Sun, sun, go away...

The Midwest is being hit hard with drought and heat, and that has meant the kids and I have been hiding out at the pool, the library, and the family's been out to eat quite a bit this month. Anywhere there is AC.

There is a bit of a break in the weather today, though. Big storms last night and continued clouds today gave us a VERY comfortable high of 82F. If only it would last!

The other reason I haven't written in a week is that I'm working on the Joy Equation, but the next set of entries are based on listening to an audio file, and I haven't done that yet. *wry smile* I really wish there was a transcript and I could just read it. Oh well, I kinda get it.

I haven't been up to much other than hiding. Lots of swimming. Both Boy and Girl are doing really well. He's working on the front crawl and backstroke, she's nearly fearless in the water. Beloved and I have been catching a couple of boardgames in the evenings... *laughs* And holy hell has he been HORNY!!! Lots of sex, all rather vanilla, but still a major change up from the eight weeks after the ablation drought!

Mostly, though, things have been pretty good...pretty quiet. I wish I could add a regular nap to my day, but some things don't change. :P

Certain reoccurring conflicts?

Day 6 prompt:

What went well (no matter how large of small) in your day today? What didn't go so well?

Look back on your journaling from yesterday--can you find any of the same patterns in
your day between the things that went well and the things that didn't? Are there certain
conflicts in your life that are reoccurring? Is there anything you think you're missing in your current life?

Today, I was, for all practical purposes, on my own. Beloved got up with the kids, made an amazing breakfast for our friends, and I stepped out at about 10am to go to the Farmer's Market and the Louche Puce Market with HBY and SSQ. I got home about 11:30, just in time to give everyone hugs and see THEM out the door.

I spent the entire afternoon in silence, reading my book, doing laundry, and cleaning up my room. I am thrilled with where I got my room to! Everything is put away. I purged a little and have a bag for donations. I finished a re-read of a Mercedes Lackey book. I looked up class schedules and confirmed that I can talk to a program advisor on Monday. I took a bath. I did it all uninterrupted and in blissful silence.

Beloved came home with the kids at about 6:30pm and was utterly exhausted and in fact broke into tears himself. It was a stark reminder of how hard Wednesday has been for me.

*winces* Certain reoccurring conflicts? uh, yeah.

Beloved offered an observation that was a little chilling for me. The time of our relationship that we didn't want kids is much greater than the time of our relationship that we did want kids. I think that is the first time I have EVER heard him confess his frustrations so bluntly, and it hurt. I don't think that either Boy or Girl are particularly outrageous, but the normal abilities of a 5- and 3-year old to just run a body ragged are intense.

Things ARE changing. Kids grow up. Someday...maybe someday...we will actually miss this time. Being in the thick of it, though...it's real hard!

El Mundo Bueno

"...there is the Good Reality, or El Mundo Bueno, literally the Good World, and the Bad Reality, El Mundo Malo, and they were always vying with each other. In the Good Reality, you have a mild headache; in the Bad Reality, you have a fatal brain disease...We walk in the Good Reality as if we tread on the thin skin on warm milk. It is always possible to break through and drown."

"There is a hopeful side...Even in El Mundo Malo, the Good Reality is always just on the other side. If you can learn to reach and pull yourself through, you can make miracles."
~ StarHawk, Fifth Sacred Thing

Working through Day 5 of the Joy Equation, the prompt is:

What's the difference between the two memories you've written about the last two days? What was present in the first that was lacking in the second? What was prominent in the second that wasn't experienced in the first? What do these differences tell you about your preferences and comfort levels? Are you relying on others and outside forces to make you happy or sad? Any other insights?

*sigh* The prominent difference in my eyes is the kids' presence. It is damnably hard to love them and admit that I am not in love with motherhood. I managed to delve into this a little with my new counselor person on Friday.

In 2004, I was invited to work in emergent environmental policy in the US Senate in Barrack Obama's office. If I had followed that path, chances are I would be working in the US EPA today. When I fall into El Mundo Malo...my Bad Reality...the voice inside me reminds me THAT is what I gave up, and for what? To be stampeded whenever clean-up has to happen or it is time to leave? To be told every day how the kids hates me? To be reduced to nothing more than a housewife in suburbia?!

In El Mundo Bueno,I know it isn't fair to lay blame on any one decision, person, or exchange. I know that I have two awesome kids who tell me they love me (probably) as often as they tell me they hate me. I know that my experiences in politics were painfully slow and frustrating, and I find myself looking at the issues and not seeing much change for the eight years that have passed. I know that I have been amazingly lucky to have met people and explored lifestyle choices that probably wouldn't have ever happened if I wasn't a stay-at-home mom. The sting is still there, though.

My preference has never been for a life with children. I have children, however, and there is no simple change for that. I love them, for all that I yearn for something different, I DO love them. So...that preference is not a valid choice.

