Once more into the breech dear friends

I thought I was finally figuring things out. I thought I had found a place of acceptance and comfort. I thought...maybe...for once...I had an answer.

*sigh* I'm afraid I'm going to bore you with the details of my day...but since everything snowballed, you'll just have to sift through it.

The day began with me being sick. Unpleasant, but not that unusual, and it's the day I go in for acupuncture. Still, it's no fun to start out throwing up and nauseous. I managed a glass of milk before Beloved left, and he asked that I see to a thorough dusting, our bathroom, and picking up the bedroom. I added on laundry, mostly because *I* was out of clean unders, and dinner because I'd already signed up for it. I also needed to hit the bank and the store. It's a lot, given that I was going to lose the afternoon to a doctor's appointment, and I knew it. Still, I was confident I could do it.

I spent the morning chatting online with Sir and playing cars with Boy while running the first two loads of laundry. My first stumbling block came up when Sir said he'd like to see the protocols I'd learned at the retreat. Um...protocols??? I didn't learn any...that wasn't one of the classes I'd attended, and really, I'm not all that interested in such things. It's a major reason I avoid religion, too. But...but Sir wants to teach me protocols. I expressed my concerns, he was adamant that the protocols be made my own Pixie self's... Okay...I can give it my best. We'll discuss what he wants and I'll figure out how to make it work...

By the time I signed off, I knew I was going to have to get seriously focused. I got Boy packed up and to his friends' house for the afternoon, got home at 11:30, and floundered. What did Beloved mean by a "thorough dusting"? Had I not done a good job last week? Instead of second-guessing, I shot off a request for clarification and went upstairs...the bathroom was easy, and while the bedroom was intimidating, I at least knew what was needed there.

I was reasonably happy with the state of things there by 12:10. I was feeling very shaky and jittery, almost nauseous. I tried some cereal and lost it, but felt better for that. I caught Beloved at 12:20 and he clarified what he wanted and agreed to watch Boy in the evening so I could do the bank and store then... Okay. It was 12:30. One hour...dusting, dinner, a shower, move laundry, and get out of here.

Except for the shower, I actually managed to do it, and I was quite satisfied with the accomplishments...Even called Beloved and told him so!

Traffic was awful. My regular doctor is on vacation, so I was seeing someone who didn't know precisely what points I got, and I wasn't in the usual room I got treatment. It happens...but I got my needles, it will be okay. Traffic was worse heading home, though, in part because of thunderstorms...

I was listening to NPR and pondering the differences between title-holding submissives and serving politicians and remember Master Gallad's comment about serving a philosophy or the Universe... Complicated thoughts, but of the three, the last is closest to what I'd like. How does the prayer go? "Make me an instrument of Your peace..."? To bad I can't really buy into religion...I question too much.

I picked up Boy, got home, moved laundry again, and had the table set and dinner ALMOST done by the time the guys got in from work. See? SEE?!? I CAN DO THIS! We ate dinner, I scooted off to the bank and store, got home, put everything away...

The house was quiet, so I stole a few minutes to check e-mail, but I was promptly "caught" when Boy and Beloved came downstairs looking for a snack before bed. Beloved gave me a wonderful backrub while Boy ate cheese. When they decided to play a little bit, logged into chat to check in with Sir...which lasted about 5 minutes. Boy declared he wanted me to tuck him in as Beloved took him upstairs...I signed off, but by the time I got upstairs, the lights were off, Boy was tucked in, and I upset everything by coming in...

I grabbed the laundry basket, gave Boy a kiss, and was tsk-ed out of the room by Beloved to the tears of Boy. Not so good... I moved laundry again, and was in the bedroom starting to fold it when Beloved came in. Without a word, he took what I'd started, tossed it back in the basket, and set the baskets on the floor. Then he told me to get on the bed, kneeling, with my hands behind my neck.

He then told me to put my head down and gave me a pretty mild spanking, telling me it was simply because he wanted to. I was gritting my teeth already...perhaps that's the warning sign I need to look for...and he told me to flip over and spread my legs. He told me to count as he licked my pussy. I was tight-fisting the blanket and wished he'd just fuck me and leave me alone... Then he told me I didn't have to count, continued teasing me, but began talking.

How he loved my pussy. How he loved the sight, the taste, the feel...

*shakes head* Remember, I skipped my shower to get everything else done? On top of which, I've NEVER been comfortable receiving...

I just started crying. What kind of submissive can't submit to RECEIVING??? I just wanted it to be over. I was tired, I'd worked to hard to get everything done, why wasn't that enough, why do I have to learn protocols, why can I never be enough to satisfy Beloved or Sir just the way I am, am I so worthless and stubborn and stupid... I spiraled out of control pretty fast, and it took over an hour of Beloved holding me, reassuring me... He scolded me for not safewording, or at least telling him "yellow light", but at what point do you know when to do that? At what point is it no longer "safe"? I was calm enough to talk to him, and finally we got under the covers, and he was snoring lightly...

I'm not crying now...but I had to get up and write. I can't let it go. I want to throw everything out...the SJW book, the experiences, the collars, the submission, my life as it currently stands. I just can't do it. I don't have any answers, I'm not any closer to balance and acceptance, I'm just a nothing.

Take all the traits that are undesirable, roll them into a ball, and you've got ME. Argumentative, complaining, sick, unbalanced, whining, insecure...

Okay, I lied. I AM crying. I really wanted this past weekend to change me. I really thought that I'd found a magical place of confidence inside myself and that it was all going to be BETTER now. So much for transformation. I'm right back in the puddle I started in.