The ablation apparently went well...the poor anestesiologist had a terriible time finding a vein...it took four attempts and two of those resulted in perforations and I'm black and blue...but once that was done, I was gone before the doctor returned. The afternoon had some rough bits as I came down from the drugs. The "simple" solution was to throw up (after two hyperemesis pregnacies, I'd MUCH rather throw up than be nauseous!) And a HOT shower to raise my body temperature. Once accomplished, I was able to sleep well through the afternoon.
I got up and took some ibprofen, ate some high-calorie easy food, and am tucked back into bed. I have been ensconced at Rain's house...no children, no computes, none of my usual distractions...so I can foruse on healing, sleeping, and quiet.
Anyone trying to get in touch with me...it appears that text messages are highly delayed. With NATO in Chicago, I wouldn't be surprise if the Chicagoland networks are overloaded and monitored. Don't freak if I am hard to get a hold of.
Friday, May 18, 2012
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Let's go for another ride!
There is an ache when I see something that I identify with too much. Perhaps it is because it chips away at the illusion that I am someone unique, someone special. YesterDAY was probably on of the best days I have had in weeks. I decided on and registered for something amazing for Girl's third birthday. I don't imagine she will have complete memories of it, but it fulfills a fantasy *I* have held since my own childhood. At the moment, I feel like I could dance. This...THIS is what I begged for in those dreadful weeks of my first pregnancy. The taste of magic. The realization that the magic is real and can flow through me, effortlessly.
From there, I shut down the computer. The electronics have been a stone in my shoe...blistering and crippling. Instead, I went through the summer wardrobe, cleared out the winter stuff (at last!), and even put some things aside for my ablation-healing and camp.
When Girl was bored with her bath, we went outside. We blew some bubbles and I cut down the broken lupus stalks and the lemon balm. There are three bundles of it drying on the porch. I was considering doing the same with the sage when Girl asked about taking a walk.
We scooped up some books to return to the library, and then played for about 20 minutes at the swimming stones before dropping by The Mill. I don't know how long he's been at it, but HBY inherited the place and has done a painstaking job with the restoration. The front is commercial, but the back and the upstairs are residential...designed for one resident in particular. And it is amazing. From the display shelves for his collection of "toys" to the split bathroom with slate tiling (damn it, I am back to being grumpy we couldn't afford slate for the Master Bath) to the exposed copper water pipes, to the kitchen concept, to the glorious ceiling in the Great Room... I have a serious case of house-envy! It is positively glorious!
We chatted a bit and teased about how I am going to have to be the one who packs for my ablation-healing...otherwise, I'm sure to end up with no unders and lots of sheer clothes. Girl refused a ride home, so we hurried as far as the China Hut and ordered some bubble tea to slurp on the rush home to get in the car to get to school to pick Boy up.
He was a little reluctant until I told him we were coming back for the play. We wandered around FiveBelow looking for suitable congratulations for the actors...all we found were goggles that will hopefully be better than the crappy ones I tossed in the Easter baskets and a prize for BaconFest (yes, I DO start this early on such things). We got back to school and thoroughly enjoyed the "green eggs" cookies and playing in the park.
I braved Chuck E. Cheese for dinner. *deep breaths* Beloved told me next time I should take ear plugs as well as the tokens. I swear my ears get more and more sensitive...
The evening presented a little hitch that was designed to rattle me. Clever, but the brain behind the ploy didn't take into account that I have friends in many places. *shrug* The report back was "markedly unfounded". Go suck on a shoe.
Still, I decided on a bath to unwind and made a fatal mistake; I picked up the third book...The MockingJay.
Beloved said the book was hard, and it was. I got completely lost in the trudge through the Capitol, much in the same way much in the same way I can only take so much catastrophic drama in movies before I lose interest and end up scanning to see when the horror ends and the story resumes. It was the epilogue that was my undoing. Those two pages weren't written about some fictional character...they were ME, in black and white, in someone else's language.
"One day I'll have to explain about my nightmares. Why they came. Why they won't ever really go away. I'll tell them how I survived it. I'll tell them that on bad mornings, it feels impossible to take pleasure in anything because I'm afraid it could be taken away."
I cried...not for the character, but for myself. Because one day...right now...I am struggling to make sense of my own horrors and losses and resentments and insecurities. I am doing Very Big Work, and the core reasons were summed up in that last sentence. *winces* That chip in the armor...partly that I'm not unique, partly because so many other people are trapped in their own stories and probably identify with it as closely as I do. I wish I had enough magic to wave a wand..
