I'm not sure what came over me Thursday afternoon...it felt like something leeched every bit of energy from me. I don't mean tired...I mean I was scared by the exhaustion. It started to hit while Boy and I were driving, and even singing ABC's and his talking to me wasn't helping. I HAD to get home...but I was in such a fog...I couldn't get my phone to stay on long enough to make a phone call...it just shut off, despite the report that the battery was charged.
Somehow we made it. I literally crawled upstairs, got a movie started for Boy and collapsed. It was about 3 o'clock in the afternoon. I have vague memories of Boy telling me "Show all done, Momma..." but I couldn't move. Little angel that he is, he played with his blocks, read books, came in to prattle at me, but it seems he stayed upstairs the whole time.
Halder was the first to get home at about 5:30, and Boy told him, "Momma sick". I couldn't put two words together and it took real concentration to answer Yes/No questions. Did I need a doctor? No...just...Boy. Take Boy...
Beloved roused me more an hour later, checking me of fever. His cool hands felt so good, but I guess he didn't think I was feverish since he didn't ask me. I had to pee and pulled myself up, but a wave of dizziness and nausea hit as soon as I sat up. I sat there, fighting with my body for long minutes before I mastered the wave. Standing brought sharp pain through my legs, and I doubled over, clutching the bed. It past, and I managed the 10 feet or so to the bathroom, clutching the bed, the dresser, the wall...afraid to let go.
I managed to get back to bed, and lay there, trying to get past the fog in my head. It was going on 8 o'clock. A growing thought possessed me, and I lay perfect still. I couldn't remember feeling the baby move.
I willed my child to give me just a flutter...but it seemed like an eternity before my prayers were answered. It was just a slight shudder...as if the baby, too, were exhausted and leeched...but still alive. I decided to read a bit and concentrate more on movements. I don't really remember much of the story.
Beloved and Boy came in to say good night. Boy climbed up on the bed and pet my hair..."You okay, Momma?" He lay his cheek against mine. "Baby make you sick..." He pat my belly. "All better, Momma. You have good sleeps. I love you."
The child is two years old.
I had to fight my way to the bathroom again before Beloved came to bed about 10 o'clock. Beloved tried to convince me to eat something, but I vehemently declined. He gave me a sad, worried look, but didn't argue. When he lay down and turned off the lights, I'd already been laying there, sleeping mostly, for seven hours...I was sure sleep wouldn't come...but the next thing I knew, it was 4 in the morning. The fog had lifted and Baby was kicking. I had no trouble getting to the bathroom, although I fell back to sleep almost immediately.
When the Boy came padding in about 7:30 am, I felt almost normal. I had a headache, but I wasn't sick or fogged up anymore. We ate breakfast and saw Beloved off to work. I took it easy all day...Boy seems to understand, even, and only asked to go to the park once. He and I both ended up taking naps in the afternoon, and by after dinner, I felt fine. Baby seemed happier too...I've been kicked to kingdom come and was up until nearly dawn with the tap-dancing last night.
It was bizarre and scary, and I hope whatever it was, it never happens again.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Friday, May 29, 2009
Submissive v. Slave
Labels, labels, labels. It seems that one cannot escape the discussions about what label you claim and whether or not it is "correct". And gods help ye if ye trip up... *sigh*
Actually, this post comes to you complimentary of "Submissive Journal Prompts"
“Submissives need to be told what to do. Slaves do what they are told.”
The difference is both subtle and stark. By this particular definition, I guess I would qualify as a slave. I don't need to be told to do the dishes, clean the bathrooms, take care of the dozen little details in the course of the week. If Beloved decides something needs special attention, I attend to it promptly (although not always without dissenting comment).
We have actually tried the other route...my asking or him telling me what to do. It doesn't work out so well. He tires of the mundane chores quickly, and I get frustrated when directed to do only as I'm told because it would take a month to get through a week's worth of chores at that rate...
