Transparent; sometimes it's easy enough to be, sometimes it's impossible.
How easy or difficult is it for you to be and to remain open to your owner; present and past relationships included?
I was brought up with the idea that if you can't say something nice, you don't say anything, so transparency is something that I suspect I will always have to work on. Add to that, I like to please people, so I often put my own needs and wants aside without a word. That tendency sometimes leads to a struggle with disappointment or resentment when no one notices.
Two years ago, I learned the hard way how very dangerous this can be. A nurse at the local hospital had me committed against my will. The ordeal only lasted a few hours...Beloved was very insistent that a DOCTOR review my case and found I was not a danger to myself or others...but it was very scary! Since then, I have worked hard to express my real feelings, needs, and wants...but it's not always perfect.
I especially get embarrassed by sexual desires and curiosities, still afraid of being judged poorly for such things. Sir did quite a bit of work with me in that area, and I'm grateful for that.
How challenging is it to talk to them about the things that matter the most to you or the things which bring you the most shame?
It can be incredibly difficult to voice my thoughts if I feel something is personally shameful. Those confessions are often had LATE at night, in the dark, with my eyes closed...or sometimes whispered in someone's ear.
Depending on that you mean by “things that matter the most”, I don't find it to challenging to speak up on things I believe in. Part of that is just born out of the political involvement...you CAN'T be silent in those fields and get anything done!
Is it transparency when you are only open about the good things that you've done or thought? What about your secret and shameful thoughts?
No, a person isn't being transparent when only open about the easy things. Those are EASY to have out. Real transparency is when you can honestly reveal the harder, secret, “shameful” thoughts.
How ready and willing are you to be transparent when you're questioning your love for your owner or questioning his decisions and motives?
I had a very difficult time with Sir on occasion...partly because I had a growing certainty that there were too many differences in what we wanted in a relationship. It is also difficult for me to really understand/appreciate what it is that a sadist gets out of a particular play aspect. Beloved has this fascination with tickle-fetishes and “sensual sadism” that make me want to throw up my hands and pull out my hair. It's not any fun to be so reduced!!! Usually, I'm able to express that and if my partner insists, then it's something I submit to...
Are you able to be transparent when jealousy is twisting your heart?
I haven't felt truly challenged by jealousy in a long time.
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