There are times that I really really dislike the Internet journals like LJ, MySpace, FaceBook, OKCupid, etc. When it really boils down to it, we use them as mass-emails to inform people about our lives.
That can bite us in the ass sometimes. Friends who have family readers can't share certain aspects of their lives, and sometimes that means friends get left out as well. The occasions when life is just to busy to post leaves readers wondering why they aren't privy to the intimate details. Posts that leave us begging for more (and the story-telling posts are the hardest to wait for!). The nagging sense I occasionally get to defend my presence or non-presence at an event I wasn't personally invited to but was posting in a journal.
It makes things a mess. I wish there were a better way.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Sunday, June 29, 2008
"For women the best aphrodisiacs are words. The G-spot is in the ears. He who looks for it below there is wasting his time." --Isabel Allende
Mostly, I found the above quote amusing...true...and maybe a bit cliche. *shrug* I guess it depends on the kind of aphrodisiac you want to use. Isabel may well be correct if you are the romantic, warm lover. If you are a slave, sucking Master's cock is enough to get me ready for anything. *snickers*
Anyhow, back to work. We are removing an old spaghetti boiler from the basement. *wrinkles nose* Not the sort of thing I'd CHOOSE to do on a Sunday, but then it wasn't up to me, was it?
Mostly, I found the above quote amusing...true...and maybe a bit cliche. *shrug* I guess it depends on the kind of aphrodisiac you want to use. Isabel may well be correct if you are the romantic, warm lover. If you are a slave, sucking Master's cock is enough to get me ready for anything. *snickers*
Anyhow, back to work. We are removing an old spaghetti boiler from the basement. *wrinkles nose* Not the sort of thing I'd CHOOSE to do on a Sunday, but then it wasn't up to me, was it?
Friday, June 27, 2008
The struggles continue
"As a Master, many times, my wishes will be substantially different than my slave’s ideal of what I should expect of her. These are the times that separate the true slave from those who just “poke it with a stick”.
If a slave rises to the occasion and not only complies with her owner’s wishes but does them the very best she knows how despite her personal feelings regarding his orders, then she has ascended to a peak in her slavery."
~ Cavalier
Beloved has asked a task of me that I really. don't. wanna. do.
It has to do with the attic. This is not the first time the attic has been of contention, either. The first time, it was because we were having the roof redone, and WE had agreed to go through all the boxes in storage to gleen crap out. I got through all of my stuff...took several boxes of old clothes, books, nick-nacks to donation. But after a week of working hard and finally feeling like I was DONE, he asked that I do his stuff.
It became a real fight. I don't know what is important and what isn't. I don't know what he wants to keep, what is garbage, what might be useful to someone else. It's NOT MINE! It's NOT FAIR!
"No, it isn't...but that's the way it is."
~ Sarah, Labyrinth
*sigh* This time, Beloved has asked (repeatedly) that I go into the attic to collect and sort his tools. *sigh* It's stupid. It's easy, for pete's sake. WHY DO I HAVE THIS HANG-UP???
I did go up and sweep a bit, carried up the buckets to sort tools, and then fumbled. I am not a handyman. I don't know what these things are called, let alone what they are used for. Most of it looks like nails, scrapes, supply things...am I supposed to sort those?
I tried to ask Beloved via IM...that went poorly.
girl: Hey Beloved? I'm really not sure what to do with your stuff up in the attic.
Beloved Master: Okay, no worries
girl: no...it IS a worry. But there aren't many TOOLS up there. It's mostly wires, screws, nails, papers....
Beloved Master: The tools are all i care about right now. If you have collected and categorized them then you have done all I asked. If you'd like to do more then take the buckets into the basement.
girl: I wish I could convey how frustrating I find this...but maybe you know because you haven't done it either
Beloved Master: Nor have i really pushed for it. What you have done is perfect.
girl: but I haven't done anything.
girl: forget it....I'm going
At which point I made the tantrum mistake and slammed the computer closed. I went upstairs and moved more stuff around. I got the sweepings into one of the big buckets and cleared off most of two tables. I moved the buckets of tools down to the basement. I spent a lot of that time being angry and resentful, questioning whether I was just another bratty woman who plays at being submissive as long as it goes her way.