*sigh* The ablation is tomorrow. In fact, 24 hours from this posting, it will be DONE. *deep breaths* I think I would choose a 10 minute roller coaster ride on the world's worst roller coast than this stupid 10 minute medical procedure. Any medical procedure. Voluntarily getting my innards microwaved and having meds for expected nausea and muscle cramps just isn't my idea of a relaxing time. The ONLY saving graces right now is that I am familiar with twilight and I actually like this doctor. *deep breaths* Like I said, 24 hours and it will be over. I'll be tucked into bed AND I have a free pass to do absolutely nothing all weekend except sleep. That...well, yeah, that's pretty sweet.
From there, I shut down the computer. The electronics have been a stone in my shoe...blistering and crippling. Instead, I went through the summer wardrobe, cleared out the winter stuff (at last!), and even put some things aside for my ablation-healing and camp.
When Girl was bored with her bath, we went outside. We blew some bubbles and I cut down the broken lupus stalks and the lemon balm. There are three bundles of it drying on the porch. I was considering doing the same with the sage when Girl asked about taking a walk.
We scooped up some books to return to the library, and then played for about 20 minutes at the swimming stones before dropping by The Mill. I don't know how long he's been at it, but HBY inherited the place and has done a painstaking job with the restoration. The front is commercial, but the back and the upstairs are residential...designed for one resident in particular. And it is amazing. From the display shelves for his collection of "toys" to the split bathroom with slate tiling (damn it, I am back to being grumpy we couldn't afford slate for the Master Bath) to the exposed copper water pipes, to the kitchen concept, to the glorious ceiling in the Great Room... I have a serious case of house-envy! It is positively glorious!
We chatted a bit and teased about how I am going to have to be the one who packs for my ablation-healing...otherwise, I'm sure to end up with no unders and lots of sheer clothes. Girl refused a ride home, so we hurried as far as the China Hut and ordered some bubble tea to slurp on the rush home to get in the car to get to school to pick Boy up.
He was a little reluctant until I told him we were coming back for the play. We wandered around FiveBelow looking for suitable congratulations for the actors...all we found were goggles that will hopefully be better than the crappy ones I tossed in the Easter baskets and a prize for BaconFest (yes, I DO start this early on such things). We got back to school and thoroughly enjoyed the "green eggs" cookies and playing in the park.
I braved Chuck E. Cheese for dinner. *deep breaths* Beloved told me next time I should take ear plugs as well as the tokens. I swear my ears get more and more sensitive...
The evening presented a little hitch that was designed to rattle me. Clever, but the brain behind the ploy didn't take into account that I have friends in many places. *shrug* The report back was "markedly unfounded". Go suck on a shoe.
Still, I decided on a bath to unwind and made a fatal mistake; I picked up the third book...The MockingJay.
Beloved said the book was hard, and it was. I got completely lost in the trudge through the Capitol, much in the same way much in the same way I can only take so much catastrophic drama in movies before I lose interest and end up scanning to see when the horror ends and the story resumes. It was the epilogue that was my undoing. Those two pages weren't written about some fictional character...they were ME, in black and white, in someone else's language.
"One day I'll have to explain about my nightmares. Why they came. Why they won't ever really go away. I'll tell them how I survived it. I'll tell them that on bad mornings, it feels impossible to take pleasure in anything because I'm afraid it could be taken away."
I cried...not for the character, but for myself. Because one day...right now...I am struggling to make sense of my own horrors and losses and resentments and insecurities. I am doing Very Big Work, and the core reasons were summed up in that last sentence. *winces* That chip in the armor...partly that I'm not unique, partly because so many other people are trapped in their own stories and probably identify with it as closely as I do. I wish I had enough magic to wave a wand..
*sigh* The ablation is tomorrow. In fact, 24 hours from this posting, it will be DONE. *deep breaths* I think I would choose a 10 minute roller coaster ride on the world's worst roller coast than this stupid 10 minute medical procedure. Any medical procedure. Voluntarily getting my innards microwaved and having meds for expected nausea and muscle cramps just isn't my idea of a relaxing time. The ONLY saving graces right now is that I am familiar with twilight and I actually like this doctor. *deep breaths* Like I said, 24 hours and it will be over. I'll be tucked into bed AND I have a free pass to do absolutely nothing all weekend except sleep. That...well, yeah, that's pretty sweet.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
stop struggling
Talina{ZAR} is one of the amazing people I met at SJW. I think I have a little bit of hero-worship because she is "proof" that my former roommate had ZERO clue about the Gorean world. Thank god! If J had a clue about anything, I think the world might collapse.
