Forty-one days. *closes eyes and wrinkles nose* Pregnancy is just...not my thing. Okay, yeah, I'll admit that I have probably spent hours watching my expanding tummy as Baby pushes and rolls against the confines of my uterus. But the rest???
*sigh* I saw Dr. K again today...standing weekly appointment for the last six months, and I'm really tired of doctor appointments...But Dr. K is amazing, a godsend, and a life-saver and if you need a chiropractor or accupunturist in the Chicagoland area, I'd be happy to give her information!!!...
For the last month or so, things like picking Boy up or even just riding the train were getting uncomfortably painful. I'd mentioned sex being an issue before. Well, in the last 3-4-5 days, it's been rather excruciating...I've been dreading the stairs in my house and last night I couldn't lay down because my groin hurt so much! Dr. K did some checking of other points and said that it looks like the hormones are going to work...my ligaments are all loose and my sacroiliac joint is coming apart already. She gave me a medical belt to help keep me together and an exercise to help strengthen the gluteus medius, and the relief is amazing...
Other unpleasantries of such preparations include nose bleeds and bloody gums because the membranes are thinning out. I'm fighting more nausea these days than I was...at least before, I'd throw up and feel better, but now, I'm just a little off all the time. My breasts are alternating between being hard as rocks and soft and achy.
Unfortunately (or fortunately?) it means my body is getting ready for giving birth. Since Baby is estimated to be bigger than expected, maybe Baby has plans for arriving sooner than my July 22nd schedule? I'm NOT complaining about less time being pregnant! Hell, I'd induce NOW if there weren't so many complications with premie babies...but I'm not so sure that the doctors were correct in moving my due date back to July 27th.
*sigh* Wait, wait, wait...and hope I can distract myself until something happens.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Up-swing
Beloved stayed home sick today, but the silly wonderful man let me sleep in this morning. His argument is reasonably fair...I DO sleep much better once the sun is up, but I still felt a little bashful about it. I listened to Boy and him reading books for a long while before finally dragging myself out of bed. I love listening to them together.
Since we had done a fair pickup last night, I knocked out the first floor cleaning...swept, washed, and vacuumed the floors. Beloved got the trash out. Almost half the household chores are DONE and it's only Tuesday. That puts a content smile on my face.
We interviewed a cleaning lady for after Baby arrives. It's just a once-a-month deal for about six months, but she'll be able to do a deep clean so that I can do maintenance cleaning without stressing too much. I don't know about her cleaning, but she seems to be a kindred spirit...and has a gamer husband and a 4-year old boy. *grin* We might end up with a friendship as well as a clean house.
I am (finally) dropping Beloved's car off to get the body work done. Our deductible is $500, and I've actually got the funds at the moment. Some friends are lending us one of their cars so I won't have to worry about doctor appointments and being tied to the house with Boy on the nice days.
I think I have an idea for the birth announcements, so I might start playing around with that. I also have an idea for the kids' room decor, but I suspect it's too ambitious for me to pull off right now. The roommates are moving this weekend, so at the very least I'll have the walls repaired and fresh paint, if not the elaborate decor, when Baby arrives.
All told, things are working out right now. *wry smile* Damn hormones. I told you it's just a swing right now!
Since we had done a fair pickup last night, I knocked out the first floor cleaning...swept, washed, and vacuumed the floors. Beloved got the trash out. Almost half the household chores are DONE and it's only Tuesday. That puts a content smile on my face.
We interviewed a cleaning lady for after Baby arrives. It's just a once-a-month deal for about six months, but she'll be able to do a deep clean so that I can do maintenance cleaning without stressing too much. I don't know about her cleaning, but she seems to be a kindred spirit...and has a gamer husband and a 4-year old boy. *grin* We might end up with a friendship as well as a clean house.
I am (finally) dropping Beloved's car off to get the body work done. Our deductible is $500, and I've actually got the funds at the moment. Some friends are lending us one of their cars so I won't have to worry about doctor appointments and being tied to the house with Boy on the nice days.
I think I have an idea for the birth announcements, so I might start playing around with that. I also have an idea for the kids' room decor, but I suspect it's too ambitious for me to pull off right now. The roommates are moving this weekend, so at the very least I'll have the walls repaired and fresh paint, if not the elaborate decor, when Baby arrives.
All told, things are working out right now. *wry smile* Damn hormones. I told you it's just a swing right now!
