I am reading Kushiel's Dart by Jacqueline Carey. The main character is Phèdre no Delaunay, trained from a girl to be a spy and sexual servant. She also is an anguissette who will always find "pleasure in pain". The book has some incredibly intense scenes that leave me wistful and aching for the lash.
Beloved and I have avoided such scenes, though. The trouble is the physical pain scenes I have participated in don't lead me to a subspace catharsis. I can only think of two times that have I been able to transcend the pain and anger. Once was under duress, when I thought that I was beyond redemption and I welcomed the punishment.
I used to poke Sir about his fascinations, because he was the darkest person I knew. I begged him to tell me, to show me how far it went, and he never did. Mostly, I think I am grateful, because he is probably right about my squeamish limit. The hints he would drop would make my blood run cold and question what I doing looking at anything lifestyle. The last scene between us was in the basement and involve much more psychological mind-fuckery than anything actual pain...he drew me into a place that I had misjudged and willingly given myself to the worst possible, that he could finally pay me back for the betrayal years before...
There was just enough that his words alone drew me into shock. What was he capable of? What could I have taken in that place of hate and loathing? I broke in minutes, before anything HAPPENED. I have berated myself for the failing ever since.It was also the proof that while Sir might indeed cause pain, I didn't need to FEAR him anymore. A relief and disappointment that is unlikely to ever be tried again.
If that is what it takes to embrace...to flourish...in that space, I don't know if it is a healthy place for me. And yet...
Steel-Rose wrote The eyes of a Sadist "...my mind has gone dark with the thrill of it." Oh yes, I know how that feeling! I read the stories, the scenes, the intensity and I am filled with longing and fear.
What IS it that I crave?
I ask that same question of myself quite a lot. What is it that is craved to sate?
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