10 Favorites:
Favorite Colors: Green and Purple
Favorite Food: bao
Favorite Band/Singer: Johnny Clegg
Favorite Song: hard to say
Favorite Movie: Labyrinth
Favorite Sport: Volleyball
Favorite Season: Spring? I think...
Favorite Day Of the Week: seriously don't have one
Favorite Ice Cream Flavor: Cookie dough
Favorite Time of Day: whenever it is that I finally escape for a shower
9 Currents:
Current Mood: tired
Current Taste: eclectic
Current Clothes: fleece jacket, turtle neck, jeans, fuzzy socks (it's getting cold)
Current Desktop Picture: Boy on the park slide
Current Toenail Color: N/a
Current Time: 8:15 pm
Current Surroundings: Great Room
Current Annoyance(s): cold toes
Current Thought: I should be carving pumpkins...
8 Firsts:
First Best Friend: Naomi
First Kiss: Mike
First Screen Name: Katt
First Pet: A dog named Sandy
First Piercing: Ears when I was 8
First Crush: Chris
First Music You Remember Hearing: Mom's singing to me
First Car: 1988 Toyota Celica
7 Lasts:
Last Cigarette: Never smoked
Last Drink: Iced tea
Last Car Ride: This afternoon with Boy
Last Kiss: Beloved, when he left for work
Last Movie Watched: Bob the Builder - Celebrate with Bob (yup, I'm a mom)
Last CD Played: Lost Boys soundtrack
Last Pee: a couple of hours ago
6 Have You Evers:
Have You Ever Dated One Of Your Best Friends: Yes...and married him, too!
Have You Ever Broken the Law: yup
Have You Ever Been Arrested: nope
Have You Ever Skinny-Dipped: yup
Have You Ever Been on TV: yup
Have You Ever Been Drunk: a few times
5 Things:
5 Things You’re Wearing: black fleece, white turtle neck, white nursing bra, blue jeans, white cotton panties
5 Things You Can’t Live Without: water, food, air, warmth, cuddles
5 Things You Can Hear Right Now: Bob the Builder, Javu snoring, silvara typing, ummmm...it's pretty quiet at the moment
5 Things You Hate: being engorged, okra, cold toes, Beloved working long hours, Boy being sick
4 places:
4 Places You’ve Been: Great Barrier Reef, Great Wall of China, Great Continental Divide, all five Great Lakes
3 People You Can Tell Anything To: Beloved, my sister, and...ummmmmmm....
2 Choices:
Black or White: Black
Hot or Cold: Cold
1 Thing You Want to Do Before you Die: Visit Bali
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Monday, October 27, 2008
I'm going PURPLE!
*laughs* So a dozen attempts later, I have found a place near home that will dye my hair outrageous colors...specifically PURPLE! I'm geeked and freaked at the same time.
Photos will be forth coming...
Photos will be forth coming...
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Don't look...don't see...
There are a thousand snippets running through my head, but I don't feel collected enough to sort them into anything. I'm upset and a little freaked out right now.
What the hell are you supposed to do when someone you know only in cyberspace, only through a blog, is writing about her multiple suicide attempts this WEEK??? She's mixing meds and alcohol, hoping it will stop her breathing. She's taking a whole bottle of pills and winding up with cramps and jitters and a whole lot of FAILURE in her head. Now she's researching something else....
Yes, I posted a comment, but WHAT THE HELL CAN I DO???????? I don't even know her NAME for certain. I feel there's a caged bird in my chest beating frantically against my ribs. I feel awful and sick and scared.
What the hell are you supposed to do when someone you know only in cyberspace, only through a blog, is writing about her multiple suicide attempts this WEEK??? She's mixing meds and alcohol, hoping it will stop her breathing. She's taking a whole bottle of pills and winding up with cramps and jitters and a whole lot of FAILURE in her head. Now she's researching something else....
