No...I haven't broken any rules. It's not the kind of trouble that will earn a punishment. It's inside my own head, and I'm feeling lost.
On Friday, Beloved tasked me to write him a letter, explaining how my life is under those new rules and how the new rituals have worked for me. I did...and the summation of the letter was "I am struggling". Not with the rules...those are merely a hardening of the boundaries we already had. They haven't changed a whole lot in my life.
It's the rituals that I struggle with. There seems to be no grey area between the sullen submission while in my mind "please please please just let me be...damn it!...he wants me to do something again..." or a feeling of self-righteousness because Beloved forgot and now has to go out of his way to be Dominant. There really hasn't been an in between.
Combine that struggle with what I read in other journals, and I feel utterly worthless and totally non-submissive. How can I complain about ironing or putting the camping gear away when other slaves are being uprooted, beaten, permanently marked? I mean, seriously...I'm such a BABY.
Last Friday, after reading my letter, Beloved told me to fetch the toybag, chained me. I tried to feel void, tried to just accept it, but he began spanking and flogging me and I just couldn't do it. I safeworded out within minutes. I threw away the gag, flung the blindfold away, and huddled in a corner, crying. I shoved him away the first time he came to me. I was DONE.
DONE. No more slave, no more spankings, no more bullshit. I can't DO IT.
Beloved finally cuddled me up, and took me to bed. We talked about it, and we are taking a break. I can't tell you how much of a relief it was...but at the same time, I ached for what I might lose. But it was the first time in months that we lay in bed and I felt like I could cling to him. I was an equal again. A partner. A wounded woman needing comfort which my husband could give.
This whole weekend, we have very carefully avoided M/s phrases, poses, situations. We haven't brought it up again directly, but it is boiling underneath. It will be a topic of a long discussion at some point soon.
Things that I want to remember...
1) It's been four weeks since the last spanking/beating, and months since the last one that I truly felt..."released"...afterwards. I rarely achieve anything more than ache anymore. I think the difference is the toys. Beloved has complained about the disconnect he feels, particularly with the flogger. I safeworded because I tried to lose myself in the submission and couldn't. I could not face the pain for nothing.
We adopted toys as we began playing in public...at club, with Halder, with Cole. Playing with others means there are expectations. I can take a lot, it isn't a competition. It should not matter what would impress others. It is about what Beloved wants and I need. We need to get back to that, and the first step might be doing away with the toys...at least for now.
2) It should not matter what others do in their relationships. Some M/s relationships go without safewords...some are about sadistic/masochistic play...some are all bdsm. IT DOES NOT MATTER WHAT ANY OTHER RELATIONSHIP LOOKS LIKE. What matters is what Beloved wants and I need.
I frequently fall victim to comparison and it is devastating to my self-esteem. I am going to take a break from reading other journals for a while. My focus must be on what matters in our household.
3) Being a slave created a weird loneliness for me. For twelve years, Beloved was my husband, my partner, my best friend. I could tell him anything, ask him anything, do anything with him.
But when we started down the path of Master and slave, I felt like a rift developed between us. I don't feel like I can be his best friend AND his slave. I don't know how to make that work.
Most of the relationships I know in person are relationships that have started out in D/s...they might lead to marriage at some point...but the basis for the relationship is Master and slave. It's different for us... And we have to find our own way.
For now, I am collared, but I am not a slave or a submissive. We are resting before continuing the journey.
I can identify with your struggle. We've been married for 12 years and for the first 8, I was his equal partner. It is harder, in my opinion, to make the change from partner/wife to submissive/slave when you're married first and D/s comes sometime after that. It's hard to change that "parner" mindset. I still struggle with it. I also think it's incredibly hard when there is a small child in the home. I have two small kids and I'm always conflicted between mommy and slave. I read blogs and get jealous and wish for what they had. I too have to step back and relize this isn't a competion and our relationship is about us and what we want out of it. I struggle with the "service" part and think "God, please, I just want some down time and not have to fetch anything!" I also think that comes from having a child in the home and taking care of their needs all day and night. I don't know if this helps or not, but I've been where you are - wondering if I can be in this lifestyle anymore yet knowing if I really walked away I would miss it. I can't say if it ever gets any easier because I don't know, I'm not on that side of it yet. Hang in there, do what's best for you and your relationship and just know that you aren't alone in how you feel.
ReplyDeleteRose
because Beloved forgot and now has to go out of his way to be Dominant
ReplyDeleteWe hit this spot a few years back, or I think it was the same spot--I stopped feeling like an equal partner in this D/s dance and then felt guilty or as if I were being unreasonable when he had to go out of his way to be dominant. He just lost interest in maintaining what he'd set up, and it rocked our D/s badly. Continues to do so, actually, even though our vanilla life is fine and our marriage is solid. But you two seem to have taken a far healthier route--you're still wearing your collar, but I tore mine off and have not even thought longingly of it since. You're resting--I backed up so far that the wall belonged in China. You are handling it well, from my perspective. It's hard. I admire you.
Seeker
From my experience, communication is vital. You seem to have that going for you. Luvbunny and I wish you the best no matter how things turn out. Go with what works best for you and your family - that's all that matters. *hugs*
ReplyDeletei completely agree with pinkroses about the children in the house issue. i do not know how any are able to do it with them there. It was a balance that i found impossible to walk in my former marriage and it wasn't even D/s. Putting the father before the children from a service stand point, just doesn't seem to work, or even be possible from a practical stand point.
ReplyDeleteAlso being at home full time creates a dichotomy too i would think. All day you are the captain of the ship (even when doing what Beloved desires, you're still making countless decisions for Boy) and then to have the entire energy and dynamic swing. It's no wonder your exhausted, darling!
MJ and i began as friends, then lovers, and i was discovering at that time my own "true nature". Maybe discovering is the wrong word, but acknowledging. i left O/our relationship as it seemed impossible to make the leap from friends to submissive. i couldn't even find the language to tell Him what was truly going on inside me!
We made the transition, but W/we had never lived together as equals in a marriage. Still it is a challenge. i still feel W/we have a friend connection, but i know exactly what you mean when you say you feel lonely at times. Just the basic fact of how differently men and women communicate make it so, i believe.
M/s as viewed from the blogosphere can make it difficult to feel you have got it "right" on any given day. i, too, have to take breaks from reading other blogs as it is impossible not to either compare, envy, feel superior or disgusted. Either way, it's not focusing on my duties and personal reality.
My collar was off last week. For very similar (as i read you!!) reasons. It is a huge challenge for MJ to maintain the level of M/s involvement that feels "right" to me. He wishes "it" could run on cruise control and i feel like even if it's on cruise control, You still can't take a freakin' nap!!!
It is a dance...with or without M/s. The truth is, you are who you are and i believe in your heart you are a very service oriented person. You will always lean toward "helping" others and will always be the "do-forer" at home. If you can just be you and accept that Beloved loves you, it will all work out.
i am going to have a hard time not reading here daily to find out how it affects your dynamic to have two other people in the house. The thought of two slaves under one roof is a very interesting concept for me...but you and i have discussed my issues around poly. i wish you good luck as your journey continues and feel privileged to read the parts you choose to share with us here.
1,000 hugs!
~nik