Anyway, Talina posted a journal entry that speaks to me a lot (although I don't know I'm cut for the slave label yet). The highlighted bits are my own emphasis.
Anyway, Talina posted a journal entry that speaks to me a lot (although I don't know I'm cut for the slave label yet). The highlighted bits are my own emphasis.
Your identity will, by definition, change as your ideas of who you are change. You are in the process of acknowledging parts of yourself that you have hidden for years, and that automatically means that your identity is shifting. This has probably happened to you many times in your life, and you probably didn’t fight it before, because it seemed natural. After all, if you’re not a different person at age 45 than you were at age 25, you’ve missed some incredible opportunities!
So, why is it so uncomfortable to contemplate developing a slave identity? The fact that you can’t envision the endpoint. And that’s good! That means what you are becoming is so fantastic, your imagination can’t even define it.
As far as your Owner remaking you – just not possible. I know, I know, FetLifers talk about how their Owners formed them….yada yada yada. Not true. What happens is that WE CHOOSE how we’re going to change. The most our Owners can do is provide the catalyst for us to desire the change, as well as some direction on how they would prefer the change to go. From there, it’s all about us and our choices. Please stop thinking of yourself as some helpless victim who is going to be irrevocably changed against his will by some Owner who is going to abuse the privilege. Again, not gonna happen, dude.
When you relax and simply realize that the slave has always been inside you, and is simply asking for a little time-share with the outer world, you’ll laugh at how silly you were to struggle so hard. Let your inner slave have a chance, why don’t ya! He’s been hidden for years, and just wants a chance for expression, like all the other aspects of who you are.
Okay, so I know this message is a bit rough. It’s clear, straight talk with no fluffy filler. If you don’t like that kinda talk, let me know now, so I can be more gentle in the future. Otherwise, you’re gonna get more of this stuff later. smile
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Damn it, I hate roller coasters.
*sigh* It sure has been a rough couple of days. Last night, I gave Beloved the example of marbles. Pretty, shiny marbles are fun and easy to pick up. I have my hands full of marbles right now, each one representing a different responsibility or upcoming obstacle (real or perceived): Boy, Girl, chores, ablation, Tryst, major poly-life adjustments, the garden, my work on self-discovery and identifying needs/wants/desires, rebooting drum circle, school/work/future, withdrawal.
My hands are only so big. The more marbles I try to hold, the more I become afraid of dropping one. If I drop a marble while looking at one of the other ones, how do I pick it up without risking dropping more? I am frozen. I can't enjoy any individual marble, and I can't hold on to all of them at once.
Still, I try. hahaha. I'm not human, I'm pixie! I can do it! Watch!
One of the blemishes on the Tryst marble has been potential interactions with an "ex" at Twisted Tryst. I have been worrying about this pretty much since our paths crossed at a poly event back in March. I attempted to be kind and civil, but that didn't seem replicated, by her specifically. I am very good at spinning fears in my head, so in a moment of clarity, I stopped and decided just ask if I was imagining the worst. Apparently I was not.
The last response I got was
I have spent the last couple of hours doing an excelled version of the five stages of grief. I have come to a place of acceptance with this drama. Re-reading my initial response this morning, I think addressing another e-mail to them would be like rubbing salt in the wounds. At the same time, I am trying for transparency and I need to share.
My intentions response
*deep breaths* I am trying to do some Very Big Works in the area of self, but the progress is agonizingly slow. Beloved has talked about context switching at work...the problem when you are deep in coding and someone jolts you out of the thought-process with a completely unrelated issue and the time it steals from productivity because of how long it takes to get back into your groove. I deal with context switching interruptions every 20 minutes (the length of a Go, Diego GO! episode). My head hurts, my body is tense, and It seems to me that the roller coaster of the Universe is doing all it can to make me lose my marbles.
My hands are only so big. The more marbles I try to hold, the more I become afraid of dropping one. If I drop a marble while looking at one of the other ones, how do I pick it up without risking dropping more? I am frozen. I can't enjoy any individual marble, and I can't hold on to all of them at once.
Still, I try. hahaha. I'm not human, I'm pixie! I can do it! Watch!
