"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light , not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be
brilliant,
gorgeous,
talented,
fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of god.
Your playing small doesn't serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We were born to make and manifest the glory of god that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
~ Marianne Williamson
That was read at the opening of SJW. I can't honestly say what it was Beloved said this morning that made me recall the poem, but it was something similar. That my submission isn't for anyone else...it is for ME. And that I have the right to say what I will submit to...where I will shine. He also firmly pointed out that I'm just working through subdrop. heh. JUST.
I've been sick several times this morning...really unpleasant since I'd taken Boy to the mall so he could play. Seriously, public rest rooms are the worst place to be sick.
One of the other SJW-ers wrote about being drained. Yeah...that too. I'm trying not to feel bitter, but I feel like everyone around me saw SJW as a vacation...hell, I looked at it that way before I left...but it was hard hard work and I'm worn out. I'd give a lot to have one day to myself...no doctor appointments to rush to, no chores, no company...just quiet sleep and recovery. I just don't know how to make that happen.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Once more into the breech dear friends
I thought I was finally figuring things out. I thought I had found a place of acceptance and comfort. I thought...maybe...for once...I had an answer.
*sigh* I'm afraid I'm going to bore you with the details of my day...but since everything snowballed, you'll just have to sift through it.
The day began with me being sick. Unpleasant, but not that unusual, and it's the day I go in for acupuncture. Still, it's no fun to start out throwing up and nauseous. I managed a glass of milk before Beloved left, and he asked that I see to a thorough dusting, our bathroom, and picking up the bedroom. I added on laundry, mostly because *I* was out of clean unders, and dinner because I'd already signed up for it. I also needed to hit the bank and the store. It's a lot, given that I was going to lose the afternoon to a doctor's appointment, and I knew it. Still, I was confident I could do it.
I spent the morning chatting online with Sir and playing cars with Boy while running the first two loads of laundry. My first stumbling block came up when Sir said he'd like to see the protocols I'd learned at the retreat. Um...protocols??? I didn't learn any...that wasn't one of the classes I'd attended, and really, I'm not all that interested in such things. It's a major reason I avoid religion, too. But...but Sir wants to teach me protocols. I expressed my concerns, he was adamant that the protocols be made my own Pixie self's... Okay...I can give it my best. We'll discuss what he wants and I'll figure out how to make it work...
By the time I signed off, I knew I was going to have to get seriously focused. I got Boy packed up and to his friends' house for the afternoon, got home at 11:30, and floundered. What did Beloved mean by a "thorough dusting"? Had I not done a good job last week? Instead of second-guessing, I shot off a request for clarification and went upstairs...the bathroom was easy, and while the bedroom was intimidating, I at least knew what was needed there.
I was reasonably happy with the state of things there by 12:10. I was feeling very shaky and jittery, almost nauseous. I tried some cereal and lost it, but felt better for that. I caught Beloved at 12:20 and he clarified what he wanted and agreed to watch Boy in the evening so I could do the bank and store then... Okay. It was 12:30. One hour...dusting, dinner, a shower, move laundry, and get out of here.
Except for the shower, I actually managed to do it, and I was quite satisfied with the accomplishments...Even called Beloved and told him so!
Traffic was awful. My regular doctor is on vacation, so I was seeing someone who didn't know precisely what points I got, and I wasn't in the usual room I got treatment. It happens...but I got my needles, it will be okay. Traffic was worse heading home, though, in part because of thunderstorms...
I was listening to NPR and pondering the differences between title-holding submissives and serving politicians and remember Master Gallad's comment about serving a philosophy or the Universe... Complicated thoughts, but of the three, the last is closest to what I'd like. How does the prayer go? "Make me an instrument of Your peace..."? To bad I can't really buy into religion...I question too much.
I picked up Boy, got home, moved laundry again, and had the table set and dinner ALMOST done by the time the guys got in from work. See? SEE?!? I CAN DO THIS! We ate dinner, I scooted off to the bank and store, got home, put everything away...
The house was quiet, so I stole a few minutes to check e-mail, but I was promptly "caught" when Boy and Beloved came downstairs looking for a snack before bed. Beloved gave me a wonderful backrub while Boy ate cheese. When they decided to play a little bit, logged into chat to check in with Sir...which lasted about 5 minutes. Boy declared he wanted me to tuck him in as Beloved took him upstairs...I signed off, but by the time I got upstairs, the lights were off, Boy was tucked in, and I upset everything by coming in...
I grabbed the laundry basket, gave Boy a kiss, and was tsk-ed out of the room by Beloved to the tears of Boy. Not so good... I moved laundry again, and was in the bedroom starting to fold it when Beloved came in. Without a word, he took what I'd started, tossed it back in the basket, and set the baskets on the floor. Then he told me to get on the bed, kneeling, with my hands behind my neck.