But this definition is extremely limited. I talked with Beloved a little about the quote, and he pointed out that self-control and self-discipline weren't mentioned...something that most submissives run away from.
er...run away from? I had to stop and think about that. It's not a complimentary thought. I wanted to reject the notion...after all, I just pointed out that I don't need to be told what to do...that I have the self-discipline to do what needs to be done.
But then I started thinking about why we began this venture two years ago...I was so self-disciplined that I lacked self-control. *sigh* Maybe Beloved has a point...?
I'd like to think that I have gained some self-control in the last two years. I'm better about speaking up and saying that I'm in trouble. But that is another limitation to the definition...it does not get into the mental mindset, and perhaps that is where more of my struggle lies. I am going to pull back, resent, and argue with confining directives. I am going to voice my opinions on the world. I am going to make certain decisions all on my own, and woe to those who oppose me.
*frowns* Not very submissive- OR slave-like...
Or does that matter?
I wish I didn't feel like I had to compete or explain who I am. I wander through the community and see all kinds of relationships, and I hold myself up for comparison. Am I submissive like her, slave like him? Do I serve Beloved better or worse than that individual serves their Owner? And I know it's not something only I do...there are arguments all the time about what a label means. I've struggled for months with my roommates because of such things. I've struggled with comments from Sir and Clockwerk because I haven't fit the expectations.
Or does that matter?
Beloved and I have a relationship that has grown and changed and evolved over the years. The last two years have included some of the more formal ideas of power exchange and D/s. We've checked out some of the local clubs, gotten involved with some of the community, read books. We've played around with labels and discovered limitations with just about every one.
Or does that matter?
When Beloved and I got our first apartment together, it was four years after we'd been officially married. Four YEARS. I was terrified that I'd discover I didn't like the guy who had been my husband for so long. One of the best pieces of advice I got was my aunt's comment that just because we lived together didn't mean we had to use the same brand of toothpaste. Funny how simple that was, but it made a huge difference. Similiarly, some of the best advice I've gotten in the lifestyle is that it doesn't matter what label I claim...what matters is that what we have works for us.
Submissive...Slave? Or does it matter?
"That which we call a rose. By any other name would smell as sweet."
Actually, this post comes to you complimentary of "Submissive Journal Prompts"
“Submissives need to be told what to do. Slaves do what they are told.”
The difference is both subtle and stark. By this particular definition, I guess I would qualify as a slave. I don't need to be told to do the dishes, clean the bathrooms, take care of the dozen little details in the course of the week. If Beloved decides something needs special attention, I attend to it promptly (although not always without dissenting comment).
We have actually tried the other route...my asking or him telling me what to do. It doesn't work out so well. He tires of the mundane chores quickly, and I get frustrated when directed to do only as I'm told because it would take a month to get through a week's worth of chores at that rate...
But this definition is extremely limited. I talked with Beloved a little about the quote, and he pointed out that self-control and self-discipline weren't mentioned...something that most submissives run away from.
er...run away from? I had to stop and think about that. It's not a complimentary thought. I wanted to reject the notion...after all, I just pointed out that I don't need to be told what to do...that I have the self-discipline to do what needs to be done.
But then I started thinking about why we began this venture two years ago...I was so self-disciplined that I lacked self-control. *sigh* Maybe Beloved has a point...?
I'd like to think that I have gained some self-control in the last two years. I'm better about speaking up and saying that I'm in trouble. But that is another limitation to the definition...it does not get into the mental mindset, and perhaps that is where more of my struggle lies. I am going to pull back, resent, and argue with confining directives. I am going to voice my opinions on the world. I am going to make certain decisions all on my own, and woe to those who oppose me.
*frowns* Not very submissive- OR slave-like...
Or does that matter?