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Forty-five days...eighty-seven days
I'm up at 4 am with rolling nausea. I've taken two zofran tablets since going to bed, and I just can't seem to kick the YUCK. I haven't actually thrown up in a few days, but in some ways this is worse. I'm so tired of this...45 days to go.
As the count gets shorter, there are lots of BABY/MOMMY thoughts going on. What to do for baby birth announcements (I handmade Boy's), who to pick for godparents, what to do about the kids' room decor, interviewing potentials for house cleaning.
There's also been a lot of poly stuff in my life this last week with the opportunities to do some public work.
But while I was lying in bed, trying to distract myself from my physical discomfort, it occurred to me there was pretty much ZERO D/s in my life right now. Just the other morning, I surprised Beloved by following him up on a hint...surprised, because he's "gotten the impression you weren't in the right space."
*sigh* No...I'm not in the right space. Not even a little bit. I *want* to be, but even reading sexy stuff helps, and Jean Auel wrote some fantastic sexy scenes in the Earth's Children series. Sexually...Baby is head down and in my pelvis already, so there's a constant ache and pressure; Baby is also running out of room inside, and I feel every wiggle and push at the constraining space; the nausea makes fellatio a battle of wills; my breasts are heavy and nipple stimulation is returning to the land of serious turn-off...not because they are sore but because that's for the baby; my body is stretched out and cumbersome.
I've offered blow jobs and never been turned down, but I feel awkward about Beloved's attentions. I think in the last two weeks, Beloved's made love with me once. Granted, it was a lot of fun and involved the pool table (*giggles*), but I'm pretty content with that. I feel a little bad about it, though.
I'm thinking about starting another countdown...87 days until "normal" sex resumes. I'm sure someone is scoffing right now. There's the sleep-deprivation and the demands of an infant and where to find the time. I know all that...I did all this just over two and a half years ago...but a gal can hope, right?
As the count gets shorter, there are lots of BABY/MOMMY thoughts going on. What to do for baby birth announcements (I handmade Boy's), who to pick for godparents, what to do about the kids' room decor, interviewing potentials for house cleaning.
There's also been a lot of poly stuff in my life this last week with the opportunities to do some public work.
But while I was lying in bed, trying to distract myself from my physical discomfort, it occurred to me there was pretty much ZERO D/s in my life right now. Just the other morning, I surprised Beloved by following him up on a hint...surprised, because he's "gotten the impression you weren't in the right space."
*sigh* No...I'm not in the right space. Not even a little bit. I *want* to be, but even reading sexy stuff helps, and Jean Auel wrote some fantastic sexy scenes in the Earth's Children series. Sexually...Baby is head down and in my pelvis already, so there's a constant ache and pressure; Baby is also running out of room inside, and I feel every wiggle and push at the constraining space; the nausea makes fellatio a battle of wills; my breasts are heavy and nipple stimulation is returning to the land of serious turn-off...not because they are sore but because that's for the baby; my body is stretched out and cumbersome.
I've offered blow jobs and never been turned down, but I feel awkward about Beloved's attentions. I think in the last two weeks, Beloved's made love with me once. Granted, it was a lot of fun and involved the pool table (*giggles*), but I'm pretty content with that. I feel a little bad about it, though.
I'm thinking about starting another countdown...87 days until "normal" sex resumes. I'm sure someone is scoffing right now. There's the sleep-deprivation and the demands of an infant and where to find the time. I know all that...I did all this just over two and a half years ago...but a gal can hope, right?
Friday, June 5, 2009
DD_ss Broadening D/s
Once upon a time in a land far away, there was a Dominant and a submissive who were happily married. For reasons of their own their D/s was never and could never be fully explored. One day the Dominant noticed that the intensity of his chosen one's submission rose whenever she observed a BDSM demo or spent time socializing at lifestyle events. This caused him to wonder if his sweet submissive was not getting the opportunity to fully realize and enjoy her submissiveness because of their circumstances.
Sitting under a Great Oak Tree one day while smoking a Fragrant Pipe (I threw that in for you, Allison) he pondered this dilemma. Then the answer came to him. Could he ensure her personal safety and retain her trust in himself and arrange an opportunity where she could experience her submissiveness to a greater depth with another Dominant?
If this fairy tale was yours, what would you do?