He then told me to put my head down and gave me a pretty mild spanking, telling me it was simply because he wanted to. I was gritting my teeth already...perhaps that's the warning sign I need to look for...and he told me to flip over and spread my legs. He told me to count as he licked my pussy. I was tight-fisting the blanket and wished he'd just fuck me and leave me alone... Then he told me I didn't have to count, continued teasing me, but began talking.
How he loved my pussy. How he loved the sight, the taste, the feel...
*shakes head* Remember, I skipped my shower to get everything else done? On top of which, I've NEVER been comfortable receiving...
I just started crying. What kind of submissive can't submit to RECEIVING??? I just wanted it to be over. I was tired, I'd worked to hard to get everything done, why wasn't that enough, why do I have to learn protocols, why can I never be enough to satisfy Beloved or Sir just the way I am, am I so worthless and stubborn and stupid... I spiraled out of control pretty fast, and it took over an hour of Beloved holding me, reassuring me... He scolded me for not safewording, or at least telling him "yellow light", but at what point do you know when to do that? At what point is it no longer "safe"? I was calm enough to talk to him, and finally we got under the covers, and he was snoring lightly...
I'm not crying now...but I had to get up and write. I can't let it go. I want to throw everything out...the SJW book, the experiences, the collars, the submission, my life as it currently stands. I just can't do it. I don't have any answers, I'm not any closer to balance and acceptance, I'm just a nothing.
Take all the traits that are undesirable, roll them into a ball, and you've got ME. Argumentative, complaining, sick, unbalanced, whining, insecure...
Okay, I lied. I AM crying. I really wanted this past weekend to change me. I really thought that I'd found a magical place of confidence inside myself and that it was all going to be BETTER now. So much for transformation. I'm right back in the puddle I started in.
*sigh* I'm afraid I'm going to bore you with the details of my day...but since everything snowballed, you'll just have to sift through it.
The day began with me being sick. Unpleasant, but not that unusual, and it's the day I go in for acupuncture. Still, it's no fun to start out throwing up and nauseous. I managed a glass of milk before Beloved left, and he asked that I see to a thorough dusting, our bathroom, and picking up the bedroom. I added on laundry, mostly because *I* was out of clean unders, and dinner because I'd already signed up for it. I also needed to hit the bank and the store. It's a lot, given that I was going to lose the afternoon to a doctor's appointment, and I knew it. Still, I was confident I could do it.
I spent the morning chatting online with Sir and playing cars with Boy while running the first two loads of laundry. My first stumbling block came up when Sir said he'd like to see the protocols I'd learned at the retreat. Um...protocols??? I didn't learn any...that wasn't one of the classes I'd attended, and really, I'm not all that interested in such things. It's a major reason I avoid religion, too. But...but Sir wants to teach me protocols. I expressed my concerns, he was adamant that the protocols be made my own Pixie self's... Okay...I can give it my best. We'll discuss what he wants and I'll figure out how to make it work...
By the time I signed off, I knew I was going to have to get seriously focused. I got Boy packed up and to his friends' house for the afternoon, got home at 11:30, and floundered. What did Beloved mean by a "thorough dusting"? Had I not done a good job last week? Instead of second-guessing, I shot off a request for clarification and went upstairs...the bathroom was easy, and while the bedroom was intimidating, I at least knew what was needed there.
I was reasonably happy with the state of things there by 12:10. I was feeling very shaky and jittery, almost nauseous. I tried some cereal and lost it, but felt better for that. I caught Beloved at 12:20 and he clarified what he wanted and agreed to watch Boy in the evening so I could do the bank and store then... Okay. It was 12:30. One hour...dusting, dinner, a shower, move laundry, and get out of here.
Except for the shower, I actually managed to do it, and I was quite satisfied with the accomplishments...Even called Beloved and told him so!
Traffic was awful. My regular doctor is on vacation, so I was seeing someone who didn't know precisely what points I got, and I wasn't in the usual room I got treatment. It happens...but I got my needles, it will be okay. Traffic was worse heading home, though, in part because of thunderstorms...
I was listening to NPR and pondering the differences between title-holding submissives and serving politicians and remember Master Gallad's comment about serving a philosophy or the Universe... Complicated thoughts, but of the three, the last is closest to what I'd like. How does the prayer go? "Make me an instrument of Your peace..."? To bad I can't really buy into religion...I question too much.
I picked up Boy, got home, moved laundry again, and had the table set and dinner ALMOST done by the time the guys got in from work. See? SEE?!? I CAN DO THIS! We ate dinner, I scooted off to the bank and store, got home, put everything away...
The house was quiet, so I stole a few minutes to check e-mail, but I was promptly "caught" when Boy and Beloved came downstairs looking for a snack before bed. Beloved gave me a wonderful backrub while Boy ate cheese. When they decided to play a little bit, logged into chat to check in with Sir...which lasted about 5 minutes. Boy declared he wanted me to tuck him in as Beloved took him upstairs...I signed off, but by the time I got upstairs, the lights were off, Boy was tucked in, and I upset everything by coming in...
