We are all guilty of petty insults. Some of these get blown up and out of proportion by a grudge factor, and what should have been a minor scuffle becomes a rift in time and space.
In her "Innocence Maintained," Jewel write, to be forgiven, we must first believe in sin. Can I forgive someone for something they don't believe is wrong? Or something that really wasn't their fault? Or something that I had a significant role in? Harder still, can I truly forgive the trespasses against me? Can I forgive, and mean it in the core of myself?*sigh* There is a decision that Beloved and I made years ago that has become a chaffing bitter agony, and I want to forgive it. I want to make it better, but I don't know how. In March, 2006 he was offered a position in an entrepreneur. It was headed by the guy who brought bar code scanners into grocery stores, and held challenge and promise. We were hopeful...convinced?...that if it did what was expected, it would set us up for life. It came with an immediate salary over mine. I told him to go for it.
That decision reversed our roles for life.
Instead of following a career in politics and policy, I became a suburban stay-at-home mom. Over the years, I have fallen further and further from involvement or even interest in the comings and goings. I have lost nearly all my contacts and my most recent references would probably have to pause and think...who? Oh...yeah...um...sure, she did a good job...
Years of schooling, multiple degrees and certifications, published reports and authored bills...all gathering dust or buried under the laundry. It hurts...it hurts, it hurts, it hurts. My ideals shattered, my goals surrendered to foster my children's dreams. My confidence and cockiness melted down to nothing.
In my darkest moments, I hate Beloved for it.
He has risen like the sun in the company, achieving C-level titles, excellent references, awesome exposures. He has negotiated with Fortune 500 companies and collected praise for his innovative approaches in everything...from software prototypes to managing unmanageable people. He has never shirked from home duties. He is a fantastic father, a loving husband, a devoted man. He is the one you want when you are in a pickle barrel.
In my darkest moments, I hate him for that, too.
It isn't his fault. I had equal say in the decision to leave my career. I insisted on the values of a stay-at-home parent. I investigated homeschooling and park district classes and opportunities and exposure for the kids. They are strong-willed, smart, creative, and empathetic individuals. They are the future, and they are my magnum opus.
When we started on this journey of parenting, we did so with open eyes and reasonable planning. Nonetheless, there is no way of knowing how absolutely life-changing children are. Beloved and I both have struggled with the challenges, regretted and resented the responsibilities we accepted. It is a partnership, though. Always, it is a partnership.
In my darkest moments, I forget that. I need to forgive Beloved for something he never did. I need to forgive him for my reminiscing, my present frustrations, and my uncertain future. I need to forgive him for myself.
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