Sleep

My relationship with sleep is irksome at best.  It always has been.  As a little kid (3-7), I was a sleep-walker and freaked my mother out more than once.  As an older kid (8-14), I would wake up and be up for hours.  Living on the first floor, I figured out how to remove the screen from my window and slip out into the night.  Apparently my parents had big fights about this, but never let on that they knew about it. 

I wasn't the "normal" teenager through high school; I was up around 4am, got things ready for the kids going to school, got myself to school, did homework until it was time for Early Bird PE (it was awesome...fencing, archery, and ultimate frisbee instead of the usual crap that I was no good at).  The flip side of that I napped through lunch and usually went to bed as soon as dinner was cleaned up.

College was a mishmosh of these patterns.  I caught naps when I could, sometimes falling asleep so soundly in Beloved's room while the guys played video games that I didn't budge when someone didn't see me and sat on me!  It happened more than once, apparently, and caused everyone to crack up.  Once a month, I'd sleep through a 24-hour cycle, reset, and function for another month of 4-5 hours until I crashed again.

My professional career didn't align my sleep patterns, either.  Fortunately, I was efficient in the work assigned.  I actually got scolded for this and was told to slow down!  HA!  I didn't.  Instead, I figured out that my desk was actually big/deep enough that I could crawl under it, pull the CPU tower in front of me, and snooze.  I'd still take a day to catch up once in a while, though.

My pregnancy with Boy was hard, though.  I'd moved on from that first job and found myself in a manager position with an abundance of work, and no amount of efficiency was going to garner me a break.  Added to that was the HG and malnourishment, and THEN the very active nocturnal child...  *smiles*  I spent many nights in the bathtub, watching the movements inside of me.

Life with small kids meant being chronically deprived of sleep, making me edgy and borderline.  The dysthymia translated that into major depression, and I got through a day at a time, while the world crumbled around me. 

I'd like to say things are better now, but I don't know.   Yesterday is a perfect example.  I went to bed at 8:30pm and slept solidly until 8am.  I got up, did the grocery shop, picked up Girl, got home, got the groceries HALF put-away, and found myself curling up in bed for another 3 hours!  It wasn't a solid sleep because Girl would come in and talk about how we eat and it turns into poop or that she was going to make some tea and did I want some, but still...sheesh!  Last night, again, I fell asleep while Beloved was talking to me (about 10:30pm) and had to drag myself out of bed come morning. 

I feel a little useless for it.  I look at all the things I *should* get done and wonder what is wrong with me.  I don't have the hopeless feelings of depression, I'm just tired.  Beloved has been gentle about this, saying I need to fulfill my needs before I can fulfill his.  *sigh*  I don't want to need such a stupid amount of sleep, though!  I don't usually need THAT much sleep, but 8-10 hours nightly works best...  There's so much I'd rather be doing!

Ah well...it is what it is.  I need to be out the door in 15 minutes to meet the school fieldtrip at the Arboretum.  Right now, it's overcast, but not raining.  Hopefully, the rain will hold off until 2pm and it will be a wonderfully warm autumn day to be outside!