I grabbed the laundry basket, gave Boy a kiss, and was tsk-ed out of the room by Beloved to the tears of Boy. Not so good... I moved laundry again, and was in the bedroom starting to fold it when Beloved came in. Without a word, he took what I'd started, tossed it back in the basket, and set the baskets on the floor. Then he told me to get on the bed, kneeling, with my hands behind my neck.
He then told me to put my head down and gave me a pretty mild spanking, telling me it was simply because he wanted to. I was gritting my teeth already...perhaps that's the warning sign I need to look for...and he told me to flip over and spread my legs. He told me to count as he licked my pussy. I was tight-fisting the blanket and wished he'd just fuck me and leave me alone... Then he told me I didn't have to count, continued teasing me, but began talking.
How he loved my pussy. How he loved the sight, the taste, the feel...
*shakes head* Remember, I skipped my shower to get everything else done? On top of which, I've NEVER been comfortable receiving...
I just started crying. What kind of submissive can't submit to RECEIVING??? I just wanted it to be over. I was tired, I'd worked to hard to get everything done, why wasn't that enough, why do I have to learn protocols, why can I never be enough to satisfy Beloved or Sir just the way I am, am I so worthless and stubborn and stupid... I spiraled out of control pretty fast, and it took over an hour of Beloved holding me, reassuring me... He scolded me for not safewording, or at least telling him "yellow light", but at what point do you know when to do that? At what point is it no longer "safe"? I was calm enough to talk to him, and finally we got under the covers, and he was snoring lightly...
I'm not crying now...but I had to get up and write. I can't let it go. I want to throw everything out...the SJW book, the experiences, the collars, the submission, my life as it currently stands. I just can't do it. I don't have any answers, I'm not any closer to balance and acceptance, I'm just a nothing.
Take all the traits that are undesirable, roll them into a ball, and you've got ME. Argumentative, complaining, sick, unbalanced, whining, insecure...
Okay, I lied. I AM crying. I really wanted this past weekend to change me. I really thought that I'd found a magical place of confidence inside myself and that it was all going to be BETTER now. So much for transformation. I'm right back in the puddle I started in.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Home Safe...
I attended the Submissive Journey Weeknend and I'm home safe.
It was seriously intense. I have never felt so accepted or acceptable in a group before. I have some journaling to type up and share about the details of classes and such, but I think I'm going to have a lot of processing to do about my experiences, thoughts, and feelings.
edit...I've put the first couple of entries up beneath this post...
It was seriously intense. I have never felt so accepted or acceptable in a group before. I have some journaling to type up and share about the details of classes and such, but I think I'm going to have a lot of processing to do about my experiences, thoughts, and feelings.
edit...I've put the first couple of entries up beneath this post...
SJW: Day 3
Having been up waaaaaay to late the night before, getting up at 7:30 am was not fun, but there was WORK to be done! It was the last day of the retreat, and today we had to clear everything and pack up. We stripped the bedding and collected the towels for laundering and packed up all our personal gear before heading upstairs for breakfast.
Everyone was pretty subdued from lack of sleep and not wanting to say goodbye. Once again, I managed to get kitchen work (I think part of it was people not wanting me climbing stairs...hehe). At one point, I used my voice projection to get the attention of everyone for a last call on food, and actually got applause for my "hidden" ability to be heard (thank you, rally work!). Once breakfast was cleared, we sat down for our last group meeting.
It was noticeably different from the first. About half of the group was sprawled out on the floor instead of sitting rigidly in chairs. Hair and clothes were less "first impression" neat. It wasn't just me...it was obvious that everyone was more comfortable in this space.
The meeting started with slave ziggy saying there wasn't time to go around to everyone, but on the first day, he had asked us each for three words to introduce ourselves and three words to describe our state of mind. He asked for volunteers...had the three words describing your state of mind changed? It had for many people, and I wasn't the only crying. It sort of dissolved into general comments, applause and thanks for the staff, for each other. I told everyone that for the first time, I really felt like I'd come home. Another gal expressed fear of leaving, of losing this new family, and I soooo understood what she meant. We were all also warned about subdrop over the next day, week, month as we continued to process the retreat.
As part of this graduation, each of us was presented with a certificate.
When handing mine to me, slave ziggy hugged me and whispered that I'd done well. I know that each participant got some sort of special thought from him, but it still meant a lot. I'm still in awe of his composition and balance.
When all the certificates were handed out, the DenMother said, "We have 45 submissives and 20 minutes...can we clean this place top to bottom?" There was laughter, and someone yelled out "So you want us to take our time? Stretch it out?" More laughter, and we set to work.
I don't know how the rest of the chores went, but the kitchen was a little daunting. There was so much left over!!! A lot was set out for people to claim, either for the drive home or to take home to families. Given I was flying, I couldn't take much, and Beloved wants to throttle me for bring the one thing of Oreo cookies home as it is. *grin*
After that, there was a lot of standing around in the parking lot, saying goodbye. No one wanted to be the first to leave, but I'd promised to get one of my carpoolers to the airport pretty early...we ended up being the first out.
