It's been a good day. You can tell that by the fact that it's 1 AM and I spent the last four hours laughing, playing cards, sharing stories, and BELONGING. I'm overwhelmed with how amazing this has been!
AND this is despite the HG. I was sick first thing this morning and violently ill just before supper. It was bad enough that although I was one of 6 names pulled for the erotic massage class (out of 30-40?), I simply could not do it today. That is how amazing the day has been.
My first class was Invoking the Power of Others. It wasn't what I expected. Instead it was a process of identifying what traits an "excellent" submissive would have. After that, select 10 that you really want to work on. Mine included:
Mallible Confident Balanced Joyful Healthy Transparent Open to Criticim Friendly Articulate Gracious
The hard part was then to identify one person, living or dead, who exemplified that trait. Consider them, observe them, talk to them, read about them, etc. When challenged, ask the "What Would "Exmplifier" Do?" I haven't been able to complete my list yet...it's harder than you'd think.
The next class was intense...Finding and Maintaining Fulfillment in Submission. Bits and pieces from the class -
* what draws me to submission? In my life, I need outside validation that I am of value. While so much of my service is done out of necessity, I need the reassurance that it is done well and appreciated, that it does in fact make a difference. When I was working, I had more tangible examples...published opinions in the newspaper, impact on a Senator's vote, improved statistics for applications we pushed through into actual healthcare for the uninsured. Now...? Being a stay-at-home mother shrank my world. I've been stretching it out with organizing local groups, but I don't understand how to measure the impacts I have with FVP or drum circle or the DOM or 8 loads of laundry and scrubbing baseboards. I've claimed "submissive" in order to gleen the notice of my work.
* I crave for things to make sense. As a child, so much of my life didn't make sense. My mom's illness and death. My father's alcoholism. Being raped. My sisters' health issues. I can take an awful lot, and I can give an awful lot, but only if I understand WHY. If the reason is simply that it pleases you, okay...but I need to know that.
*Why stay in the lifestyle? Although I need understanding and control, I also long to be free, to let go of my organization and rigid standards. I will fight this, but I'm desperate to experience a simple life. Give me permission to be my child PIXIE self.
*I am the steward of my own truth. I need to learn to cultivate my sense of self and embrace myself. This conflicts with my earlier desire to be mallible. I need to resolve this dichotomy.
*Perhaps this cannot work with love. OUCH! The questions presented made sense..."How often do you love your boss? How often does your boss love you?" Beloved and I are approaching D/s after 11 years of very close, very loving marriage. Sir and I love each other already. Can my submission work within those constructs? Something to consider in my hopes and expectations of a D/s relationship.
Lunch was spent in VERBAL silence, which I found slightly amusing compared to the Noble Silence of Vipassana. *shrug* My team was responsible for clean up afterwards, and it was easy easy. Two people worked the kitchen, two people collected garbage, and two people walked through the public areas and collected miscellaneous stuff. I got the kitchen, and it was mostly just putting leftovers away and wiping tables. Funny how smoothly things go with willing service submissives.
Class after lunch was on Polyamory. Unfortunately, I didn't learn as much as I'd hoped to. I was the only person in a relationship with two Dominants, and probably had more experience coaching poly exploration due to my work with FVP. I did learn some new terms, like "polycule" and there were some reading suggestions I'd like to follow up with (in all my free time).
By Mentoring and Leadership, I was starting to feel sick. I still asked questions and made notes. "Mentoring" has the ultimate goal of shaping one's skills, attitudes, thoughts, and behaviors. Sometimes (often?) it is better to have a like-mentor: submissive-submissive, for example. Avoid confusing the relationship with sex or play services.
My complaints - I haven't met ANY service-oriented people that I know of. The club, the parties, the munches have all be reflective of sex and play. Hard questions: Why can't I find others I could consider as a mentor? Do I come off as snobbish, do I not know enough people, do I not ask clearly enough?
Combining these rankling thoughts with my growing nausea did me in. I tried laying down, but I lost lunch and was left sobbing and aching. I managed to clean up, ask that some supper be saved for me, and walked down the fill searching for a cell signal. I managed to talk to Beloved and Boy for a few minutes before they disappeared. I felt a little better, but sat against a tree and wept for a while. One of my roommates came and found me and helped me back to the lodge. I laid down and slept through the last session.
I heard when classes were over and debated on getting up. I wanted to remain quiet, to hide. I was embarrassed about getting sick and just wanted to be left alone...but I also knew that was impossible. At the very least, I shared the room with six others and they would come to check on me, so I dragged myself upstairs. I was greeted and hugged and just...loved. We have been here together for 30 hours, and I was known and missed. I was a part of the family.
More than that...this retreat has been an affirmation. I've wavered about my submission for months...I've been TOLD I wasn't submissive. I've been lost and floundering, and this Submissive Journey Weekend changed that. While the details may be different, the core is the same with each one of us here. I fit in here. It's no longer a question in my head. I am a submissive. Now the real work begins.
How can I find the details that fit my life as a submissive?
How can this work in my everyday world?
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