Prompting

The usual report...it's been really rough around the edges lately. *sigh* Another round of manic energy. Another blow-up with Beloved that had us both in tears. Another desperate review of life that ended with no answers. I wish I could just hibernate until spring.

Since I can't and I need something besides blahs to focus on, I'm pulling up the old prompting again.

I've done this one before, but the truth bears repeating because it changes.

Something I Hate About Myself
Right now, the something that is most hurtful, most detrimental to progress is my reliance on others for a sense of value. It isn't that I lack for people who cheer me on, but that I hear the negative comments more loudly than the positive ones. Worse, I hold on to those negative comments, clinging to them as proof that I am worthless. Even comments made in jest and misinterpreted by ME can scar my spirit and fester in my soul.

I don't know how to stop this...how to let go of the echoes...how to forgive myself and make peace with my imperfection. I can't be everything to everyone.

This might be my child-self still trying to negotiate for my mom to get better: "if I am good enough, then she'll get better." Maybe, despite everything that had happened, part of me is still hoping for that promise. I don't know how to reconcile that. What do you say to an 8-year old kid who is desperate for a miracle? What do you say to a 36-year old woman who cries because she doesn't believe in the Tooth Fairy any more?

I want to believe. I want to have faith that it WILL get better. If only I knew what I had to do...if only I made everyone happy...if only I was enough...