I wish I didn't feel like I had to compete or explain who I am. I wander through the community and see all kinds of relationships, and I hold myself up for comparison. Am I submissive like her, slave like him? Do I serve Beloved better or worse than that individual serves their Owner? And I know it's not something only I do...there are arguments all the time about what a label means. I've struggled for months with my roommates because of such things. I've struggled with comments from Sir and Clockwerk because I haven't fit the expectations.
Or does that matter?
Beloved and I have a relationship that has grown and changed and evolved over the years. The last two years have included some of the more formal ideas of power exchange and D/s. We've checked out some of the local clubs, gotten involved with some of the community, read books. We've played around with labels and discovered limitations with just about every one.
Or does that matter?
When Beloved and I got our first apartment together, it was four years after we'd been officially married. Four YEARS. I was terrified that I'd discover I didn't like the guy who had been my husband for so long. One of the best pieces of advice I got was my aunt's comment that just because we lived together didn't mean we had to use the same brand of toothpaste. Funny how simple that was, but it made a huge difference. Similiarly, some of the best advice I've gotten in the lifestyle is that it doesn't matter what label I claim...what matters is that what we have works for us.
Submissive...Slave? Or does it matter?
"That which we call a rose. By any other name would smell as sweet."
Thursday, May 28, 2009
About eight hours ago, I lay on a table and Dr. K put a bunch of needles into my back. There was a cluster of three that she put in right about C8 that she said were to make sure I would sleep tonight. *sigh* Between Beloved's allergy snores, Baby's kicks, and my own head screaming at me, sleep is as elusive as ever.
I had ORIGINALLY written something light and fun to be posted today...but it was also more of a random life, parenting thing. My thoughts are presently occupied with more D/s orientated notions, so I guess I am replacing the light and fun with heavy and dreary. That alone makes me a little sad.
I was meandering through people's various journals this evening, and Sir's post this morning is what is haunting me at the moment. I am often told that I trust too much and too easily, and while he hasn't taken advantage of the soft, painful places in my soul, I know he could.
Just over six months ago, Clockwerk ended our relationship. It came at the height of my hyperemesis, and I was devastated by the way he so casually called my submission into question. I wrestled with my identity and agonized over my D/s relationship with Beloved. I hated Clockwerk for what he did to me...while we eventually resolved the hurt, we aren't really friends anymore.
In my breakup chat with Sir, he challenged me on certain things, and again I found myself wondering if maybe I wasn't want I thought I was. I'm fortunate enough to be surrounded by loved ones who jumped to my defense in wake of my questions, and I thought I was going to be okay...
But when Sir wrote this morning about arrows...well, there are poisoned tips I handed him myself. My thoughts have been racing through where they might come from, which targets would be likely. Part of me wants to arrogantly dare him...that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger...
Someone recently said that D/s is more intimate than marriage because of the level of vulerability. Beloved and I have tried to delve into D/s and have found it frustrating because we are so familiar with the sharp edges and we live with the results of the challenges to those edges. Beloved has seen me reduced to a creature afraid to leave the house or even get out of bed, and has repeatedly nursed me back from the edge someone else created.
I don't want to put Beloved through the agony of dealing with that yet again.
"Oh, pity them, mortal! To think of the many precious hours they are losing in worshiping their earthly pleasures! And let it carry a deep and lasting to thee, ignorant, selfish, vain mortal that thou art! For thou must now see thyself in thy true colors." ~ The Miser
It isn't going to matter that the attack wasn't made. The threat is enough to make me shy away again, and this time, I'm closing doors behind me. As it is, I do not sleep and hate what I have become.
I had ORIGINALLY written something light and fun to be posted today...but it was also more of a random life, parenting thing. My thoughts are presently occupied with more D/s orientated notions, so I guess I am replacing the light and fun with heavy and dreary. That alone makes me a little sad.
I was meandering through people's various journals this evening, and Sir's post this morning is what is haunting me at the moment. I am often told that I trust too much and too easily, and while he hasn't taken advantage of the soft, painful places in my soul, I know he could.
