Journal Prompt, continued.

An anonymous commentor replied to my last post, "Now tell us what do you think the outcome would be if Beloved was outed by his family, employer, coworkers and others."

Beloved's immediate family knows. Hell, RedVulpes is more involved with the community than we are! More distant relatives...aunts and uncles, cousins, grandparents...are maybe more of a concern, for all that we see them every 2-3 years. Like my family, they pretty much accept that we are a little odd, even if they can only label the failure to attend church regularly.

Employer and coworkers. I can't entirely guess what the employer's view would be, but from the little I know, as long as the commitment to project success remained what it has been (and Beloved's already wearing the golden handcuffs there), it wouldn't matter. We already know a few of the coworkers are "alternative" in various ways...at least one lunch a week is spent discussing some aspect of "poly v. swing" or the way our relationship works (without the D/s labels). I've shown up in flirty clothing and techincolored hair, and the office generally loves the excuse to visit briefly or see the kids.

Others? A few months ago, someone lifestyle paid us the compliment on how well we have managed to balance our lives. We have maintained our vanilla friendships while developing our newer friendships. In general, we don't HIDE anything, but we don't shove it in people's faces, either. If a question is asked, I raise an eyebrow and ask if they REALLY want to know. Sometimes the answer is, 'never mind!' and it's left at that. *wry smile* Even our most vanilla/muggle friend has seen the boobie wall and can dream up want we might possibly be into! No one thinks twice if I say "Beloved" in mixed company, or if they do, they comment on how sweet that is. It's more hilarious when someone ELSE calls him Beloved for lack of knowing his RL name.

So...I guess the answer is pretty much the same. We aren't NORMAL in any sense of the general society. We have an open door policy and more people have keys to our house than I can count. We have been married for 14 years, but we have lived "just us" for about 46 months of that, divided many times. We host drum circles. We live without AC. We don't have a television that receives outside signals (no TV...just movies and games). We're weird. I don't know that being outted, for being poly or being kinky or having a power exchange relationship would really shock anyone beyond recovery.

But I hope I never have to find out!

Journal Prompt

LunaKM asks, "How would you handle being outted in the vanilla world?"

That's tough. I know people who have lost their job; custody of their kids. I know someone who is constantly chastised by parents because of lifestyle choices. I know people for whom being outted has been devastating.

Right now, I don't know that being outted would change very much in my life. I don't have a job to worry about losing; my vanilla friends all know I'm a little different, even if it's just because of my hair. My "collar" is a key on a silk cord around my neck, and I give a shy smile when I happily explain it is the key to Beloved's heart. If it came to child-endangerment, DCFS is welcome to interview friends, family, or do a home study...there's nothing to hide and the kids are well-adjusted. I don't run for titles, for all that title holders seem impressive and together, it takes a certain dedication to earn a title. My "lifestyle" just isn't that extreme.

But even with the lack of extremes, I have been ousted from social groups because of my affiliations with alternative groups. It comes as a shock every time.

I dunno.

Would vanilla people in my life be appalled, shocked, disappointed? Probably.

Just before SJW, I outed myself to my dad on the polyamory lifestyle. I know he is trying really hard to wrap his head around it - he's called a lot more and asked about my trip in a very "curious, but spare me the details" kind of way. If it came to the kink stuff, it might be harder for him to swallow, but I generally have no problems wearing a bathing suit. We talk often and he can tell if I'm really okay or not.

Since I've been thinking about going back to work, there are other complications. Like the hair. There are very few jobs that would allow me to leave it technicolored. It wouldn't change my skills, what I could do for a company, but it is perceived as "wrong" "unprofessional" and "deviant". Thus, I am disqualified at first glance, instead of being engaged and asked if such things could be changed.

It is truly disappointing that we do to our bodies, in our private lives is taken as a threat to the public world. Why are we so afraid of individuality?

hurting

Where did the last week go? Beloved and I are wondering. Very little on our "to do" list got done. We both feel like we haven't gotten the down time we were hoping for. WTF? *sigh*

The discussion of my going back to work has been re-opened. It hurts. I'm "supposed" to enjoy being a mom and staying home and nurturing the children. What about homeschooling? Girl is only 10 months old. *weeps* and two kids is just making me heartsore! I don't feel like I'm able to do either one of them...or myself...justice.

Prime example...last Saturday, I was getting them ready for bed. Girl was on the changing table, mid-diaper change. Boy did something (I don't remember what) and I turned around to help him. I was about 3 feet from the changing table, but Girl managed to roll over and off, landing hard on her head. I'm NOT an ER momma, but her limbs were jerky and her eyes were droopy and I got scared! So, Girl, Boy, and I spend a few hours in the ER Saturday night. Girl had a mild concussion, but was discharged without any extensive tests and has been perfectly fine since the incident.

But it was the first time I'd ever taken either child to the ER. And I felt negligent. I was in the same room, within arm's reach, but because I addressed Boy, Girl had an accident. The guilt is driving me a little crazy. I'm angry that I just can't seem to do it all.

blech.

Flip side...I had a fantastic birthday on Wednesday. Lots of wishes from lots of friends. E-mail, phone calls, texts, cards. I made two cakes and had a bunch of folks over for games in the evening. It rained, so it wasn't awful hot-humid. It was just a good day.

And today...this morning...was good. Boy and I went to the nature center and did their letterbox hunt. I brought some quartz crystals, so we left one in the box and he kept one of the "diamonds". We went out to lunch and had a good time. It was wonderful until it was time to go home and then all the magic unraveled and I was a mean mom who didn't let him do anything...

It is this daily mantra that makes me resentful and tired and long for an escape.

I know...he's three; it's normal; he doesn't mean it. But I still feel like a failure. I'm so tired of struggling. As Boy says so often, "I want to be left alone."