Yes, I posted a comment, but WHAT THE HELL CAN I DO???????? I don't even know her NAME for certain. I feel there's a caged bird in my chest beating frantically against my ribs. I feel awful and sick and scared.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Pukey sick...
First it was Boy, and that was distressing. All day Tuesday, I did laundry and worried because juice and water wasn't staying down. We got through that, but last night it was MY turn. And silvara's turn. And boy oh boy, it was not a fun night!
*sigh* The scary part for me is that it was like a sneak peak of what would happen if I got hyperemesis again when I get pregnant. I only puked like five times last night. At the height of my troubles with Boy, it was more like fifteen times. The thought is terrifying, and insane...cause by the time I was heading to the bathroom for the fourth round, I was thinking, "Okay....been here, done that and survived. Maybe I CAN do this..."
*rolls eyes* For those who don't know, last time, my HG lasted seven very long months, and I didn't have a two year old to chase around. I must be fricken insane.
*sigh* The scary part for me is that it was like a sneak peak of what would happen if I got hyperemesis again when I get pregnant. I only puked like five times last night. At the height of my troubles with Boy, it was more like fifteen times. The thought is terrifying, and insane...cause by the time I was heading to the bathroom for the fourth round, I was thinking, "Okay....been here, done that and survived. Maybe I CAN do this..."
*rolls eyes* For those who don't know, last time, my HG lasted seven very long months, and I didn't have a two year old to chase around. I must be fricken insane.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Drawing to conclusions
Last night, Beloved and I attended Mistress Thorny Rose's play party gala. MTR's dungeon is incredible! Two walls were lined with floggers, ranging from natural horsehair to leather to rubber to chain. She had four craft storage dressers carefully labeled and sorted for smaller toys, and two large garbage cans were used to store the thumpy things. There were eight installations, including a suspension rig that they had modified the ceiling for. I was impressed and a little overwhelmed.
There were eight or ten D/s couples, all of whom were heavily into the SM portion of bdsm. Nearly everyone was a heavy chain-smoker, too, and that was hard to take. There was a lot of friendly banter and teasing, but I felt incredibly out of place. I got Beloved drinks and rubbed his feet, but there really wasn't any SERVICE I could provide. He gave me an incredible backrub (thank you thank you thank you) and had me preen for another Dom, but other than that, the teases went no where.
There were two scenes in the dungeon before some needle play was started... *frowns* I don't get it. It certainly didn't gross me out, but it wasn't erotic to me either. Master J put twenty needles into the girl's breasts, slapped them a bunch, and then pulled them out. The whole scene was maybe forty-five long. *shrug* I guess I lack the appreciation for it.
As that scene was cleaned up, Beloved launched into teasing me again, having me pull up my shirt so he could put some silly clamps on my nips. Due to my not nursing for two days, I was tender but steadfast as he pulled on the clamps and "showed off" a bit for MTR. But that was it. He took the clamps off and turned to watch as Master R launched into a spanking scene with another girl. Beloved had said he wanted to see j naked, so I wandered off in search of something to do, feeling let down and lost.
In the kitchen, I found the sink full of dishes, and I started washing. It was SOMETHING I could do to be helpful and submissive. Two of the other submissives came over and said "oh sweetie, you don't have to do that" and I felt like I was treading on toes, but I said I really didn't mind at all and they left me to the few plates left. I wandered in and checked with Beloved, but when he mentioned to MTR that we needed to bow out, MTR pouted and asked if we couldn't stay another 15-20 minutes longer so she could finish the scene she was about to begin. Beloved graciously said of course we could, and I felt myself slipping.
I hung on him for a few minutes as he talked to MTR's switch-boy, but there was nothing for me there. I retreated to a corner, trying to gain my focus and balance. When another sub asked if I was okay, I lost it. Beloved found mein the corner, head bowed, tears coursing down my face. I felt worthless, embarassed, and all I wanted to do was run!