One of the blemishes on the Tryst marble has been potential interactions with an "ex" at Twisted Tryst. I have been worrying about this pretty much since our paths crossed at a poly event back in March. I attempted to be kind and civil, but that didn't seem replicated, by her specifically. I am very good at spinning fears in my head, so in a moment of clarity, I stopped and decided just ask if I was imagining the worst. Apparently I was not.
The last response I got was
I want to offer more clarification. The way things stand right now, you would not be welcome at any drum circle or event. [E]ncountering each other at Tryst will cause tension at the least.
I have spent the last couple of hours doing an excelled version of the five stages of grief. I have come to a place of acceptance with this drama. Re-reading my initial response this morning, I think addressing another e-mail to them would be like rubbing salt in the wounds. At the same time, I am trying for transparency and I need to share.
My intentions response
I do not appreciate the passive-aggressive threat that "encountering each other at Tryst will cause tension at the least." Even with 250 campers, I cannot promise that we will not encounter each other. The best I can offer is transparency in my intentions.
At Tryst, all events are open to everyone, including the drum circle. No one should feel unwelcome at ANYTHING sponsored by Tryst, ever. If individual campers want to do individual things at their own campsites, obviously they are free to do that and invite whomever they please.
I intend to bask in the company of my own tribe and the Tryst Tribe energy. I intend to relish my camp experiences. I intend to maintain a respectful distance, in mind if not in body. I intend to be at the Tryst drum circles.
*deep breaths* I am trying to do some Very Big Works in the area of self, but the progress is agonizingly slow. Beloved has talked about context switching at work...the problem when you are deep in coding and someone jolts you out of the thought-process with a completely unrelated issue and the time it steals from productivity because of how long it takes to get back into your groove. I deal with context switching interruptions every 20 minutes (the length of a Go, Diego GO! episode). My head hurts, my body is tense, and It seems to me that the roller coaster of the Universe is doing all it can to make me lose my marbles.
Monday, May 14, 2012
Life can be like a roller coaster...
I'm not going to get into it...just accept the summary that yesterday was a *BAAAAD* day in my little world. That said, you can forget Six Flags...I am the ultimate roller coaster! *sigh*
Thank you to those who confirmed that it's springtime and busy and not that I'm doing something wrong with Blogger in regards to the comments! I really appreciate it! I've poked the admin folks with my complaint, but at least for now I know I can force the issue.
In the middle of the middle of the meltdowns, a friend of mine wrote that, "I'd like to be my own friend, I really would."
geez...I'm laughing and crying trying to verbalize my response to that simple thought. There's a gut-wrenching honesty in it that I recognize as something I need to work on, too. When I went looking for a life-as-roller-coaster quote this morning, I found this:
When you are strong enough to love yourself....that is a WOW thought in my present existence. I spent plenty of time yesterday indulging in self-pity and feeling very much like a selfish bitch. I know how much is done for me. What more can I possibly ask for? REALLY? What the hell do I need to be happy? You all give so damn much and I am embarrassed and ashamed that I don't know what I can give in return...can't imagine or understand why you all put up with me...
Fold in highlights of silly conversations and pleasure of connecting with others of "my kind" (and being told to "tell Sunshine I said....penis" was a hilarious highlight in my day), and sheer abandon and confidence I had Saturday night... yeah. It's been a ride the last 48 hours.
I can't think beyond June 10th, but the next three weeks have an awful lot going on that perhaps I haven't given enough credit to the import it has. The ablation, only 4 days way, is looming up the way the real monster appears in movies...you think it's a tiny, squashable nuisance, and the closer you get, the more you are looking UP and thinking, oh crap....
I am worried that I have bitten off more than I can chew with my garden this spring. I got so excited with how awesome things were coming in that I got ambitious. I have some HUGE work ahead, and I'm freezing up and getting annoyed with just thinking about it.
My birthday bash...scamming people to go to Rocky Horror with me...and not being as confident that this is the hilarity I first thought it would be. I'm sure it will be great...I just need to beef up on the mantra that THIS IS ME DAMN IT! No apology, no excuse.
Tryst. Oh gods...Twisted Tryst is an unknown, and that always fucks with me. I'll get to see Sir, although he's promised to make me squirm despite (or perhaps BECAUSE) I'm not doing the branding. I'm nervous about potential problems with DSG and AprilBlue, although camp is huge, because of the drumming. I don't want it to feel like a competition ("Drum with me." "No, come drum with ME!" childish kid-crap) but I am afraid of feeling very unwelcome trying to drum with them...at least I have owned up and asked directly on that one...
