I won't give up

Sometimes the roar in my head can drown out the rest of the world. I crave silence with fierce abandon, and anyone who dares to disrupt risks being drawn into the emotional malstrom. I lash out, cut ties, and tear myself up.

There has been a lot of that in the last six months. It has been incredibly painful and agonizingly slow. Transitions often seem that way.

Just as the world was coming to an end,
the caterpillar became the butterfly.

More times than I can count, Beloved has waded through the brutal waves and reached me. He stubbornly refuses to let me drift away. He is sometimes able to give me an outside perspective and help me piece together what is REALLY going on.

Today, this song came on the radio. It was mid-way through the song, and the first lyrics I caught were "I won't give up on us." Tears were streaming down my face and I picked up my phone.

"Help please!"
"Hello my love! How can I help?"
"As usual, I don't know the name of the song, but the lyrics are "I won't give up on us." Can you please find it for me? I can hear you singing this to me..."

He found it and send the link along to me. I haven't gotten his reaction to the song at all, but listening to it again fills me with love and longing, courage and consternation.

I am so scared to let myself go, and yet I am so hopeful that I can find a way to calm the storms for good. This re-making of me is a good thing. I am so lucky to have so many friends who continue to brave the moments of insanity and always remind me I am loved. I won't give up on us (no I'm not giving up) God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved) We've got a lot to learn (we're alive, we are loved) God knows we're worth it (and we're worth it)