Of course, the roads in the Smokey Mountains hate me. I'm not sure HOW we pulled it off (Twilight Zone???) but we managed to make a complete circle of the scenic drive through the mountains and after an hour, ended up right back where we started! There's something about pixie-magic...it works with a precision I don't always appreciate: When we had left, we had about one extra hour. I'd said outloud we needed to be at the airport at 1 pm. We did actually pull into the rental return at 12:57 pm. How's that for precision? *laughs* None of us minded all that much...it was a pretty drive and good company, and it all worked out perfectly.
We got checked in and then got some food to wait for our individual boarding calls. *laughs* We weren't exactly bashful about talking about submission, our Sirs, etc. I noticed a few very curious (trying not to be obvious) listeners, and that was fun.
Beloved and Boy picked me up at the airport right on time, and I couldn't stop crying. It's hard to explain why...still! I'm so grateful for the experience, for Beloved's love, for Sir's attentions. I wish I knew how to express it better...
The last day and a half of being home HAVE been hard. Yes, there's the subdrop...the emotional rollercoaster and confusion of getting back to regular life...both Beloved and Sir have wanted to have important conversations about our relationship, and that's been really challenging. I'm definitely fighting with sleep deprivation as well...
All told, SJW was an amazing experience!!! I'm sure there will be lots more to write about in the coming days, weeks, months...far from over, I've only just begun!
Everyone was pretty subdued from lack of sleep and not wanting to say goodbye. Once again, I managed to get kitchen work (I think part of it was people not wanting me climbing stairs...hehe). At one point, I used my voice projection to get the attention of everyone for a last call on food, and actually got applause for my "hidden" ability to be heard (thank you, rally work!). Once breakfast was cleared, we sat down for our last group meeting.
It was noticeably different from the first. About half of the group was sprawled out on the floor instead of sitting rigidly in chairs. Hair and clothes were less "first impression" neat. It wasn't just me...it was obvious that everyone was more comfortable in this space.
The meeting started with slave ziggy saying there wasn't time to go around to everyone, but on the first day, he had asked us each for three words to introduce ourselves and three words to describe our state of mind. He asked for volunteers...had the three words describing your state of mind changed? It had for many people, and I wasn't the only crying. It sort of dissolved into general comments, applause and thanks for the staff, for each other. I told everyone that for the first time, I really felt like I'd come home. Another gal expressed fear of leaving, of losing this new family, and I soooo understood what she meant. We were all also warned about subdrop over the next day, week, month as we continued to process the retreat.
As part of this graduation, each of us was presented with a certificate.
When handing mine to me, slave ziggy hugged me and whispered that I'd done well. I know that each participant got some sort of special thought from him, but it still meant a lot. I'm still in awe of his composition and balance.
When all the certificates were handed out, the DenMother said, "We have 45 submissives and 20 minutes...can we clean this place top to bottom?" There was laughter, and someone yelled out "So you want us to take our time? Stretch it out?" More laughter, and we set to work.
I don't know how the rest of the chores went, but the kitchen was a little daunting. There was so much left over!!! A lot was set out for people to claim, either for the drive home or to take home to families. Given I was flying, I couldn't take much, and Beloved wants to throttle me for bring the one thing of Oreo cookies home as it is. *grin*
After that, there was a lot of standing around in the parking lot, saying goodbye. No one wanted to be the first to leave, but I'd promised to get one of my carpoolers to the airport pretty early...we ended up being the first out.
Of course, the roads in the Smokey Mountains hate me. I'm not sure HOW we pulled it off (Twilight Zone???) but we managed to make a complete circle of the scenic drive through the mountains and after an hour, ended up right back where we started! There's something about pixie-magic...it works with a precision I don't always appreciate: When we had left, we had about one extra hour. I'd said outloud we needed to be at the airport at 1 pm. We did actually pull into the rental return at 12:57 pm. How's that for precision? *laughs* None of us minded all that much...it was a pretty drive and good company, and it all worked out perfectly.
We got checked in and then got some food to wait for our individual boarding calls. *laughs* We weren't exactly bashful about talking about submission, our Sirs, etc. I noticed a few very curious (trying not to be obvious) listeners, and that was fun.
Beloved and Boy picked me up at the airport right on time, and I couldn't stop crying. It's hard to explain why...still! I'm so grateful for the experience, for Beloved's love, for Sir's attentions. I wish I knew how to express it better...
The last day and a half of being home HAVE been hard. Yes, there's the subdrop...the emotional rollercoaster and confusion of getting back to regular life...both Beloved and Sir have wanted to have important conversations about our relationship, and that's been really challenging. I'm definitely fighting with sleep deprivation as well...
All told, SJW was an amazing experience!!! I'm sure there will be lots more to write about in the coming days, weeks, months...far from over, I've only just begun!
