the Fall Follies. Girl was too shy to go up on stage, but Boy did a great job with his songs. There was a wonderful potluck spread and then a candle-lit walk through the woods to see the scarecrows that the students had put together. It was actually really well done!
• Saturday was the kids' birthday party, and Beloved was AWESOME! He really pulled the whole thing together, even including an actual plot of having the kids defeat Bizarro after he led them into a trap. Beloved also took photos of the kids when they arrived and presented them with Official ID cards, having completed "Avengers Academy." I am awed by his abilities!
• Sunday saw us hanging out with Beloved's oldest friend at a family Halloween party. We claimed the card table in the basement after the football game was over and played Bridge for a couple of hours! It was fantastic! We stayed until the very end, cheerfully denying Ma the bulk of clean-up.
• Monday night I went out on a date with Phoenix. Dinner, dessert, and walk, but it was a lot of fun and lots of laughter. Schedules being what they are, I don't know when we will get a chance to meet up again, though.
• Wednesday was Halloween, of course. At 3 o'clock, Beloved and I didn't have costumes planned, but we have a great costume box! By 4 o'clock, we had a Gauntlet foursome heading out for trick-or-treating. We met up with Sunshine and wandered the neighborhood. At 6 o'clock, we headed to the local university for a Howl-o-ween concert, organized by DarkOpera. It was a fantastic show that actually held the kids' attention for the whole presentation. After dinner and getting the kids to bed, Sunshine, DarkOpera, Beloved and I sat at the dining room table, drank a bottle of Hallowine, and bantered until midnight.
• Today I had tea with Tamin and I have spent the afternoon taking down Halloween decor. I have a smaller collection of Thanksgiving and harvest decorations to put up, and I am hoping the kids will help with the window clings.
• Soup Swap is on Saturday. While my roasted pumpkin soup is made, it still needs to be jarred, and Beloved has plans for making chili...at some point between now and the event. I think we have 15+ people coming, and I'm excited about the enthusiasm for the idea. We're also collecting canned goods for the local food drive.

So...yeah. Run, run, run. It is a good thing, but oh golly am I wondering if there is any downtime in the future...

Dark things

I am reading Kushiel's Dart by Jacqueline Carey. The main character is Phèdre no Delaunay, trained from a girl to be a spy and sexual servant. She also is an anguissette who will always find "pleasure in pain". The book has some incredibly intense scenes that leave me wistful and aching for the lash.

Beloved and I have avoided such scenes, though. The trouble is the physical pain scenes I have participated in don't lead me to a subspace catharsis. I can only think of two times that have I been able to transcend the pain and anger. Once was under duress, when I thought that I was beyond redemption and I welcomed the punishment.

I used to poke Sir about his fascinations, because he was the darkest person I knew. I begged him to tell me, to show me how far it went, and he never did. Mostly, I think I am grateful, because he is probably right about my squeamish limit. The hints he would drop would make my blood run cold and question what I doing looking at anything lifestyle. The last scene between us was in the basement and involve much more psychological mind-fuckery than anything actual pain...he drew me into a place that I had misjudged and willingly given myself to the worst possible, that he could finally pay me back for the betrayal years before...

There was just enough that his words alone drew me into shock. What was he capable of? What could I have taken in that place of hate and loathing? I broke in minutes, before anything HAPPENED. I have berated myself for the failing ever since.It was also the proof that while Sir might indeed cause pain, I didn't need to FEAR him anymore. A relief and disappointment that is unlikely to ever be tried again.

If that is what it takes to embrace...to flourish...in that space, I don't know if it is a healthy place for me. And yet...

Steel-Rose wrote The eyes of a Sadist "...my mind has gone dark with the thrill of it." Oh yes, I know how that feeling! I read the stories, the scenes, the intensity and I am filled with longing and fear.

What IS it that I crave?

No cohesive threads...

So I'm settling for some bullet points.

• My disappointment with my two favorite plants from the Arboretum was met by two different guys with the same solution: automation! Install automatic driplines and I wouldn't have to worry about the drought-hardiness of my interests. *laughs* While I appreciate the support and the "fix" for the "problem", I do not want to go that route. It defeats the naturalization and native goals. Let me sniff and scowl and move on to other fascinating options that will survive.
• I have a friend who I am aching for right now. Part of it is seeing some of my own frustrations, irritations, and challenges in her. Part of it is feeling like I orchestrated her move here and over the last six months, everything has unraveled and she is not happy. Part of it is feeling like I should have my shit together better so I could help more. *sigh* Yup...I want to rescue, and I can't and I'm sad for it.
• It is incredibly frustrating to try to capture an impromptu moment in words. Last night, Beloved and I went to a comedy club and I managed to play into a joke so perfectly that the comedian on stage cracked up! It was AWESOME!
• Beloved and I finally discovered a root for one of our major communication problems! It is based in our language patterns and our respective extrovert/introvert natures. I don't think it's an "easy" fix, but certainly being aware of what is happening is a positive first step.
• For the last two weeks, I have had a continuous acne outbreak. It's not OMG, but a couple of new pimples every other day or so... I don't know if it's stress or what. I don't think it's a change in diet or any other useful suspect.
• I am certainly stressed out about Boy's upcoming birthday! I had a great idea of making it a "Super Hero Training Party", but now I'm stuck with how that translates into a 6-year-old's fantasy. I have one week to make it happen. *forehead desk* WHY do I do this to myself???

I won't give up

Sometimes the roar in my head can drown out the rest of the world. I crave silence with fierce abandon, and anyone who dares to disrupt risks being drawn into the emotional malstrom. I lash out, cut ties, and tear myself up.

There has been a lot of that in the last six months. It has been incredibly painful and agonizingly slow. Transitions often seem that way.

Just as the world was coming to an end,
the caterpillar became the butterfly.

More times than I can count, Beloved has waded through the brutal waves and reached me. He stubbornly refuses to let me drift away. He is sometimes able to give me an outside perspective and help me piece together what is REALLY going on.

Today, this song came on the radio. It was mid-way through the song, and the first lyrics I caught were "I won't give up on us." Tears were streaming down my face and I picked up my phone.

"Help please!"
"Hello my love! How can I help?"
"As usual, I don't know the name of the song, but the lyrics are "I won't give up on us." Can you please find it for me? I can hear you singing this to me..."

He found it and send the link along to me. I haven't gotten his reaction to the song at all, but listening to it again fills me with love and longing, courage and consternation.

I am so scared to let myself go, and yet I am so hopeful that I can find a way to calm the storms for good. This re-making of me is a good thing. I am so lucky to have so many friends who continue to brave the moments of insanity and always remind me I am loved. I won't give up on us (no I'm not giving up) God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved) We've got a lot to learn (we're alive, we are loved) God knows we're worth it (and we're worth it)