SJW: Day 1

I'm tired...but it's a relaxed, contented kind of tired and not the frantic tired that I was concerned about consuming me. So far, I have been at the Lodge for eight hours. There's been two discussions and once class. I'll get to those...

It's been pretty amazing how easy it's been. I'm speaking up and participating and only once have I felt like I might have over-stepped or made a fool of myself. It's been a little challenging not to TOUCH...I don't know what the rules are about touching and have held back. I miss the touch, though...the physical contact. Despite that, it does feel a little like family, which is odd and amazing and confusing. *soft smile* Why can't I accept myself the way these people have accepted me?

The first discussion was on rules of the Lodge. It was very much the standard spcheal. The discussion on "Submission in the 21st Century" was spirited. We talked about misconceptions, about confronting behaviors we find appalling, about labels, roles, complexity. The biggest "Take Home" for me was the question:

"Are you happy with the results you are getting?"

For me? No, the house isn't always up to my standards. Yes, I struggle with my intense desire to understand (unravel?) Sir. Yes, I want to be all thing to all people and batter my head when I fail to fulfill every possible (and imagined) desire of those around me. Yes, I long for Beloved's collar...to that symbol of his approval.

But in the BIG PICTURE? I think I am happy with the results. It's not perfect, but it is real.

"Personal Service" was less than I expected. We discussed sensual vs. non-sensual service, lifestyle vs. vanilla service (deciding quickly there's no real difference), the importance of communication and saying NO and being honest about abilities and feelings. This was where I monopolized the discussion and felt a little foolish for it...I talked about how I'd tried to hide my postpartum depression and ended up forcibly committed. It was a rather dramatic example of how not being transparent can really catch up. *sigh*

I think my "Take Home" is more from the blatant similarities - not in the details but in the basic ideas of what service is. I'm not alone in my desire to serve Beloved and Sir and others in non-BDSM ways! WOW!

Other random bits -
I'm having an intense SWEET craving and have nothing of my own to salve it. I've been offered all kids of junk food, but I'm naturally denying myself. Stick to my strengths, right?

I've been threatened with death if I go into labor here. *grin* It's entirely sweet and embarrassing how much others have cared and/or taken care of me...Total strangers...what have I done to deserve it?!?

Finding a quiet, lighted, seated space to write was a little challenging. I'm sorta wishing for the laptop and grateful I don't have it. Like the Vipassana, not having that distraction is a good thing.

With that, I think I'm going to go lay down. I'm not quite ready for SLEEP, but rest is desperately needed!