Beloved talked me down for a little while, and then MTR came and talked to us both, reassuring me that I was among friends, that sometimes things got a little freaky (was NOT the problem and I tried to reassure her I wasn't that squimish), and that it was all about being who we ARE.... I managed to explain that I simply felt out of place and that I hadn't had any service to offer, and she smiled, saying maybe next time she'd make sure there was something for me to do.
Beloved talked to me for another twenty minutes or so in the car, making sure I really was okay, before we set off for home. We got in about midnight and showered together. Coming back to the bedroom, Beloved laid me down and make love to me, warm and passionate. We slept cuddled up next to each other all night.
Despite how the party ended for us, I'm kinda glad we went. I am very sure that I do not have a place among the SM-ers. Sensual and service submission are really where I flourish. I can TAKE a beating...it might even be something I beg for from time to time...but that's just not the lifestyle I am comfortable with. Luckily for me, it doesn't seem to be where Beloved wants to put his focus either.
What does that mean for "Learning complaisance"? I'm not sure. I know I am still learning and so I will continue to use this space for my thoughts and triumphs and tears, but I don't know that many folks will find it INTERESTING. *shrug* I guess that's not my problem, though. So long as Beloved is content, I need to let go of my worries about anyone else...
There were eight or ten D/s couples, all of whom were heavily into the SM portion of bdsm. Nearly everyone was a heavy chain-smoker, too, and that was hard to take. There was a lot of friendly banter and teasing, but I felt incredibly out of place. I got Beloved drinks and rubbed his feet, but there really wasn't any SERVICE I could provide. He gave me an incredible backrub (thank you thank you thank you) and had me preen for another Dom, but other than that, the teases went no where.
There were two scenes in the dungeon before some needle play was started... *frowns* I don't get it. It certainly didn't gross me out, but it wasn't erotic to me either. Master J put twenty needles into the girl's breasts, slapped them a bunch, and then pulled them out. The whole scene was maybe forty-five long. *shrug* I guess I lack the appreciation for it.
As that scene was cleaned up, Beloved launched into teasing me again, having me pull up my shirt so he could put some silly clamps on my nips. Due to my not nursing for two days, I was tender but steadfast as he pulled on the clamps and "showed off" a bit for MTR. But that was it. He took the clamps off and turned to watch as Master R launched into a spanking scene with another girl. Beloved had said he wanted to see j naked, so I wandered off in search of something to do, feeling let down and lost.
In the kitchen, I found the sink full of dishes, and I started washing. It was SOMETHING I could do to be helpful and submissive. Two of the other submissives came over and said "oh sweetie, you don't have to do that" and I felt like I was treading on toes, but I said I really didn't mind at all and they left me to the few plates left. I wandered in and checked with Beloved, but when he mentioned to MTR that we needed to bow out, MTR pouted and asked if we couldn't stay another 15-20 minutes longer so she could finish the scene she was about to begin. Beloved graciously said of course we could, and I felt myself slipping.
I hung on him for a few minutes as he talked to MTR's switch-boy, but there was nothing for me there. I retreated to a corner, trying to gain my focus and balance. When another sub asked if I was okay, I lost it. Beloved found mein the corner, head bowed, tears coursing down my face. I felt worthless, embarassed, and all I wanted to do was run!
Beloved talked me down for a little while, and then MTR came and talked to us both, reassuring me that I was among friends, that sometimes things got a little freaky (was NOT the problem and I tried to reassure her I wasn't that squimish), and that it was all about being who we ARE.... I managed to explain that I simply felt out of place and that I hadn't had any service to offer, and she smiled, saying maybe next time she'd make sure there was something for me to do.
Beloved talked to me for another twenty minutes or so in the car, making sure I really was okay, before we set off for home. We got in about midnight and showered together. Coming back to the bedroom, Beloved laid me down and make love to me, warm and passionate. We slept cuddled up next to each other all night.