Just over six months ago, Clockwerk ended our relationship. It came at the height of my hyperemesis, and I was devastated by the way he so casually called my submission into question. I wrestled with my identity and agonized over my D/s relationship with Beloved. I hated Clockwerk for what he did to me...while we eventually resolved the hurt, we aren't really friends anymore.
In my breakup chat with Sir, he challenged me on certain things, and again I found myself wondering if maybe I wasn't want I thought I was. I'm fortunate enough to be surrounded by loved ones who jumped to my defense in wake of my questions, and I thought I was going to be okay...
But when Sir wrote this morning about arrows...well, there are poisoned tips I handed him myself. My thoughts have been racing through where they might come from, which targets would be likely. Part of me wants to arrogantly dare him...that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger...
Someone recently said that D/s is more intimate than marriage because of the level of vulerability. Beloved and I have tried to delve into D/s and have found it frustrating because we are so familiar with the sharp edges and we live with the results of the challenges to those edges. Beloved has seen me reduced to a creature afraid to leave the house or even get out of bed, and has repeatedly nursed me back from the edge someone else created.
I don't want to put Beloved through the agony of dealing with that yet again.
"Oh, pity them, mortal! To think of the many precious hours they are losing in worshiping their earthly pleasures! And let it carry a deep and lasting to thee, ignorant, selfish, vain mortal that thou art! For thou must now see thyself in thy true colors." ~ The Miser
It isn't going to matter that the attack wasn't made. The threat is enough to make me shy away again, and this time, I'm closing doors behind me. As it is, I do not sleep and hate what I have become.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
DD_ss Through the Looking Glass: Transparency
Transparent; sometimes it's easy enough to be, sometimes it's impossible.
How easy or difficult is it for you to be and to remain open to your owner; present and past relationships included?
I was brought up with the idea that if you can't say something nice, you don't say anything, so transparency is something that I suspect I will always have to work on. Add to that, I like to please people, so I often put my own needs and wants aside without a word. That tendency sometimes leads to a struggle with disappointment or resentment when no one notices.
Two years ago, I learned the hard way how very dangerous this can be. A nurse at the local hospital had me committed against my will. The ordeal only lasted a few hours...Beloved was very insistent that a DOCTOR review my case and found I was not a danger to myself or others...but it was very scary! Since then, I have worked hard to express my real feelings, needs, and wants...but it's not always perfect.
I especially get embarrassed by sexual desires and curiosities, still afraid of being judged poorly for such things. Sir did quite a bit of work with me in that area, and I'm grateful for that.
How challenging is it to talk to them about the things that matter the most to you or the things which bring you the most shame?
It can be incredibly difficult to voice my thoughts if I feel something is personally shameful. Those confessions are often had LATE at night, in the dark, with my eyes closed...or sometimes whispered in someone's ear.
Depending on that you mean by “things that matter the most”, I don't find it to challenging to speak up on things I believe in. Part of that is just born out of the political involvement...you CAN'T be silent in those fields and get anything done!
Is it transparency when you are only open about the good things that you've done or thought? What about your secret and shameful thoughts?
No, a person isn't being transparent when only open about the easy things. Those are EASY to have out. Real transparency is when you can honestly reveal the harder, secret, “shameful” thoughts.
How ready and willing are you to be transparent when you're questioning your love for your owner or questioning his decisions and motives?
I had a very difficult time with Sir on occasion...partly because I had a growing certainty that there were too many differences in what we wanted in a relationship. It is also difficult for me to really understand/appreciate what it is that a sadist gets out of a particular play aspect. Beloved has this fascination with tickle-fetishes and “sensual sadism” that make me want to throw up my hands and pull out my hair. It's not any fun to be so reduced!!! Usually, I'm able to express that and if my partner insists, then it's something I submit to...
Are you able to be transparent when jealousy is twisting your heart?
I haven't felt truly challenged by jealousy in a long time.