Silence

As I said in my last post, I was encouraged to take three days for myself and my family. The Universe decided to see that I did exactly that. I had planned to be in Indianapolis on Sunday for KISS, but Girl rolled off the changing table on Saturday night, so we were in the ER. (She's okay...mild concussion, but nothing to worry about!) With that experience, I called subbiebunny and canceled.

So Saturday, Sunday, and Monday have been spent with family. How has that been? hmmm...

Well, Saturday we moved RedVulpes into his new apartment. I teased him on the labeling of his boxes ("There is no 'Master' bedroom...you're a Top!" "I'm thinking you're becoming girlie...you have a box of heirlooms." "This is labeled 'rocks'. You're making us move ROCKS?" "Box of sharps, box of medical supplies, box of miscellaneous weapons...good thing your new neighbors aren't helping!") Beloved and I ended up splitting up because childcare was an issue, but it was cool to see Red's new place.

Sunday was errands and just hanging out at home.

Monday, I spent 2 hours cleaning up the yard and then Boy and I went to Blackberry Farm while Beloved stayed home with Girl. It was the first Momma-Boy adventure we've had in a long time. I think we both enjoyed it.

So now it's Tuesday. I don't have any real plans until tomorrow...so I might just stay quiet for now. I'm just not feeling like chatting much. *sigh* What I really want to a nap, but that's not very likely. ah well...

Thoughts...

I've had some wonderful people poke me with things worth thinking about.

Beloved has been incredibly supportive and loving, despite all of the juggling HE is doing. We had an ironic exchange about how stressful it is to prepare for a vacation. Each of us has different stressors (me and the house, him and setting goals and designate responsibilities), but the result is the same: we both started our vacations especially exhausted. I know we aren't the only ones guilty of this. I just don't know if there is a better solution.

Beloved decided I should attend Windy City MAsT last night. It was an open Q&A evening with a drum circle, and he told me to go and ask about event drop and coping with presenting. It was a relief, really. I *wanted* to go, but I was torn because of being tired and threadbare. I'm so glad Beloved insisted. I got coached, scolded, smudged, and was finally able to give in to my tears. Lady Tamin and Nighthawk-Sir and their girl Simone took immediate care for my tears, and then I was hugged by Master DVNT and Master Gallad, by slave Kelly and Evangelique.

Things to think about:
- I will make (and am making) myself sick trying to do more than I should.
- I cannot save anyone from themselves. This is extremely painful...something I know too well, and yet fight against. I need to stop. Some people are squid, and I need to cut them off.
- If I am serving from a place of exhaustion or resentment, then I am not being fed by my service.
- I need to withdraw and refocus on myself, Beloved, and my family. This seems nearly impossible, but that's why it is all the more important. Master Gallad was very clear that I should disappear for three days. I'm considering how to manage that.
- I do not need an excuse. HA! Right? *sigh* I know.
- The problems will not go away if they are important. If my attention is required, the issues will be there when I "come back" from my three days.


I had a wonderful talk with SassyLassy in which she asked if I knew what word she's scolded me about learning.
Pixie: No.
Sass: The one that I wrote you about.
Pixie: No.
Sassy: Do I need to send Limper over with his bullwhip to teach it to you?
Pixie: NO!
(in the background, Limper said, "Oh, please!" or something to that effect. Sass and I were laughing to much for me to hear exactly.)

One of my vanilla friends commented on a FaceBook status of mine: like any good housewife you feel the need to wage your own little war against entropy. Wow. It kinda stung with the truth in that statement.


So...yeah. There's a theme, and I am going to try to listen to it. My thought is to unplug for three days, specifically from the computer. That's going to be tough since I'm more addicted to my Internet than to coffee or sleep, but it's a good step. So... *poof*

$#@)$#@!!! Daylilies

So for the last three days, I have been spending 1-2 hours a day digging out daylilies in the front yard. The area I've been working on is about 20'X 3' and was practically root-bound without being in a pot! I'm guessing I removed about 800 plants. No lie. I actually counted the last batch which were in about 1/8 of the space, and it was 97 plants! With so many plants, though, I finally put a free notice up on craigslist. Happily, I was able to help five people with plants for their yards.

My reasons were mostly that I didn't like them. They are green bushes for most of the summer with 1-2 weeks that have pretty orange flowers. I want something more interesting. The big bay window is in desperate need of a scape-paint job, and getting rid of the plants will make it easier to access the window. The lilies will grow ANYWHERE and there are a couple areas I'd prefer to have them.

But digging them out uncovered a much more important reason to remove the plants. They were actually damaging our foundation!!! Take a look:




Word to the wise...if you have these plants growing around your house, keep them in check!!!

Submissive Journal Prompts

From LunaKM: Why do you want to be controlled?

I think that sort of goes back to why did Beloved and I start this adventure. There are lots of mixed answers. The reason it final came up was I had just been committed against my will (never mind that it was a brief stint...it was scary to be committed by strangers!). I was drowning in the stay-at-home life. Everything was so nebulous. Life with an infant meant that time itself was blurred...I was on call 24/7 and nothing seemed solid. I begged Beloved for guidance and limits because I was working myself to death, almost literally, trying to be the Super Mom, forgetting she is plastic and hard and unfeeling.

It has been a JOURNEY which I am continually learning how to balance life, children, service, grace, dignity, and obedience. I know he isn't interested in controlling me. He has his hands full with problems at work, and like me, he offers service to others who need help. On top of which, I don't want to be controlled.

Instead, Beloved helps me create goals and purpose, both day-to-day and long-term. I adore him for that! He helps me balance life's demands and reminds me when I am losing my grace. He nudges me when I falter and encourages me to learn complaisance when I stumble.