Monday, May 4, 2009
SJW: Day 2
It's been a good day. You can tell that by the fact that it's 1 AM and I spent the last four hours laughing, playing cards, sharing stories, and BELONGING. I'm overwhelmed with how amazing this has been!
AND this is despite the HG. I was sick first thing this morning and violently ill just before supper. It was bad enough that although I was one of 6 names pulled for the erotic massage class (out of 30-40?), I simply could not do it today. That is how amazing the day has been.
My first class was Invoking the Power of Others. It wasn't what I expected. Instead it was a process of identifying what traits an "excellent" submissive would have. After that, select 10 that you really want to work on. Mine included:
Mallible Confident Balanced Joyful Healthy Transparent Open to Criticim Friendly Articulate Gracious
The hard part was then to identify one person, living or dead, who exemplified that trait. Consider them, observe them, talk to them, read about them, etc. When challenged, ask the "What Would "Exmplifier" Do?" I haven't been able to complete my list yet...it's harder than you'd think.
The next class was intense...Finding and Maintaining Fulfillment in Submission. Bits and pieces from the class -
* what draws me to submission? In my life, I need outside validation that I am of value. While so much of my service is done out of necessity, I need the reassurance that it is done well and appreciated, that it does in fact make a difference. When I was working, I had more tangible examples...published opinions in the newspaper, impact on a Senator's vote, improved statistics for applications we pushed through into actual healthcare for the uninsured. Now...? Being a stay-at-home mother shrank my world. I've been stretching it out with organizing local groups, but I don't understand how to measure the impacts I have with FVP or drum circle or the DOM or 8 loads of laundry and scrubbing baseboards. I've claimed "submissive" in order to gleen the notice of my work.
* I crave for things to make sense. As a child, so much of my life didn't make sense. My mom's illness and death. My father's alcoholism. Being raped. My sisters' health issues. I can take an awful lot, and I can give an awful lot, but only if I understand WHY. If the reason is simply that it pleases you, okay...but I need to know that.
*Why stay in the lifestyle? Although I need understanding and control, I also long to be free, to let go of my organization and rigid standards. I will fight this, but I'm desperate to experience a simple life. Give me permission to be my child PIXIE self.
*I am the steward of my own truth. I need to learn to cultivate my sense of self and embrace myself. This conflicts with my earlier desire to be mallible. I need to resolve this dichotomy.
*Perhaps this cannot work with love. OUCH! The questions presented made sense..."How often do you love your boss? How often does your boss love you?" Beloved and I are approaching D/s after 11 years of very close, very loving marriage. Sir and I love each other already. Can my submission work within those constructs? Something to consider in my hopes and expectations of a D/s relationship.
Lunch was spent in VERBAL silence, which I found slightly amusing compared to the Noble Silence of Vipassana. *shrug* My team was responsible for clean up afterwards, and it was easy easy. Two people worked the kitchen, two people collected garbage, and two people walked through the public areas and collected miscellaneous stuff. I got the kitchen, and it was mostly just putting leftovers away and wiping tables. Funny how smoothly things go with willing service submissives.
Class after lunch was on Polyamory. Unfortunately, I didn't learn as much as I'd hoped to. I was the only person in a relationship with two Dominants, and probably had more experience coaching poly exploration due to my work with FVP. I did learn some new terms, like "polycule" and there were some reading suggestions I'd like to follow up with (in all my free time).
By Mentoring and Leadership, I was starting to feel sick. I still asked questions and made notes. "Mentoring" has the ultimate goal of shaping one's skills, attitudes, thoughts, and behaviors. Sometimes (often?) it is better to have a like-mentor: submissive-submissive, for example. Avoid confusing the relationship with sex or play services.
My complaints - I haven't met ANY service-oriented people that I know of. The club, the parties, the munches have all be reflective of sex and play. Hard questions: Why can't I find others I could consider as a mentor? Do I come off as snobbish, do I not know enough people, do I not ask clearly enough?
Combining these rankling thoughts with my growing nausea did me in. I tried laying down, but I lost lunch and was left sobbing and aching. I managed to clean up, ask that some supper be saved for me, and walked down the fill searching for a cell signal. I managed to talk to Beloved and Boy for a few minutes before they disappeared. I felt a little better, but sat against a tree and wept for a while. One of my roommates came and found me and helped me back to the lodge. I laid down and slept through the last session.
I heard when classes were over and debated on getting up. I wanted to remain quiet, to hide. I was embarrassed about getting sick and just wanted to be left alone...but I also knew that was impossible. At the very least, I shared the room with six others and they would come to check on me, so I dragged myself upstairs. I was greeted and hugged and just...loved. We have been here together for 30 hours, and I was known and missed. I was a part of the family.
More than that...this retreat has been an affirmation. I've wavered about my submission for months...I've been TOLD I wasn't submissive. I've been lost and floundering, and this Submissive Journey Weekend changed that. While the details may be different, the core is the same with each one of us here. I fit in here. It's no longer a question in my head. I am a submissive. Now the real work begins.