At which point I sat down in the sawdust and cried.
I feel like Beloved knows how much I didn't want this chore...he's even admitted he's hesitated about bringing it up because the last time (before the D/s play, btw) it blew up in his face. It's come really close to doing that again. So why...why set me up for failure? Why do this to me? Or does it have anything to do with me at all? Is it simply that he is so intimidated by the task that he sloughs it off on me? Is it a test? Is it a punishment? Is it about me?
I feel like a failure.
I did the work, but I didn't do it happily. I'm less angry about it now, but I'm resigned rather than relieved that it's done. I might even say I did my best within the limited knowledge that I had, but there is no satisfaction. *sigh* I wish my submission didn't have to be a struggle like this.
If a slave rises to the occasion and not only complies with her owner’s wishes but does them the very best she knows how despite her personal feelings regarding his orders, then she has ascended to a peak in her slavery."
~ Cavalier
Beloved has asked a task of me that I really. don't. wanna. do.
It has to do with the attic. This is not the first time the attic has been of contention, either. The first time, it was because we were having the roof redone, and WE had agreed to go through all the boxes in storage to gleen crap out. I got through all of my stuff...took several boxes of old clothes, books, nick-nacks to donation. But after a week of working hard and finally feeling like I was DONE, he asked that I do his stuff.
It became a real fight. I don't know what is important and what isn't. I don't know what he wants to keep, what is garbage, what might be useful to someone else. It's NOT MINE! It's NOT FAIR!
"No, it isn't...but that's the way it is."
~ Sarah, Labyrinth
*sigh* This time, Beloved has asked (repeatedly) that I go into the attic to collect and sort his tools. *sigh* It's stupid. It's easy, for pete's sake. WHY DO I HAVE THIS HANG-UP???
I did go up and sweep a bit, carried up the buckets to sort tools, and then fumbled. I am not a handyman. I don't know what these things are called, let alone what they are used for. Most of it looks like nails, scrapes, supply things...am I supposed to sort those?
I tried to ask Beloved via IM...that went poorly.
girl: Hey Beloved? I'm really not sure what to do with your stuff up in the attic.
Beloved Master: Okay, no worries
girl: no...it IS a worry. But there aren't many TOOLS up there. It's mostly wires, screws, nails, papers....
Beloved Master: The tools are all i care about right now. If you have collected and categorized them then you have done all I asked. If you'd like to do more then take the buckets into the basement.
girl: I wish I could convey how frustrating I find this...but maybe you know because you haven't done it either
Beloved Master: Nor have i really pushed for it. What you have done is perfect.
girl: but I haven't done anything.
girl: forget it....I'm going
At which point I made the tantrum mistake and slammed the computer closed. I went upstairs and moved more stuff around. I got the sweepings into one of the big buckets and cleared off most of two tables. I moved the buckets of tools down to the basement. I spent a lot of that time being angry and resentful, questioning whether I was just another bratty woman who plays at being submissive as long as it goes her way.
At which point I sat down in the sawdust and cried.
I feel like Beloved knows how much I didn't want this chore...he's even admitted he's hesitated about bringing it up because the last time (before the D/s play, btw) it blew up in his face. It's come really close to doing that again. So why...why set me up for failure? Why do this to me? Or does it have anything to do with me at all? Is it simply that he is so intimidated by the task that he sloughs it off on me? Is it a test? Is it a punishment? Is it about me?
I feel like a failure.
I did the work, but I didn't do it happily. I'm less angry about it now, but I'm resigned rather than relieved that it's done. I might even say I did my best within the limited knowledge that I had, but there is no satisfaction. *sigh* I wish my submission didn't have to be a struggle like this.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Summer struggles
I have forgotten my place lately, and while Beloved hasn't punished me for it, I am feeling rather miserable about the situation I find myself.