How easy or difficult is it for you to be and to remain open to your owner; present and past relationships included?
I was brought up with the idea that if you can't say something nice, you don't say anything, so transparency is something that I suspect I will always have to work on. Add to that, I like to please people, so I often put my own needs and wants aside without a word. That tendency sometimes leads to a struggle with disappointment or resentment when no one notices.
Two years ago, I learned the hard way how very dangerous this can be. A nurse at the local hospital had me committed against my will. The ordeal only lasted a few hours...Beloved was very insistent that a DOCTOR review my case and found I was not a danger to myself or others...but it was very scary! Since then, I have worked hard to express my real feelings, needs, and wants...but it's not always perfect.
I especially get embarrassed by sexual desires and curiosities, still afraid of being judged poorly for such things. Sir did quite a bit of work with me in that area, and I'm grateful for that.
How challenging is it to talk to them about the things that matter the most to you or the things which bring you the most shame?
It can be incredibly difficult to voice my thoughts if I feel something is personally shameful. Those confessions are often had LATE at night, in the dark, with my eyes closed...or sometimes whispered in someone's ear.
Depending on that you mean by “things that matter the most”, I don't find it to challenging to speak up on things I believe in. Part of that is just born out of the political involvement...you CAN'T be silent in those fields and get anything done!
Is it transparency when you are only open about the good things that you've done or thought? What about your secret and shameful thoughts?
No, a person isn't being transparent when only open about the easy things. Those are EASY to have out. Real transparency is when you can honestly reveal the harder, secret, “shameful” thoughts.
How ready and willing are you to be transparent when you're questioning your love for your owner or questioning his decisions and motives?
I had a very difficult time with Sir on occasion...partly because I had a growing certainty that there were too many differences in what we wanted in a relationship. It is also difficult for me to really understand/appreciate what it is that a sadist gets out of a particular play aspect. Beloved has this fascination with tickle-fetishes and “sensual sadism” that make me want to throw up my hands and pull out my hair. It's not any fun to be so reduced!!! Usually, I'm able to express that and if my partner insists, then it's something I submit to...
Are you able to be transparent when jealousy is twisting your heart?
I haven't felt truly challenged by jealousy in a long time.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
When the first baby laughed for the first time, the laugh broke into a thousand pieces and they all went skipping about, and that was the beginning of fairies. ~ James M. Barrie
How come it's ALWAYS the FAIRIES that get mention? *sigh* It's racist, I swear. Just for that, I ain't telling what the beginning of pixies was...But I'll give ya a hint. *wink* Today is my birthday! *grin*
Beloved teased me this morning, saying I was trying to stretch my birthday celebrations out as far as possible. I can't argue too much...I happen to LIKE my birthday.
Last Saturday, I was lucky enough to get together with seven wonderfully fun, slightly (significantly?) perverse, and highly kinky friends for some pizza at Gino's East. The little sidenote is that that particular location was where Beloved and I had our very first date some fourteen years ago....awwwww! It was a blast! Our reservations were for 7:30, and Beloved and I didn't actually get in our car and head home until after 10:30! Conversations ranged all over the place, but there was definitely "inappropriate discussion" had. *giggles* There is something incredibly freeing about having a large group in a public place and just not caring who might hear what. I got to see a fellow SJW-er to boot! (Thanks so much Lady! It was awesome to see you...and I hope Beloved and I can make a trip to Indy sometime soon!) HBYnSSQ gave me a couple of sweet cards, too, and they gave me a much needed lift. (Boy adores the sirens...I'll pay you back for that by visiting work and showing him the alarm at the end of the tour!)
Tonight, we're going out for dinner to Sweet Tomatoes. Okay, so maybe I'm a cheap date, but I love the soups AND I have a 2-fer coupon (I did mention I'm a cheap date, right?)
Wednesday, I'm getting the carpets cleaned. *snickers* There will be no hanky-panky this time...pregnancy and an agreement with Jason to keep the fantasy from tottering into something else, but there's still some amusement to be had there.