How can I find the details that fit my life as a submissive?
How can this work in my everyday world?
AND this is despite the HG. I was sick first thing this morning and violently ill just before supper. It was bad enough that although I was one of 6 names pulled for the erotic massage class (out of 30-40?), I simply could not do it today. That is how amazing the day has been.
My first class was Invoking the Power of Others. It wasn't what I expected. Instead it was a process of identifying what traits an "excellent" submissive would have. After that, select 10 that you really want to work on. Mine included:
Mallible Confident Balanced Joyful Healthy Transparent Open to Criticim Friendly Articulate Gracious
The hard part was then to identify one person, living or dead, who exemplified that trait. Consider them, observe them, talk to them, read about them, etc. When challenged, ask the "What Would "Exmplifier" Do?" I haven't been able to complete my list yet...it's harder than you'd think.
The next class was intense...Finding and Maintaining Fulfillment in Submission. Bits and pieces from the class -
* what draws me to submission? In my life, I need outside validation that I am of value. While so much of my service is done out of necessity, I need the reassurance that it is done well and appreciated, that it does in fact make a difference. When I was working, I had more tangible examples...published opinions in the newspaper, impact on a Senator's vote, improved statistics for applications we pushed through into actual healthcare for the uninsured. Now...? Being a stay-at-home mother shrank my world. I've been stretching it out with organizing local groups, but I don't understand how to measure the impacts I have with FVP or drum circle or the DOM or 8 loads of laundry and scrubbing baseboards. I've claimed "submissive" in order to gleen the notice of my work.
* I crave for things to make sense. As a child, so much of my life didn't make sense. My mom's illness and death. My father's alcoholism. Being raped. My sisters' health issues. I can take an awful lot, and I can give an awful lot, but only if I understand WHY. If the reason is simply that it pleases you, okay...but I need to know that.
*Why stay in the lifestyle? Although I need understanding and control, I also long to be free, to let go of my organization and rigid standards. I will fight this, but I'm desperate to experience a simple life. Give me permission to be my child PIXIE self.
*I am the steward of my own truth. I need to learn to cultivate my sense of self and embrace myself. This conflicts with my earlier desire to be mallible. I need to resolve this dichotomy.
*Perhaps this cannot work with love. OUCH! The questions presented made sense..."How often do you love your boss? How often does your boss love you?" Beloved and I are approaching D/s after 11 years of very close, very loving marriage. Sir and I love each other already. Can my submission work within those constructs? Something to consider in my hopes and expectations of a D/s relationship.
Lunch was spent in VERBAL silence, which I found slightly amusing compared to the Noble Silence of Vipassana. *shrug* My team was responsible for clean up afterwards, and it was easy easy. Two people worked the kitchen, two people collected garbage, and two people walked through the public areas and collected miscellaneous stuff. I got the kitchen, and it was mostly just putting leftovers away and wiping tables. Funny how smoothly things go with willing service submissives.
Class after lunch was on Polyamory. Unfortunately, I didn't learn as much as I'd hoped to. I was the only person in a relationship with two Dominants, and probably had more experience coaching poly exploration due to my work with FVP. I did learn some new terms, like "polycule" and there were some reading suggestions I'd like to follow up with (in all my free time).
By Mentoring and Leadership, I was starting to feel sick. I still asked questions and made notes. "Mentoring" has the ultimate goal of shaping one's skills, attitudes, thoughts, and behaviors. Sometimes (often?) it is better to have a like-mentor: submissive-submissive, for example. Avoid confusing the relationship with sex or play services.
My complaints - I haven't met ANY service-oriented people that I know of. The club, the parties, the munches have all be reflective of sex and play. Hard questions: Why can't I find others I could consider as a mentor? Do I come off as snobbish, do I not know enough people, do I not ask clearly enough?
Combining these rankling thoughts with my growing nausea did me in. I tried laying down, but I lost lunch and was left sobbing and aching. I managed to clean up, ask that some supper be saved for me, and walked down the fill searching for a cell signal. I managed to talk to Beloved and Boy for a few minutes before they disappeared. I felt a little better, but sat against a tree and wept for a while. One of my roommates came and found me and helped me back to the lodge. I laid down and slept through the last session.
I heard when classes were over and debated on getting up. I wanted to remain quiet, to hide. I was embarrassed about getting sick and just wanted to be left alone...but I also knew that was impossible. At the very least, I shared the room with six others and they would come to check on me, so I dragged myself upstairs. I was greeted and hugged and just...loved. We have been here together for 30 hours, and I was known and missed. I was a part of the family.
More than that...this retreat has been an affirmation. I've wavered about my submission for months...I've been TOLD I wasn't submissive. I've been lost and floundering, and this Submissive Journey Weekend changed that. While the details may be different, the core is the same with each one of us here. I fit in here. It's no longer a question in my head. I am a submissive. Now the real work begins.
How can I find the details that fit my life as a submissive?