I do have some amazing changes on the horizon, though. Girl going to school in the fall means that I can look at my own classes. I am working on two different volunteer opportunities that will get me away from my domestic responsibilities and back into the world.

I have already, in one visit, gotten to a place with the new counselor where we can talk about building a positive, constructive internal locus of control. I am not there, but I am gathering tools and I am learning to pull through.

unhappy, frustrated or helpless

It's been a busy week, and I have fallen behind on my journaling. I suppose that just means that the "30 days" will be stretched out. *tired smile* It's kinda funny...today's prompt came with a little pep-talk. The subject line was "Is the Joy Equation stressing you out?"

Honestly? Yes, a little. I have two choices...quit, or pick it up where I left off. So, the prompt on Day 4 is:

Write about a specific experience in your life that made you feel unhappy, frustrated or helpless. Describe it in great detail: what did you feel, see, hear, smell, think, touch?

Wednesday, July 11th. It started out all right...The children and I went to the planetarium for the day. We actually looked at some of the exhibits before watching one of the sky shows, grabbed some food, and then played in the kids' section for about an hour. At 3 o'clock, we climbed back in the car to head to a park near my counselor's office...we were meeting Beloved so he could take over with the kids, I was going to an appointment, and then I was going to go to the RUAH center to volunteer for a few hours. It sounded like a great plan...

Traffic was awful, and the kids just kept picking at each other. I had to pull over to stop a fight, and I was getting a little hoarse from yelling over them. By the time I made it to the park, I was in tears and utterly exhausted. I had time to give Beloved a hug before rushing to my appointment. I washed my face before walking in, but there was just nothing good to say.

It started off badly...while still looking at her phone, the counselor asked, "How's it going?" Thirty minutes later, I'm still weepy and she's threatening to call an ambulance. I walked out, and I don't plan to EVER go back.

Those three hours...3pm-6pm...were absolute hell.

I hated the kids, I hated myself for hating the kids, I hated the counselor, I hated cell phones and text messages (oh, wow has that become a hot-button for me lately, not just in this instance!). I couldn't get past the moment and think of ANYTHING positive in my whole life. I most certainly wasn't about to go to a meditation center and try to volunteer! I got in my car and called and cancelled, feeling like a horrible person for the last minute thing. I sat for a moment, mentally running though where I might possibly run away to...

Instead I went home, got dinner on the table, and took a shower before Beloved arrived with the kids. I thought I had recovered pretty well and joined in for supper and bedtime routines. Unfortunately, Beloved chose to pick the afternoon apart and I quickly came unraveled. We went around for a few hours, each being very critical of the other.

Mostly, he hadn't realized that I already had sought out, followed up on, and gotten an appointment with someone new. I had that appointment on Friday, and it was radically different. He hadn't realized I had rescheduled my volunteer time instead of blowing it off. He expressed his frustration that I might have a "bad hour" that utterly destroys my entire life perspective. I accused him of always expecting me to fail...of wanting me to fail so he could rescue me. There was a lot I didn't feel he was giving me credit for.

Everything was still very tender when we finally went to sleep.

RUAH Joy

Write about a specific experience in your life that made you feel wonderful or joyous
or positively alive. Describe it in great detail: what did you feel, see, hear, smell, think, touch? Do you know why it made you feel so good?

Two weeks ago, I had a meetup. The group has to do with Byron Katie's work, and I have found The Work to be challenging in a good way. It wasn't the group that inspired the feelings, though. It was the place.

The center is a beautifully reclaimed space. I had the opportunity to speak with one of the directors about it a little. It was a foreclosure that was falling apart. Today, it is a respite of gardens, waterfalls, and a deep sense of spiritual peace. It is a physical manifestation of hope. They operate on donations and good will, and there is enough to keep the place improving. There are classes on meditation, reiki, and psychology. I felt so excited about the place, I couldn't wait to tell Beloved about it. The director says there is a space for volunteering, and I would like to do so...

But.

*sigh* It's been two weeks, and I haven't followed up. Why?

It is part of my own sabotage, I think. I have excuses, but the biggest is that I am scared of making a commitment, of dreaming a dream. So much of my present is stifled with not feeling well. I'm not sure exactly when it all started or how far back it goes. I want out, but I'm not sure which way to go.

