Relationships aren't simple, and poly simply compounds all of the possibilities. And if I wasn't already complicated enough, I add in kink and D/s. It has become a source of heartache and confusion.
In the kink realm, I have always presented myself as Beloved's girl pixie. Because I am at home and have more downtime, I have formulated many friendships and connections as pixie, and Beloved is largely unknown. He is an enigma...someone I worship and am dedicated to, and thus held by others with respect and maybe a touch of awe. Beloved himself has explained it as, people know pixie, but when I am present, the reaction is "oooo, it's Saul," like I a some badass Dominant Master.
*smiles* I like that because it gives me a safety net. I am owned and protected and cherished. I am Beloved's.
But something happened. Sunshine entered the space. It started at Tryst, and I had a complete meltdown. I isolated and withdrew completely, unwilling and unable to share. Since then it has grown to the 800 ton gorilla in the room...at least in my own head, it is no longer Beloved and pixie...people recognize Sunshine and Saul because they are seen together in places that I have shown up solo. I feel replaced, and I ache inside.
Beloved and I have a hard talk about this on Monday, and I said some very hurtful things. I'm not sure that I didn't mean them, but I am also unwilling to say I demand action on them. I recognize that I am in a space of transition in many areas of my life. "Pixie" holds some bitterness that I'd like to shed. After eight years, perhaps "Pixie" has served her purpose.
I know that Beloved will always protect me and cherish me, that he will always have my back. I know I am safe and I know he honors my consistent desire to explore darker play. Yet I stumble on the fine line of needing to be safe while feeling unsafe. It twists me up and confuses me. What am I looking for?
*sigh* I don't know. So, for the moment, it is just me, wandering.
In your head, Pixie is inexorably tied to Beloved/Saul. Defined by and legitimized by Beloved/Saul. The truth is that it's the other way around. Pixie is a real person, one with a blog, one that participates in events, one that attends conferences and gives lectures. Pixie is a magical creature who is her own being. She has been desired and revered. She has been envied as well.
ReplyDeleteBeloved/Saul has always been defined by Pixies shadow. People see him through your eyes. Revered him by virtue of Pixies perspective. When we would go to club I was noticed because of you. When people talked about me it was in relation to you.
Like you, I am going through and trying to figure out who *I* am. That is true in almost every aspect of my life. At tryst I was forced to push myself into my own explorations.
Taking ownership of Saul doesn't diminish Pixie. Being seen in the company of Sunshine doesn't either. It is me learning to have my own wings and my own desires, and it is a good thing. It means that I will be better capable, confident, and that I will be able to offer my love and support when I know my own limits and don't cross them. It's so hard to say to you that your dark fantasies are something I can't fulfill for you but I think that I am ultimately doing you a service by not. Then I am able to support you and be the aspects of Beloved that I have always worn like a badge. I am able to support you in finding what you need, helping to keep you safe, loving you for who you are, and not judge you for where you find yourself.