Thursday, I get to head to my sister's place for a 2-hour prenatal massage. *wriggles* She's been super-busy this go around because she's teaching as well as working, so I haven't been able to take proper advantage of my blood-tie to a professional massage therapist, but she's arranged the morning to pamper me!
I feel like one very lucky Pixie! I'll have to get back to you regarding those silly spanking rumors...
How come it's ALWAYS the FAIRIES that get mention? *sigh* It's racist, I swear. Just for that, I ain't telling what the beginning of pixies was...But I'll give ya a hint. *wink* Today is my birthday! *grin*
Beloved teased me this morning, saying I was trying to stretch my birthday celebrations out as far as possible. I can't argue too much...I happen to LIKE my birthday.
Last Saturday, I was lucky enough to get together with seven wonderfully fun, slightly (significantly?) perverse, and highly kinky friends for some pizza at Gino's East. The little sidenote is that that particular location was where Beloved and I had our very first date some fourteen years ago....awwwww! It was a blast! Our reservations were for 7:30, and Beloved and I didn't actually get in our car and head home until after 10:30! Conversations ranged all over the place, but there was definitely "inappropriate discussion" had. *giggles* There is something incredibly freeing about having a large group in a public place and just not caring who might hear what. I got to see a fellow SJW-er to boot! (Thanks so much Lady! It was awesome to see you...and I hope Beloved and I can make a trip to Indy sometime soon!) HBYnSSQ gave me a couple of sweet cards, too, and they gave me a much needed lift. (Boy adores the sirens...I'll pay you back for that by visiting work and showing him the alarm at the end of the tour!)
Tonight, we're going out for dinner to Sweet Tomatoes. Okay, so maybe I'm a cheap date, but I love the soups AND I have a 2-fer coupon (I did mention I'm a cheap date, right?)
Wednesday, I'm getting the carpets cleaned. *snickers* There will be no hanky-panky this time...pregnancy and an agreement with Jason to keep the fantasy from tottering into something else, but there's still some amusement to be had there.
Thursday, I get to head to my sister's place for a 2-hour prenatal massage. *wriggles* She's been super-busy this go around because she's teaching as well as working, so I haven't been able to take proper advantage of my blood-tie to a professional massage therapist, but she's arranged the morning to pamper me!
I feel like one very lucky Pixie! I'll have to get back to you regarding those silly spanking rumors...
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Wish I were angry and indignant...
Instead I'm sad and guilty for hurting someone I care about. Sir and I have closed off our relationship, and I've been cut out of his life. I have some small hopes that maybe he will move past the anger and we might be friends again, but only time will tell. I believe that it is for the best, that we were looking for different things, that ultimately he will be better for not having me as a prominent feature in his life...
Or maybe he is correct and I'm not courageous enough to not make excuses.
*sigh*
Or maybe he is correct and I'm not courageous enough to not make excuses.
*sigh*
Friday, May 22, 2009
DD_ss Passion or Play Time?
How much is your submission, your slavery or your dominance a part of your life?
I think first you have to define “submission”, and I haven't really been able to do that yet. The dictionary says,
the condition of being submissive, humble, or compliant;
an act of submitting to the authority or control of another
to yield oneself to the authority or will of another Do I do this? I place others' needs and desires ahead of my own...I try to anticipate what others might like and plan accordingly. At the same time, I can be stubborn and willful, and I have a very hard time capitulating. Does that make me submissive?
I view myself as a servant to the Universe. Individuals come and go, and I do my best to serve them in the ways that I can, but I chaff when I feel someone is taking advantage...
So where does that leave the answer? On a day-to-day I live to serve...it's just not necessarily a PERSON whom I am yielding to.
Is your submission, your slavery or your dominance something which gets limited exposure?
I don't think it's limited...I don't go around with an obvious collar around my neck. At the same time, we host gatherings for kinky groups, and they are aware of my submissive stance.