Despite how the party ended for us, I'm kinda glad we went. I am very sure that I do not have a place among the SM-ers. Sensual and service submission are really where I flourish. I can TAKE a beating...it might even be something I beg for from time to time...but that's just not the lifestyle I am comfortable with. Luckily for me, it doesn't seem to be where Beloved wants to put his focus either.
What does that mean for "Learning complaisance"? I'm not sure. I know I am still learning and so I will continue to use this space for my thoughts and triumphs and tears, but I don't know that many folks will find it INTERESTING. *shrug* I guess that's not my problem, though. So long as Beloved is content, I need to let go of my worries about anyone else...
Monday, October 6, 2008
And now, back to our regular conflict....
*sigh* yup. I'm stuck again, and it's only been a fricken week! How do you like that?
Let's see...updates. Tuesday, September 30th, Beloved and Halder hosted a Dominants Only Meeting (DOM as I call it). Mylie and I worked for several hours to get the house in order and I made a big dinner for the gathering of 11. Me being me, it wasn't perfect, I didn't get everything done that I had hoped, blah blah blah...Everyone else said it was all fabulous, including Dominants I've never met. *grimaces* Why why why can't I accept that? What will it take for me to really believe that I've done a good job? It HURTS inside...I'm never going to be enough, no matter what anyone says...
Regardless of that little tangent, the DOM was successful enough that they want to meet again, perhaps for demonstrations and hands-on experiences. There's interest in having submissives attend, too, and...Suddenly I feel like there are 11 Dominants asking *me* to organize something that I have no control over. How can I keep the DOM an open group, limited to 20 or less, and have submissives present? If each of the original attending Dominants bring one submissive, that's already 22 people... Then I start worrying about food and directing other submissives and I want to throw my hands up and run away screaming....
Oh...right. Another tangent. heh. Sorry about that. Back to the updates.
On Thursday, Beloved, Halder, and I played Lunar Rails. As a joke, I said we should wager because I was going to win. The guys accepted (my heart's desire was for Photoshop to be installed on my computer) and I trounced them. (Beloved laughed and said if he'd known how important Photoshop was to me, all I had to do was ask.) I felt guilty about it, and said something to the effect of, Would it be better if I got naked? Beloved said EVERYTHING is better when I'm naked, so in total jest, I stripped in the kitchen. Halder was in the next room (no doors) and had started to work on my computer. I'd sort of intended to make Beloved blush and laugh and pull my clothes on again.
Before I knew what was going on, Beloved had me leaning on the counter, back arched, and he was spanking me. It was a scene. Inside, I struggled something fierce! It was the first time since Cole that we'd scened with anyone present. It was the first time in over a month that we'd scened at all. It wasn't planned, it wasn't something I was ready for...I'm not even sure it was...IS...something I liked.
After the spanking, Beloved shooed me upstairs and fucked me hard. I did enjoy that very much, thank you, although the begging and fighting felt very forced on my side. It wasn't something *I* would have done, but I felt it was expected. *frowns*
Afterwards, I got up to thank Halder for working on my computer, and Beloved scolded me for not calling him "Sir", making me go back and thank him again properly. I almost never call Halder "Sir" and it was very awkward to knock on his door and explain that I had to thank him again...
I crawled into bed next to Beloved, who had turned off the lights and was under the blankets, ready for sleep. I rolled over to put on some chapstick and got scolded for not asking...that I should check to make sure Beloved was done with my lips before applying goop. I apologized and got scolded for calling Beloved "Sir" (I'm not "Sir" to you...I'm Beloved or I'm Master.). I wanted to cry. Instead I spent a restless couple of hours warring with what had happened. Was the scene over, or would the high protocol continue in the morning? What was expected? Was everything changing on me again???
I was starting to get comfortable with the idea that I am a service submissive, that I don't have to compete with submissives online who post bruised up pictures because that's not where my submission lies. *soft sigh* Now, I'm confused again.