I suppose the best way to put it is that I have been very self-centered the last week or so. Boy was diagnosed with borderline bronchitis yesterday, and I have used his not feeling well to skip out on tasks. We have fallen off our regular schedule, and that is also a bad thing.
The hardest part, however, is that I've taken a somewhat head-strong position on what *I* want. Between a silly fantasy about carpet cleaning, an evening of volleyball that I got resentful because I didn't get to play much, and general discontent with the summer weather, I've been sassy. And I'm sorry.
Beloved has been really really wonderful to me, and I have played up the martyr for no reason other than "I don't wanna" do chores, give up my interests, give up my fun. I'm not begging for a punishment...but maybe I need it. *sigh* luvbunny got herself into a similar spot, and DragonMage had to be pretty damn hard on her to right things. I don't want to put Beloved through that, any more than I want to be punished. So...
*deep breath*
I am re-dedicating myself to my Beloved Master's desires. I will get things back together, and I WILL conquer my chat addiction. I will do this with a smile on my face and joy in my heart, because I know my life is better when I am in service to those I love.
I suppose the best way to put it is that I have been very self-centered the last week or so. Boy was diagnosed with borderline bronchitis yesterday, and I have used his not feeling well to skip out on tasks. We have fallen off our regular schedule, and that is also a bad thing.
The hardest part, however, is that I've taken a somewhat head-strong position on what *I* want. Between a silly fantasy about carpet cleaning, an evening of volleyball that I got resentful because I didn't get to play much, and general discontent with the summer weather, I've been sassy. And I'm sorry.
Beloved has been really really wonderful to me, and I have played up the martyr for no reason other than "I don't wanna" do chores, give up my interests, give up my fun. I'm not begging for a punishment...but maybe I need it. *sigh* luvbunny got herself into a similar spot, and DragonMage had to be pretty damn hard on her to right things. I don't want to put Beloved through that, any more than I want to be punished. So...
*deep breath*
I am re-dedicating myself to my Beloved Master's desires. I will get things back together, and I WILL conquer my chat addiction. I will do this with a smile on my face and joy in my heart, because I know my life is better when I am in service to those I love.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Sister-slave musings
I don't really have a sister-slave, but sometimes I feel that close with silvara, Halder's slave. The five of us (Boy included) went out for supper and talk turned to some of the challenges of being 24/7. One of the comments Halder made was to tease that silvara liked to watch when I was used, which earned him a dirty look. He laughed, and said that it was knowing that it must be hard, knowing the same punishment could be given to her.
I shook my head. "It has less to do with fearing a punishment and everything to do with wishing *I* could spare *her* the suffering."
Silvara chimed in that "Even when you know it's something she enjoys, it's hard to see the pain."
The dichotomy of enjoying a session and yet wanting to spare someone the agony is intriguing. I know I have bitten my lip and worried over other submissives/bottoms/slaves at club, even when there is no way in HELL I'd *want* to be subject to XY or Z, and while I've never watched Halder play with silvara, I know I'll be wincing with every swing he makes. DragonMage touched on the struggle a Dominate husband has in response to a comment I made in another post.
Do you play with others and find it hard to apathetic?
I shook my head. "It has less to do with fearing a punishment and everything to do with wishing *I* could spare *her* the suffering."
Silvara chimed in that "Even when you know it's something she enjoys, it's hard to see the pain."
The dichotomy of enjoying a session and yet wanting to spare someone the agony is intriguing. I know I have bitten my lip and worried over other submissives/bottoms/slaves at club, even when there is no way in HELL I'd *want* to be subject to XY or Z, and while I've never watched Halder play with silvara, I know I'll be wincing with every swing he makes. DragonMage touched on the struggle a Dominate husband has in response to a comment I made in another post.
