the BAD as well as the good...

I had a rather round-robin chat with a friend yesterday. There's a possibility of rooming together, at least for a little while. Two things went round and round...the break in the D/s and the desire for a poly household.

He suggested coming over just to see how things were, and I begged off.


me:today isn't good....not now...I'm in a less than great mood at the moment
him: *smirks* Ok, I'll take that answer for now. But are you going to be able to hide those moods from us if we are living there?
me:*sigh* I've lived with people before. I find ways. I let it build and build and build until I crack.
him: It's not about finding ways to hide it, it's about finding ways to live with each other. You have always wanted a poly family. If this happens to turn out to be a long term situation, don't you think that we should be a part of the bad as well as the good?
me: I don't know what to tell you about being a part of the bad as well as the good. I don't let BELOVED see the bad very often.
him:Maybe you should


Show my bad side? *sigh* I'm an ungrateful wretch on the bad side. You wanna see?

I NEVER wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. It was never even a passing fantasy. Through the first four months of being pregnant, I was going back to work and Beloved was going to stay home. As it turned out, though, Beloved was offered a much better career move than I could ever hope for. We both agree that the values we hold are ones we want Boy raised with...so, I became the stay-at-home mom.

Being a housewife and mom kinda sucks. There is never a point where I can relax and feel like I have finished the day and I always feel like I'm failing at my "job". I brought the D/s idea up because I needed some sort of reassurance, some external guide to help me set priorities and feel like I was getting something done. I had hoped to find more satisfaction with my new life...a life of personal service and submission to the ones I love most.

Honestly, while Beloved is more careful about expressing his thanks for my getting something done, I don't feel like I'm any more successful. I feel like the D/s was....a hope, a fantasy, a pretty picture that I've tried to capture in real life and I can't do it. It all feels like a cheat and a letdown.

My friend argued: "It's still going to feel like too much if you are "just" a wife again."

*wry smile* maybe...but if I am "just" a wife again, I won't have to be making offers for service that I really don't want to make in the first place. Besides, who in their right mind would want an angry and resentful submissive?

*shrug* I warned you it wasn't pretty......