*soft sigh* This little fairy tale is waaaaay to familiar, although it was MY idea to explore D/s with another Dominant. It didn't work out so well...
As a Dominant, would you have reservations in participating in such a limited fashion? As a submissive what would your reaction be if your Master suggested this to you?
I have long fantasized about being given to another...whether it was Master's guest whom he wanted me to please for an evening, training, or simply another experience to deepen my submission. Although Beloved has “offered” me to another person, it was someone I was already familiar with. If Beloved were to suggest this on his own??? If he found someone and simply handed me off without my input??? I don't know.
Who would most likely be attracted to such a scenario - a knowledgeable and experienced Dominant, a player or someone with a completely untrustworthy agenda? How would you go about finding the right person to trust with your beloved submissive?
I'd guess there would be a LOT of players or untrustworthy characters, and that the right Dominant would be a needle in a haystack, but that some carefully considered questions and explained expectations would help. *shrug* Kinda like being poly...insisting that all parties meet in person tends to freak a lot of the wannabies out.
Would there be any limitations on the Dominant's contact with your submissive?
Beloved has placed limitations on my play with others for a variety of reasons. No marks (his personal preference), no fluid bonding, detailed accounts of my time from the other man's perspective... It's depended on where we were in our relationships and what Beloved was curious about at the time.
Sitting under a Great Oak Tree one day while smoking a Fragrant Pipe (I threw that in for you, Allison) he pondered this dilemma. Then the answer came to him. Could he ensure her personal safety and retain her trust in himself and arrange an opportunity where she could experience her submissiveness to a greater depth with another Dominant?
If this fairy tale was yours, what would you do?
*soft sigh* This little fairy tale is waaaaay to familiar, although it was MY idea to explore D/s with another Dominant. It didn't work out so well...
As a Dominant, would you have reservations in participating in such a limited fashion? As a submissive what would your reaction be if your Master suggested this to you?
I have long fantasized about being given to another...whether it was Master's guest whom he wanted me to please for an evening, training, or simply another experience to deepen my submission. Although Beloved has “offered” me to another person, it was someone I was already familiar with. If Beloved were to suggest this on his own??? If he found someone and simply handed me off without my input??? I don't know.
Who would most likely be attracted to such a scenario - a knowledgeable and experienced Dominant, a player or someone with a completely untrustworthy agenda? How would you go about finding the right person to trust with your beloved submissive?
I'd guess there would be a LOT of players or untrustworthy characters, and that the right Dominant would be a needle in a haystack, but that some carefully considered questions and explained expectations would help. *shrug* Kinda like being poly...insisting that all parties meet in person tends to freak a lot of the wannabies out.
Would there be any limitations on the Dominant's contact with your submissive?
Beloved has placed limitations on my play with others for a variety of reasons. No marks (his personal preference), no fluid bonding, detailed accounts of my time from the other man's perspective... It's depended on where we were in our relationships and what Beloved was curious about at the time.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Swing low....
My moods have been all over the place lately. I want to blame the pregnancy and lack of sleep...who knows, that might even be legitimate! Today I'm feeling low.
* A story in the Chicago Tribune highlighted "pregorexia".I sympathize with the concept, am mad about being accused of having that instead of hyperemesis, and am really struggling with my own body image. Last pregnancy I struggled so hard to eat...but I WAS skinny and didn't have so much jiggle. This time...hell, I KNOW I'm healthier...but I hate my body right now. It doesn't help that Beloved is looking better and better and today teasingly suggested I see how Baby liked the elliptical...
* I'm not feeling good today. I've taken two Zofran tabs already, so I haven't thrown up, but I am nauseous and uncomfortable.
* In two days, I got contacted about being involved with polyamory stories TWICE...by the Discovery Channel's program and by the Chicago Tribune. *I* want to respond...*I* want to be involved...but it isn't about *ME* and everyone else has very good points about why it's not such a good idea to be OUT.
* I don't know how to answer Sir's question about friendship. I don't know how to respond to a different man's invite to go on a date. I'm back to wondering why the hell I want something so complicated and being angry about how lonely and confused I feel.
* My feelings about being caught up on the house have sunk and I'm feeling like I can't get anything done. I feel so dependent on everyone else, and then I feel guilty for accepting help.
Basically, I'm mourning my place in life. I'm feeling very trapped and constrained...by my body, by my family, by the prejudices of society. I know there isn't much logic to it, I recognize the up and down swings of hormones. I just wish I had the luxury of letting myself sink into my depression and just sleep...