The universe has one rule. that is to smile and say "Yes" to whatever you are thinking about. When you think about the things that make you happy, the universe smiles and says "Yes", and brings you more of what your focus is. When you think about the things that make you unhappy, the universe smiles and says "Yes", and brings you more of what your focus is. The universe loves you so much that it gives you this "free will" without judgement of how you use it.... ~Diane Klemz

I know this is true. I see it in myself, in others. I just...I am scared to break free again. Even with the Universe finally tossing me volunteer positions that I am pretty sure I would enjoy and grow into, I hesitate.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. ~ Marianne Williamson

I am going back to the center tonight for another meetup. Part of me wants to cringe, because I have done nothing to work towards getting involved. I want to scream at that voice. There are legitimate reasons, including being out of town and a doctor's appointment and antibiotics, that have gotten in the way. I am going tonight, and THAT can be another step. Tonight, I will ask for an actual date that I can come in and ask about what things need to be done.

Vision

Do you have a vision of success in your life, the story you tell yourself about your
most joyful, fulfilling future? What does it look like?

Reading this, I instantly freeze up. Once upon a time, I thought I knew the answer to this. I thought my goal was along a political path and that I was heading to the EPA. Now...I did work in the field and work in politics and my faith in the system is burnt. Many people have told me I should go back to that path, but I am not so sure about it anymore.

So, what replaces it?

I have talked about several ideas for what direction I might go. Right now, I can't find the post which detailed some of them, but of course that has changed many times in the last six years. Part of the problem is there are no clear choices. It's sort of a "If you could do ANYTHING...?" *sigh* Very scary.

What vision do I have NOW?

I have been enjoying my garden work. I have always wandered through people's gardens, even as a child. I have some knowledge about native species and am interested in wildcrafting. Walking though the woods, it's fun to point out the plants and trees that I do know, and I often impress the people I'm with.

Last night, in my spat with insomnia, I found a volunteer position that holds appeal:

To assist with the multi-faceted efforts of restoring, protecting and perpetuating native ecosystems consistent with the District’s natural areas management program. To share knowledge obtained with volunteers, staff and the public. Oversee the management of a local preserve site, working with the restoration staff to meet the goals listed in the annual management schedule. Schedule monthly workdays to help achieve those goals. Work with the Volunteer Coordinator to recruit volunteers for the site.

Local forest preserve. An opportunity to work in environmental spaces and toward improving the natural world for future generations. Sharing my knowledge about plants and leading workshops. Something I think I would find very fulfilling. For this particular position, I need to put in one to three years as an assistant, first. The assistant role asks for a 3 hour commitment weekly. I mentioned it to Beloved, and he says GO FOR IT!

I've also put in a contact to one of the local colleges about their horticulture degree. It's mid-summer, so that is slow going. I have hopes that I'll actually talk to the advisor sometime this week.

There's the beginning here. Not just words or ideas, but an actual program and job. Baby steps, but steps in the direction of a path.

Hiatus and Day One of the Joy Equation

A weekend away turned into a little bit more when the weather heated up. There is another heat watch today.

HBY showing off the thermometer readings

This is just the third time since records were kept that we've had three days in a row in the 100s. And we may hit the century mark again today. It's been bad enough that we broke down and put a window air conditioner unit in the kids room and have been camping on the floor. Rumor has it that we should break this afternoon, and the forecast puts us at 68F tonight.

Boy is out of camp this week and next, which has been a little trying. I was really hoping that an all-day camp with lots of sports and swimming would help, but it doesn't seem to have touched the negativity. It's not just me getting the unpleasant talk-back anymore, either, and Girl is starting to imitate him. I've picked up a book on raising boys to see if I can glean some wisdom there. It's so hard, though.

Perhaps the hardest part is I see so much of myself reflected in him. I'm suddenly cluing in on the feelings my mother might have had when she sent me to a counselor in fourth grade. Some of that I continue to struggle with today, and it is awful to think of Boy with my emotional imbalances. I wish to spare him that.

To that end, I have been delving into my own kinds of self-study. Reading and listening to materials from Byron Katie and Earl Nightingale. Talking to an advisor about a horticulture program. Talking to a therapist, although I am questioning if I am going to continue with her or if I should try someone else.

The theory is that if you do something every day for X number of days, you will form a new habit. It would be pretty cool if I could tackle my OWN negativity, so I thought I'd pick up a new journal challenge...this one about JOY. I landed on the Joy Equation page, and her enthusiasm for the work is such that she lets people set their own pricing. I figure a dollar a day...

The first prompt is:

Why am I investing in this course? What am I looking to get out of the next 30 days?
What specific feeling am I hoping to experience when I'm done?

At some level, I'm afraid that I have bought into the magic pill mythos. If I throw enough money at it, someone will just give me the answer. I am desperate enough to buy something like this. I'm not really happy about that answer. Maybe it's really that I have some small faith in doing this kind of work. I am looking to develop a new habit, to rekindle the joy and magic and sparkle that I once had. I want to work on my self-esteem and courage, and I am hopeful that this course, combined with other work I am doing, will help set me on a better path. When I am done with this course...by the end of the summer...I want to have a sense of hope.

Are you ready for the wild ride?