How can this work in my everyday world?
SJW: Day 1
I'm tired...but it's a relaxed, contented kind of tired and not the frantic tired that I was concerned about consuming me. So far, I have been at the Lodge for eight hours. There's been two discussions and once class. I'll get to those...
It's been pretty amazing how easy it's been. I'm speaking up and participating and only once have I felt like I might have over-stepped or made a fool of myself. It's been a little challenging not to TOUCH...I don't know what the rules are about touching and have held back. I miss the touch, though...the physical contact. Despite that, it does feel a little like family, which is odd and amazing and confusing. *soft smile* Why can't I accept myself the way these people have accepted me?
The first discussion was on rules of the Lodge. It was very much the standard spcheal. The discussion on "Submission in the 21st Century" was spirited. We talked about misconceptions, about confronting behaviors we find appalling, about labels, roles, complexity. The biggest "Take Home" for me was the question:
"Are you happy with the results you are getting?"
For me? No, the house isn't always up to my standards. Yes, I struggle with my intense desire to understand (unravel?) Sir. Yes, I want to be all thing to all people and batter my head when I fail to fulfill every possible (and imagined) desire of those around me. Yes, I long for Beloved's collar...to that symbol of his approval.
But in the BIG PICTURE? I think I am happy with the results. It's not perfect, but it is real.
"Personal Service" was less than I expected. We discussed sensual vs. non-sensual service, lifestyle vs. vanilla service (deciding quickly there's no real difference), the importance of communication and saying NO and being honest about abilities and feelings. This was where I monopolized the discussion and felt a little foolish for it...I talked about how I'd tried to hide my postpartum depression and ended up forcibly committed. It was a rather dramatic example of how not being transparent can really catch up. *sigh*
I think my "Take Home" is more from the blatant similarities - not in the details but in the basic ideas of what service is. I'm not alone in my desire to serve Beloved and Sir and others in non-BDSM ways! WOW!
Other random bits -
I'm having an intense SWEET craving and have nothing of my own to salve it. I've been offered all kids of junk food, but I'm naturally denying myself. Stick to my strengths, right?
I've been threatened with death if I go into labor here. *grin* It's entirely sweet and embarrassing how much others have cared and/or taken care of me...Total strangers...what have I done to deserve it?!?
Finding a quiet, lighted, seated space to write was a little challenging. I'm sorta wishing for the laptop and grateful I don't have it. Like the Vipassana, not having that distraction is a good thing.
With that, I think I'm going to go lay down. I'm not quite ready for SLEEP, but rest is desperately needed!
It's been pretty amazing how easy it's been. I'm speaking up and participating and only once have I felt like I might have over-stepped or made a fool of myself. It's been a little challenging not to TOUCH...I don't know what the rules are about touching and have held back. I miss the touch, though...the physical contact. Despite that, it does feel a little like family, which is odd and amazing and confusing. *soft smile* Why can't I accept myself the way these people have accepted me?
The first discussion was on rules of the Lodge. It was very much the standard spcheal. The discussion on "Submission in the 21st Century" was spirited. We talked about misconceptions, about confronting behaviors we find appalling, about labels, roles, complexity. The biggest "Take Home" for me was the question:
"Are you happy with the results you are getting?"
For me? No, the house isn't always up to my standards. Yes, I struggle with my intense desire to understand (unravel?) Sir. Yes, I want to be all thing to all people and batter my head when I fail to fulfill every possible (and imagined) desire of those around me. Yes, I long for Beloved's collar...to that symbol of his approval.
But in the BIG PICTURE? I think I am happy with the results. It's not perfect, but it is real.
"Personal Service" was less than I expected. We discussed sensual vs. non-sensual service, lifestyle vs. vanilla service (deciding quickly there's no real difference), the importance of communication and saying NO and being honest about abilities and feelings. This was where I monopolized the discussion and felt a little foolish for it...I talked about how I'd tried to hide my postpartum depression and ended up forcibly committed. It was a rather dramatic example of how not being transparent can really catch up. *sigh*
I think my "Take Home" is more from the blatant similarities - not in the details but in the basic ideas of what service is. I'm not alone in my desire to serve Beloved and Sir and others in non-BDSM ways! WOW!
Other random bits -
I'm having an intense SWEET craving and have nothing of my own to salve it. I've been offered all kids of junk food, but I'm naturally denying myself. Stick to my strengths, right?
I've been threatened with death if I go into labor here. *grin* It's entirely sweet and embarrassing how much others have cared and/or taken care of me...Total strangers...what have I done to deserve it?!?
Finding a quiet, lighted, seated space to write was a little challenging. I'm sorta wishing for the laptop and grateful I don't have it. Like the Vipassana, not having that distraction is a good thing.
With that, I think I'm going to go lay down. I'm not quite ready for SLEEP, but rest is desperately needed!