Do you play with others and find it hard to apathetic?
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
As Master wishes...
Last night was enjoyable, if frustrating (for me). I was tired and VERY ready for sleep, but Beloved grabbed my hair and kissed me deeply. He then told me he wanted to put on a porno and have me suck him off. *wry smile* As any good slave, I didn't mention my reservation. I answered, "As Master wishes," and followed him to the den.
He put on a dvd and settled back on the couch. I knelt between his legs and caresses, admired, and teased his cock for a few minutes. Listening to the movie behind me, I could hear when things began to get interesting and took my ques from that. It wasn't long before I was deep-throating him, licking his balls while his cock was buried in my mouth. I varied the suction, contact, texture, and even temperature in order to keep him on the edge I *think* I managed to get him to the point where he was riding the wave...orgasming without cumming...and then building him back up, higher and higher. He did mention his lips going numb and his whole body shook and trembled. When he finally did cum, it was in heavy, slow spasms that seemed to last for a long time. I brushed my fingers over his body, keeping his softening cock in my mouth as he came down.
Afterwards, he kissed me deeply, praising me, and bit my neck hard while caressing my nipples. I wanted him to take me, to pull me up on the couch and lick my clit and tongue-fuck me...I was shivering with desire and wet, wet, wet.
But Beloved didn't offer. I didn't want to ask...it just isn't in line with the slave-persona, I guess. Sometimes it is really hard to balance my desires with what a "good slave" would do and asking has always been very hard for me. I rather assumed if he had wanted me, he would have offered..or taken..., but knowing how much I'd just given him, I think he was more than ready to curl up and go to sleep. When Beloved went to wash up, I snagged the dvd and put it away, turning off the television. In the bedroom, he cuffed my ankle and tied me to the bed, and then let me snuggle up close to him. It took a long time for sleep to come to me because of my excitement, but it did eventually.
He put on a dvd and settled back on the couch. I knelt between his legs and caresses, admired, and teased his cock for a few minutes. Listening to the movie behind me, I could hear when things began to get interesting and took my ques from that. It wasn't long before I was deep-throating him, licking his balls while his cock was buried in my mouth. I varied the suction, contact, texture, and even temperature in order to keep him on the edge I *think* I managed to get him to the point where he was riding the wave...orgasming without cumming...and then building him back up, higher and higher. He did mention his lips going numb and his whole body shook and trembled. When he finally did cum, it was in heavy, slow spasms that seemed to last for a long time. I brushed my fingers over his body, keeping his softening cock in my mouth as he came down.
Afterwards, he kissed me deeply, praising me, and bit my neck hard while caressing my nipples. I wanted him to take me, to pull me up on the couch and lick my clit and tongue-fuck me...I was shivering with desire and wet, wet, wet.
But Beloved didn't offer. I didn't want to ask...it just isn't in line with the slave-persona, I guess. Sometimes it is really hard to balance my desires with what a "good slave" would do and asking has always been very hard for me. I rather assumed if he had wanted me, he would have offered..or taken..., but knowing how much I'd just given him, I think he was more than ready to curl up and go to sleep. When Beloved went to wash up, I snagged the dvd and put it away, turning off the television. In the bedroom, he cuffed my ankle and tied me to the bed, and then let me snuggle up close to him. It took a long time for sleep to come to me because of my excitement, but it did eventually.
Saturday, June 21, 2008
Summer Solstice
Master, my destiny, leans near,
And whispers in my ear, "I love you so!"
He plants a light peck on my cheek
and I, sun-kissed, know
no better moment that this one, right now.
Ecstatically, I dance around, so glad,
Without a future or a past.
But, how
can this fulfillment be? A myriad
Excuses line its way. Awake, I see
not anything but scorching, raw sun rays.
For, blazing, like a god to devotee,
He rules with burning fists and sun-kissed days.
Master inspires me, but is it real?
Incredibly, I know--I think--I feel.
Beloved's girl, pixie 2008
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