MJ's slave wrote:
just what is it you fear?? What we fear often tells more than what we seek...
I am afraid to relinquish control because I felt pushed almost to the point of breaking. I deserved the punishment I got at the hands of Cole and Beloved. I took it and I have tried very hard to repent and show some semblance of worthiness.
At the point that I safeworded out, I was afraid of being hurt beyond what I could take. Less the physical pain, more the mental pain. I was afraid of being beaten to the point of broken, mostly because I had already expressed concern to Beloved and he seemed not to care.
I couldn't take another beating like the last one. I was chained down and the flogger was whipping around and biting my thighs. The tight control that takes combined with the seemingly unfeeling...sadistic...way Beloved reacted to my protests...
*shakes head*
I am no submissive. I do not have the courage it takes to submit under that kind of duress. While I have total and complete faith that Beloved will take care of me, catch me, I am afraid of what happens when he has to go to work, when I am left alone. I'm afraid to be broken, afraid of what I will do if I am broken.
Not sure if this is gonna help a whole lot, but it might make you feel a little better.
ReplyDeleteI love my Master a lot more now than I did when I first moved in with him. At first it was kinda easy for me to take his beatings. But after a while...that somewhat started to change. The more I grew closer to him the more beatings seemed to cause a new kind of pain. A mental internal pain that's a bit hard to describe.
I still don't understand it... It might have started when he began to train me to cry for him. Then again, not to long ago I hadn't had a beating in a long time and had one...and found it almost impossibly hard to cry.
I suppose what I'm trying to get at, is that the action of being beaten by my Master had turned into much less of a kink, and more of a mental punishment. It was easy to cry then.