That ends June 10th. The rest of the summer is in a nebulous "later" in my mind. So much in my life right now is falling into that space...I can't do that NOW...maybe "later". It is making my heart hurt.
Thank you to those who confirmed that it's springtime and busy and not that I'm doing something wrong with Blogger in regards to the comments! I really appreciate it! I've poked the admin folks with my complaint, but at least for now I know I can force the issue.
In the middle of the middle of the meltdowns, a friend of mine wrote that, "I'd like to be my own friend, I really would."
geez...I'm laughing and crying trying to verbalize my response to that simple thought. There's a gut-wrenching honesty in it that I recognize as something I need to work on, too. When I went looking for a life-as-roller-coaster quote this morning, I found this:
“There comes a time when you have to stand up and shout: This is me damn it! I look the way I look, think the way I think, feel the way I feel, love the way I love! I am a whole complex package. Take me... or leave me. Accept me - or walk away! Do not try to make me feel like less of a person, just because I don't fit your idea of who I should be and don't try to change me to fit your mold. If I need to change, I alone will make that decision.
When you are strong enough to love yourself 100%, good and bad - you will be amazed at the opportunities that life presents you.” ~Stacey Charter
When you are strong enough to love yourself....that is a WOW thought in my present existence. I spent plenty of time yesterday indulging in self-pity and feeling very much like a selfish bitch. I know how much is done for me. What more can I possibly ask for? REALLY? What the hell do I need to be happy? You all give so damn much and I am embarrassed and ashamed that I don't know what I can give in return...can't imagine or understand why you all put up with me...
Fold in highlights of silly conversations and pleasure of connecting with others of "my kind" (and being told to "tell Sunshine I said....penis" was a hilarious highlight in my day), and sheer abandon and confidence I had Saturday night... yeah. It's been a ride the last 48 hours.
I can't think beyond June 10th, but the next three weeks have an awful lot going on that perhaps I haven't given enough credit to the import it has. The ablation, only 4 days way, is looming up the way the real monster appears in movies...you think it's a tiny, squashable nuisance, and the closer you get, the more you are looking UP and thinking, oh crap....
I am worried that I have bitten off more than I can chew with my garden this spring. I got so excited with how awesome things were coming in that I got ambitious. I have some HUGE work ahead, and I'm freezing up and getting annoyed with just thinking about it.
My birthday bash...scamming people to go to Rocky Horror with me...and not being as confident that this is the hilarity I first thought it would be. I'm sure it will be great...I just need to beef up on the mantra that THIS IS ME DAMN IT! No apology, no excuse.
Tryst. Oh gods...Twisted Tryst is an unknown, and that always fucks with me. I'll get to see Sir, although he's promised to make me squirm despite (or perhaps BECAUSE) I'm not doing the branding. I'm nervous about potential problems with DSG and AprilBlue, although camp is huge, because of the drumming. I don't want it to feel like a competition ("Drum with me." "No, come drum with ME!" childish kid-crap) but I am afraid of feeling very unwelcome trying to drum with them...at least I have owned up and asked directly on that one...
That ends June 10th. The rest of the summer is in a nebulous "later" in my mind. So much in my life right now is falling into that space...I can't do that NOW...maybe "later". It is making my heart hurt.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
commenting problems??? PLEASE RESPOND!!!
I was recently informed that "I wanted to drop you a comment there, but there's not commenting feature." *cocks head* I've been a little curious about the silence from readers, but life gets busy and all that jazz. Or maybe I haven't been interesting enough. Whatever. But now, I'm curious? Can you comment on this page? Drop an anonymous "yes" if you want, but please make a comment if you can!
I know that the blog-wide options have not been friendly with me lately, but I have tried to make sure that individual posts allow comments. I'm trying to get help on that.
It's also possible that the commenting feature is less than self-evident. When I'm looking "anonymously", at the very bottom of a post, there is a link that (usually)says 0 comments. That is a link to allow you to comment. Click on that, and you'll get a new screen to comment.
I hope to hear from you, and thanks for helping out!
I know that the blog-wide options have not been friendly with me lately, but I have tried to make sure that individual posts allow comments. I'm trying to get help on that.
It's also possible that the commenting feature is less than self-evident. When I'm looking "anonymously", at the very bottom of a post, there is a link that (usually)says 0 comments. That is a link to allow you to comment. Click on that, and you'll get a new screen to comment.
I hope to hear from you, and thanks for helping out!
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