I think I hate my submission.
I've thought about it for an hour (yeah, it's now 4 am...WTF) and it's not that I hate my submission. It's that I want someone to turn off my brain and just tell me what to do. I don't want to fight it, I don't want to feel like I'm not doing it well enough, I just want to BE. Just for a few moments, I want to float on the top of the water and not struggle against the current. I want to submit.
Let's see...updates. Tuesday, September 30th, Beloved and Halder hosted a Dominants Only Meeting (DOM as I call it). Mylie and I worked for several hours to get the house in order and I made a big dinner for the gathering of 11. Me being me, it wasn't perfect, I didn't get everything done that I had hoped, blah blah blah...Everyone else said it was all fabulous, including Dominants I've never met. *grimaces* Why why why can't I accept that? What will it take for me to really believe that I've done a good job? It HURTS inside...I'm never going to be enough, no matter what anyone says...
Regardless of that little tangent, the DOM was successful enough that they want to meet again, perhaps for demonstrations and hands-on experiences. There's interest in having submissives attend, too, and...Suddenly I feel like there are 11 Dominants asking *me* to organize something that I have no control over. How can I keep the DOM an open group, limited to 20 or less, and have submissives present? If each of the original attending Dominants bring one submissive, that's already 22 people... Then I start worrying about food and directing other submissives and I want to throw my hands up and run away screaming....
Oh...right. Another tangent. heh. Sorry about that. Back to the updates.
On Thursday, Beloved, Halder, and I played Lunar Rails. As a joke, I said we should wager because I was going to win. The guys accepted (my heart's desire was for Photoshop to be installed on my computer) and I trounced them. (Beloved laughed and said if he'd known how important Photoshop was to me, all I had to do was ask.) I felt guilty about it, and said something to the effect of, Would it be better if I got naked? Beloved said EVERYTHING is better when I'm naked, so in total jest, I stripped in the kitchen. Halder was in the next room (no doors) and had started to work on my computer. I'd sort of intended to make Beloved blush and laugh and pull my clothes on again.
Before I knew what was going on, Beloved had me leaning on the counter, back arched, and he was spanking me. It was a scene. Inside, I struggled something fierce! It was the first time since Cole that we'd scened with anyone present. It was the first time in over a month that we'd scened at all. It wasn't planned, it wasn't something I was ready for...I'm not even sure it was...IS...something I liked.
After the spanking, Beloved shooed me upstairs and fucked me hard. I did enjoy that very much, thank you, although the begging and fighting felt very forced on my side. It wasn't something *I* would have done, but I felt it was expected. *frowns*
Afterwards, I got up to thank Halder for working on my computer, and Beloved scolded me for not calling him "Sir", making me go back and thank him again properly. I almost never call Halder "Sir" and it was very awkward to knock on his door and explain that I had to thank him again...
I crawled into bed next to Beloved, who had turned off the lights and was under the blankets, ready for sleep. I rolled over to put on some chapstick and got scolded for not asking...that I should check to make sure Beloved was done with my lips before applying goop. I apologized and got scolded for calling Beloved "Sir" (I'm not "Sir" to you...I'm Beloved or I'm Master.). I wanted to cry. Instead I spent a restless couple of hours warring with what had happened. Was the scene over, or would the high protocol continue in the morning? What was expected? Was everything changing on me again???
I was starting to get comfortable with the idea that I am a service submissive, that I don't have to compete with submissives online who post bruised up pictures because that's not where my submission lies. *soft sigh* Now, I'm confused again.
I think I hate my submission.
I've thought about it for an hour (yeah, it's now 4 am...WTF) and it's not that I hate my submission. It's that I want someone to turn off my brain and just tell me what to do. I don't want to fight it, I don't want to feel like I'm not doing it well enough, I just want to BE. Just for a few moments, I want to float on the top of the water and not struggle against the current. I want to submit.
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