* A story in the Chicago Tribune highlighted "pregorexia".I sympathize with the concept, am mad about being accused of having that instead of hyperemesis, and am really struggling with my own body image. Last pregnancy I struggled so hard to eat...but I WAS skinny and didn't have so much jiggle. This time...hell, I KNOW I'm healthier...but I hate my body right now. It doesn't help that Beloved is looking better and better and today teasingly suggested I see how Baby liked the elliptical...
* I'm not feeling good today. I've taken two Zofran tabs already, so I haven't thrown up, but I am nauseous and uncomfortable.
* In two days, I got contacted about being involved with polyamory stories TWICE...by the Discovery Channel's program and by the Chicago Tribune. *I* want to respond...*I* want to be involved...but it isn't about *ME* and everyone else has very good points about why it's not such a good idea to be OUT.
* I don't know how to answer Sir's question about friendship. I don't know how to respond to a different man's invite to go on a date. I'm back to wondering why the hell I want something so complicated and being angry about how lonely and confused I feel.
* My feelings about being caught up on the house have sunk and I'm feeling like I can't get anything done. I feel so dependent on everyone else, and then I feel guilty for accepting help.
Basically, I'm mourning my place in life. I'm feeling very trapped and constrained...by my body, by my family, by the prejudices of society. I know there isn't much logic to it, I recognize the up and down swings of hormones. I just wish I had the luxury of letting myself sink into my depression and just sleep...
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Cold splash of reality...and confessions of a pixie
This started out as a very different post. It started out as more of a daydream. Subbybunny sent me a link yesterday, and on a whim, I contacted the person doing the casting call. She actually called me back and did a 35 minute interview with me. It got me all excited about all kinds of things...even if we weren't the ideal poly family, just being considered is pretty cool...
*splash*
Beloved and I aren't out to the world. We haven't gone out of our way to HIDE our poly relationships, but neither have we waved flags and twirled batons. And the more I talked to partners, the more reality intruded. What would we say to Grandad and Grandma in Ohio who are a Presbyterian minister and wife in their 80's? Beloved's girlfriend isn't OUT, neither is Halder (former lover and current roommate). Worse, I was just removed from a local "family-orientated" group because I listed a poly group among my various memberships...what if the repercussions were more drastic?
*sigh*
So, I figure I'll compose an e-mail to Ms. Dosedel tomorrow thanking her for her time and declining further consideration.
But I can't say there isn't some bitter disappointment. I poked at that while I was in the shower this evening. What was it, REALLY? I'm less happy with my conclusion...
Before I became a mother, I played on the national level. In college, I got state recognition for my work in campus recycling, and I lead the team that earned a national award for residence hall leadership. From there, I went into a career doing things that got national recognition. No, I wasn't a VIP per se, but in a small way, I contributed to the cacophony of national debates. My arguments were published in newspapers, reports I worked on and designed were read nationwide. I had luncheons with US Senators, and was offered a job on Capitol Hill. I was "important".
I miss it.
When I confessed this, Beloved pressed his forehead against mine. "I can't express how important you are to me, and I understand that means dick right now...."
*sigh* The glitz and glam of politics is heady stuff, and I'm still lured by it two years after getting out completely. Sometimes I resent the way things have gone. I never imagined a life as a stay-at-home mom. Hell, I never imagined life as a mom until about a month before I conceived in 2006! And yet, here I am.
Beloved and my children are my world right now. I love them and am spoiled in the life I am living. I am surrounded by friends and family, have two very successful social groups, and am "important" in ways that really ARE important.
Kinda breathtaking when I stop and think about it. I guess I can admit that the idea of being idolized on national television sounds like fun, but there is a reason I was glad to be out of the public scene in the first place. It isn't worth the price of admission...wasn't then and isn't now.
*splash*
Beloved and I aren't out to the world. We haven't gone out of our way to HIDE our poly relationships, but neither have we waved flags and twirled batons. And the more I talked to partners, the more reality intruded. What would we say to Grandad and Grandma in Ohio who are a Presbyterian minister and wife in their 80's? Beloved's girlfriend isn't OUT, neither is Halder (former lover and current roommate). Worse, I was just removed from a local "family-orientated" group because I listed a poly group among my various memberships...what if the repercussions were more drastic?