Friday, May 1, 2009
DD_ss Discussion: Anticipatory Service
Anticipatory service is the service that you provide or is provided for you in advance of being asked for. Is part of your service to your owner an anticipatory service?
A great deal of my service to Beloved is anticipatory. I suppose it's rather “1950's” style service...I don't usually need directions on maintaining the house or bills. I also don't wait for direction to seek out D/s learning opportunities...these I present when I find things I believe might be of interest to him...or I even create them, as is the case with the DOM.
I don't consider much of my service to Sir to be anticipatory...yet. I'm still trying to figure out where my SERVICE might fit in that relationship. Once I have identified a need, I try to attend to it, but I still need to discuss things with him before acting on them. An example is I recently found replacements for his couch and microwave.
Is there ever a time or place when this type of service is not appreciated or encouraged?
There have been discussions on FL about when anticipatory service can be construed as “Topping from the bottom”, but I think in general my services have been appreciated.
I have struggled with “being helpful” in scenes...perhaps that is an example of when it's not encouraged. There was a scene with Sir in which he dropped one of the cuffs...without thinking about it, I picked it up and offered it to him, but got scolded for it. I'm not used to waiting to be helpful.
I do this naturally and always have. I have an inner timer that rarely fails me ... I know when coffees need to be replenished, when a snack or an appetizer would be much appreciated or when my absolute attention and silence is needed.
I don't think that sex can be considered an anticipatory service because most men will most often always want sex in some form or the other . It took me years of research and practice but I finally figured that one out ...
In what ways do you anticipate your owner's needs?
Sort of a redundant question...With Beloved, I know when laundry needs doing, what groceries need purchasing, how he likes his tea. I develop a menu for the week and stick to it to keep our food bills in a budget. I keep track of the money flow and pay the bills. I maintain a calendar of important events and schedule appointments and occasional dates for him.
With Sir, like I mentioned, I'm still learning where I can be of service in the first place. The first time I spent the night, he told me to make coffee...the second time, I went ahead and made it while Sir showered. Still, it's a bit more of a challenge...I've been scolded and told to wait until asked to do something...
Do you do this on a regular basis?
Yes. It really doesn't matter if I'm in a D/s relationship or not...It's just something I do naturally for people around me...even those I'm not overly fond of.
Does this type of service in any way strengthen your relationship?
I think so...especially while I'm pregnant, it gives me an outlet for my submission, although really, I'm not much for the physical demands of BDSM anyway.
Is there ever a time when you are told to back down or stop?
*laughs* ALL THE TIME. I'm a perfectionist. On a few occasions, Beloved has restrained me to the bed to make me stop.
A great deal of my service to Beloved is anticipatory. I suppose it's rather “1950's” style service...I don't usually need directions on maintaining the house or bills. I also don't wait for direction to seek out D/s learning opportunities...these I present when I find things I believe might be of interest to him...or I even create them, as is the case with the DOM.
I don't consider much of my service to Sir to be anticipatory...yet. I'm still trying to figure out where my SERVICE might fit in that relationship. Once I have identified a need, I try to attend to it, but I still need to discuss things with him before acting on them. An example is I recently found replacements for his couch and microwave.
Is there ever a time or place when this type of service is not appreciated or encouraged?
There have been discussions on FL about when anticipatory service can be construed as “Topping from the bottom”, but I think in general my services have been appreciated.
I have struggled with “being helpful” in scenes...perhaps that is an example of when it's not encouraged. There was a scene with Sir in which he dropped one of the cuffs...without thinking about it, I picked it up and offered it to him, but got scolded for it. I'm not used to waiting to be helpful.
I do this naturally and always have. I have an inner timer that rarely fails me ... I know when coffees need to be replenished, when a snack or an appetizer would be much appreciated or when my absolute attention and silence is needed.
I don't think that sex can be considered an anticipatory service because most men will most often always want sex in some form or the other . It took me years of research and practice but I finally figured that one out ...
In what ways do you anticipate your owner's needs?
Sort of a redundant question...With Beloved, I know when laundry needs doing, what groceries need purchasing, how he likes his tea. I develop a menu for the week and stick to it to keep our food bills in a budget. I keep track of the money flow and pay the bills. I maintain a calendar of important events and schedule appointments and occasional dates for him.
With Sir, like I mentioned, I'm still learning where I can be of service in the first place. The first time I spent the night, he told me to make coffee...the second time, I went ahead and made it while Sir showered. Still, it's a bit more of a challenge...I've been scolded and told to wait until asked to do something...
Do you do this on a regular basis?
Yes. It really doesn't matter if I'm in a D/s relationship or not...It's just something I do naturally for people around me...even those I'm not overly fond of.
Does this type of service in any way strengthen your relationship?
I think so...especially while I'm pregnant, it gives me an outlet for my submission, although really, I'm not much for the physical demands of BDSM anyway.
Is there ever a time when you are told to back down or stop?
*laughs* ALL THE TIME. I'm a perfectionist. On a few occasions, Beloved has restrained me to the bed to make me stop.
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