Is it an all-consuming passion which is manifested in everything that you do and in every thought that you have? Does it influence and govern your actions and thoughts at all times and provide you with an enduring goal in your life?
I would not say that my submission governs EVERYTHING...and I certainly don't feel like I have an enduring goal in life beyond the general “make the world a better place”...
Is it something that you can turn on at will and specific only to certain activities in your life?
*laughs* No. If it were, I so would have been able to create a convincing Domme and had a sissy maid cleaning my house for the last six months! As it is, I am too consumed with trying to help, to carry my weight, to work along side someone rather than accept service. And I am not comfortable asking for service.
When you think of yourself how do you describe your involvement in BDSM; is it a 24/7 orientation or one which you choose when and where it will be visible?
I am not in a BDSM relationship; that is not where my submission lies. I do live a 24/7 life of service to those around me, and occasionally I am asked to submit to something in lines with the BDSM world, and in those cases, I submit as a service to my partner. Because I don't “crackle in subspace” and merely endure the BDSM play, I've been accused of not being submissive. *shrug*
If someday all orientations of this sort were rejected by society and you could no longer celebrate who you are ... who would you be?
I don't think much would change, honestly. Before I knew any of the language of D/s, I was submissive to the need to help others. I have always used my talents and skills to help...whether it was in arguing for improvements in student housing, pursued elected officials on votes to make communities environmentally safer, or argued with authorities to get poor kids into Medicaid programs...I have always bent my life to the service of others. It doesn't matter if I wear a collar or have a the label of “submissive”...I would continue to be a mother, a wife, a domestic servant, a community servant, etc.
I think first you have to define “submission”, and I haven't really been able to do that yet. The dictionary says,
an act of submitting to the authority or control of another
to yield oneself to the authority or will of another
I view myself as a servant to the Universe. Individuals come and go, and I do my best to serve them in the ways that I can, but I chaff when I feel someone is taking advantage...
So where does that leave the answer? On a day-to-day I live to serve...it's just not necessarily a PERSON whom I am yielding to.
Is your submission, your slavery or your dominance something which gets limited exposure?
I don't think it's limited...I don't go around with an obvious collar around my neck. At the same time, we host gatherings for kinky groups, and they are aware of my submissive stance.
Is it an all-consuming passion which is manifested in everything that you do and in every thought that you have? Does it influence and govern your actions and thoughts at all times and provide you with an enduring goal in your life?
I would not say that my submission governs EVERYTHING...and I certainly don't feel like I have an enduring goal in life beyond the general “make the world a better place”...
Is it something that you can turn on at will and specific only to certain activities in your life?
*laughs* No. If it were, I so would have been able to create a convincing Domme and had a sissy maid cleaning my house for the last six months! As it is, I am too consumed with trying to help, to carry my weight, to work along side someone rather than accept service. And I am not comfortable asking for service.
When you think of yourself how do you describe your involvement in BDSM; is it a 24/7 orientation or one which you choose when and where it will be visible?
I am not in a BDSM relationship; that is not where my submission lies. I do live a 24/7 life of service to those around me, and occasionally I am asked to submit to something in lines with the BDSM world, and in those cases, I submit as a service to my partner. Because I don't “crackle in subspace” and merely endure the BDSM play, I've been accused of not being submissive. *shrug*
If someday all orientations of this sort were rejected by society and you could no longer celebrate who you are ... who would you be?
I don't think much would change, honestly. Before I knew any of the language of D/s, I was submissive to the need to help others. I have always used my talents and skills to help...whether it was in arguing for improvements in student housing, pursued elected officials on votes to make communities environmentally safer, or argued with authorities to get poor kids into Medicaid programs...I have always bent my life to the service of others. It doesn't matter if I wear a collar or have a the label of “submissive”...I would continue to be a mother, a wife, a domestic servant, a community servant, etc.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)