*sigh*
So, I figure I'll compose an e-mail to Ms. Dosedel tomorrow thanking her for her time and declining further consideration.
But I can't say there isn't some bitter disappointment. I poked at that while I was in the shower this evening. What was it, REALLY? I'm less happy with my conclusion...
Before I became a mother, I played on the national level. In college, I got state recognition for my work in campus recycling, and I lead the team that earned a national award for residence hall leadership. From there, I went into a career doing things that got national recognition. No, I wasn't a VIP per se, but in a small way, I contributed to the cacophony of national debates. My arguments were published in newspapers, reports I worked on and designed were read nationwide. I had luncheons with US Senators, and was offered a job on Capitol Hill. I was "important".
I miss it.
When I confessed this, Beloved pressed his forehead against mine. "I can't express how important you are to me, and I understand that means dick right now...."
*sigh* The glitz and glam of politics is heady stuff, and I'm still lured by it two years after getting out completely. Sometimes I resent the way things have gone. I never imagined a life as a stay-at-home mom. Hell, I never imagined life as a mom until about a month before I conceived in 2006! And yet, here I am.
Beloved and my children are my world right now. I love them and am spoiled in the life I am living. I am surrounded by friends and family, have two very successful social groups, and am "important" in ways that really ARE important.
Kinda breathtaking when I stop and think about it. I guess I can admit that the idea of being idolized on national television sounds like fun, but there is a reason I was glad to be out of the public scene in the first place. It isn't worth the price of admission...wasn't then and isn't now.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Random bits of happiness
* Boy brought me playdough and asked me to make a ball...I did a sloppy job and handed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back. "That not a ball, that is egg!" How's that for too cute and too smart?
* Baby is doing well...4 pounds, 12 oz, has a full head of hair, and absolutely refused to give a profile view to the camera, so no new pictures. But otherwise, everything looks great.
* Beloved is making slow but steady progress on his workouts. While he hasn't really lost any weight, he has lost about an inch all the way around (chest, gut, arms, legs). Go go go!!! He seems serious about getting back into the volleyball games this summer, too. *wry smile* I'm going to have some stiff expectations once Baby comes to get the weight off (I've only gained about 20 pounds all pregnancy and am only 8 pound heavier then when I got pregnant, but I wanted to lose some before, so.....)
* I scored a bunkbed set for $7 and a free mattress for Boy! I'm still looking for a dresser that will work in the space, but I'm beginning to get an idea for how the new KIDS' room will look.
* My da sent me a wonderful birthday card...it read "Your free spirit is such a part of you. It's just one more reason to be proud of you." Now, he is blissfully ignorant about the D/s or the poly or any of my alternative lifestyle choices, but his card really touched me.
* Some wonderful friends have offered to lend me their car while I get the repairs done on ours, so I won't be stuck home with a hyper two-year-old.
* I'm tired, but whatever hit me so hard last week seems to have disappeared completely.
* My hair is long enough (already) to pull into a ponytail! Yes, it looks a little silly, but I can get it off my neck again!
* Baby is doing well...4 pounds, 12 oz, has a full head of hair, and absolutely refused to give a profile view to the camera, so no new pictures. But otherwise, everything looks great.
* Beloved is making slow but steady progress on his workouts. While he hasn't really lost any weight, he has lost about an inch all the way around (chest, gut, arms, legs). Go go go!!! He seems serious about getting back into the volleyball games this summer, too. *wry smile* I'm going to have some stiff expectations once Baby comes to get the weight off (I've only gained about 20 pounds all pregnancy and am only 8 pound heavier then when I got pregnant, but I wanted to lose some before, so.....)
* I scored a bunkbed set for $7 and a free mattress for Boy! I'm still looking for a dresser that will work in the space, but I'm beginning to get an idea for how the new KIDS' room will look.
* My da sent me a wonderful birthday card...it read "Your free spirit is such a part of you. It's just one more reason to be proud of you." Now, he is blissfully ignorant about the D/s or the poly or any of my alternative lifestyle choices, but his card really touched me.
* Some wonderful friends have offered to lend me their car while I get the repairs done on ours, so I won't be stuck home with a hyper two-year-old.
* I'm tired, but whatever hit me so hard last week seems to have disappeared completely.
* My hair is long enough (already) to pull into a ponytail! Yes, it looks a little silly, but I can get it off my neck again!
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