Sunday was morning chores with the kids. Beloved was summoned in on some work and had plans with Sunshine in the evening. I took the kids to one of the museums and managed to avoid having to talk to anyone about anything important all day.
Monday was Labor Day and started out a little rough. Beloved came home tired and promptly fell asleep cuddling...a sleep deep enough that I got up and made pancakes before he roused again. The family had some spats, but we managed to pull it together and spent the afternoon at an apple orchard.
Today was counseling. I spent the morning staring at my room and trying to mentally reorganize it. I did clear off some of my dresser and desk and got the bed stripped. Some productivity, I suppose. Counseling was adrift. She asked me what I was skirting. "Everything and nothing. I feel like I am grasping at anything I can to see if it will invoke some sense of direction." I'm lost in a blur of detachment and loneliness, but I don't really want anyone inside this bubble. If I can keep them out, I keep out the feelings, and I'm so tired of hurting.
She says my detachment disorder isn't flared by the kids because my child-self connects with them, but in doing so, I awaken the undigested grief of all the traumas of my own childhood...maybe that is why I've become so unstable since being a mother? I don't know.
Joy quoted Dr. Wayne Dyer
“By referring to previous struggles and using them as reasons for not getting on with your life today, you’re assigning responsibility to the past for why you can’t be successful or happy in the present.”
I recognize the truth there, but I don't know how to change my focus. My counselor asked what my vision was for myself. I've tried several ideas on here...horticulture, mortuary, social work, teacher, caretaker...but none of them stick, none of them inspire me to go beyond the first step of collecting information about the role. I keep looking backward because if I look forward, I get stung and afraid of the blank unknown.
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